Lightweight at the Helm Part 2: 1/2
Jan Werner, chemistry geek, finds himself part of a whole new world after he joins a local Crew (rowing) team.
The summer after Mäx leaves is warm, unusually so. Of course, Jan has never spent a summer at rowing camp, or any camp for that matter, and so is unused to the tepid water and humid, mosquito-filled water.
Not all of the crew team comes along but, with Frank, Iona, and Juri there as good friends and company, Jan is not too worried. There are people he has never met, boys and girls much younger than he is. Jan is to teach them the basics of rowing and to help them perfect their form. He does this midday, well after his team’s five a.m. practice, and before they go out on the water again at three. The girls are easy to teach, Jan learns, and flexible both in mind and body; the boys groaning when he asks them to extend their reach. It is amusing and frustrating but Jan loves it. He is in control, right there teaching the small preteens how to row.
One boy in particular shows incredible promise. He is fast, strong, and he listens to everything Jan says, which, considering Jan is their coach, is a blessed gift. Johannes is short, though no one worries because he has not hit puberty yet. Jan is hoping Johannes will grow another meter or so by next summer when he turns fourteen, the minimum age for the team.
In the late afternoon, Frank takes Jan out on the water to teach him to scull. Sometimes they go out in the two-man scull and sometimes they go out in singles. The single is easier to row and control but having no one watching his back makes Jan liable to run into the little islands of reeds and sand, where the worst worry is backstroking which Jan has yet to master. To backstroke in a scull, you have to reverse the normal slide and push forward with both oars. The oars in a scull are shorter and thinner than those for the fours and the eights and so require much more strength to execute a proper and functional stroke. Jan has managed to beach himself at least once a session. It amuses Frank and Juri, the two of them chuckling while Iona calls out helpful instructions. The problem with the singles is that it is nigh impossible for them to pull Jan out of the reeds without risking flipping one of the boats.
Jan has already had that experience and he is not keen on repeating it. The lake that the camp surrounds is freshwater and filled with tadpoles, snakes, and floating bits of things no one ever bothers to name because it is all disgusting.
Jan finds every day that he loves the camp more and more. He has never spent a long time away from home and certainly not without some family member around. Having his boyfriend here makes it all the more exciting.
ØØØ
Jan smiles and leans back into Frank’s embrace. He is tucked into Frank’s side, warm and cozy in the cool night air. They are sitting around the fire, a shallow charcoal pit lined with smooth stones. Juri is slowly feeding the fire whilst Iona and Lara poke sticks into the coals, trying to stir it up higher.
Tonight, it is inordinately chilly. The breeze coming down from the mountains sweeps through the high cliffs and twists down over the lake’s surface, blowing white-crested waves against the sandy shore. The fire pit isn’t far off. From the other side of the lake, it is easy to spot the small group of rowers and the racks of tied-down boats hidden back among the trees. It is a mercy the lake is freshwater. The team would have to spend hours properly washing and drying the boats otherwise and still be concerned with the possibility of salt contamination and erosion. Instead, it takes less than a half hour to spray the boats off and leave them out to dry. Any sand that clings to the boat falls off onto the ground from the slings as the boat dries clean.
Frank blows out a soft breath behind Jan’s ear. Jan shivers delightfully and smiles under Frank’s kiss. Frank nibbles at the curve of Jan’s ear, making the little coxswain giggle and gasp as the nibbling turns into close nips and slow sucking at that sweet spot just under Jan’s ear.
Lara giggles at something Iona whispers to her, the two tittering away behind their hands. Jan glances their way, embarrassed but then Frank is stroking his arm comfortingly. Jan relaxes happily, tilting his head up. Frank kisses the long column of his neck, pressing a fond line down it, and Jan forgets everything else.
ØØØ
The summer ends in storms, loud, thunderous affairs that stop outdoor practice for weeks on end until the water is calm enough for rowing. The erg machines become the focus of every practice. Run through the neighborhood for twenty minutes, and then come inside the boathouse and erg two thousand meters. Everyday practicing to improve erg times.
The boathouse is cool, a welcome respite from the erg training. Jan checks the equipment regularly. He ergs along with his rowers, going at it as intensely as they do, though his strength is nothing against Juri’s or even Lara’s. Still, it is far better than the novices.
“Gather round,” Lars calls out, catching his team’s attention. They move to surround him, shading their eyes from the sun to look at him with curious eyes.
“What’s up, Coach?” Iona asks. Lars is quiet as he waits for everyone’s attention. Rowers shift back and forth nervously, calculating what they could have done and whether there’s trouble ahead. Lars seems calm as always.
“Alright, you all remember the storm last week?” Lars announces, his voice carrying sonorously throughout the boathouse. “It seems that Guillard’s boathouse was affected badly. The roof fell in and there was considerable damage to the racks and the general structure of the building. Several oars were destroyed and much of their equipment and supplies were stolen.” A few rowers nod. Theft is a major problem in the area due to school age children and the homeless. The children steal out of greed and for general amusement; the homeless out of necessity. The communal bathrooms are locked along with the boathouses when the teams and clubs are gone because, more than once, homeless people have been found sleeping on the floor and taking showers in the bathrooms. Sometimes there’s urine on the floor and waste in the showers. It’s not out of hatred or condescension that the rowers act as they do, which is made especially evident in conditions like the recent storm.
“The damage is so severe that they expect it to take several months to repair. In the meantime, Guillard’s coach has asked to store their boats here.”
“Here?” Franziska echoes. She folded her arms across our chest. “Coach, we have little room to spare. Our racks are full with our own boats. Where do you plan to store another two fours?”
“Two eights,” Lars says. “And three fours. The Cuttlefish needs a new bow ball and footrests. I’m sending it and the Dragonfly to be repaired.”
There are gasps and protests from the girls. The Dragonfly is the girls’ competition four. It has been needing a new fiberglass coating badly. Coach has been putting it off until absolutely necessary.
“Why now?!” Iona snaps. “Coach, you can’t expect us to share the guys’ four for races!”
“I don’t, Iona,” Lars says. “The shoes would never fit. You will share Guillard’s boat, Il Fortuna. It’s a top quality racing boat, far better than anything this team has ever used.”
The complaining and bitching does not stop with Lars’ words. Guillard has been their competition for the last decade. Hatred of the team is inbred, along with jokes about steroid abuse and “special training”. No one wants to see them on a regular basis, regardless of how good their practice methods are. Coach Breitmann seems to think they have something to learn from Guillard.
Franziska, for one, would rather remain ignorant.
“You remember the last time we raced them?” she mutters to her teammates. “And they had the officials change everyone’s lanes so that we were two down from where we started? We lost that race because the water condition was so bad!”
“They can’t be that bad,” Alina, one of the newcomers, puts in. “No one’s ever as bad as you think they are. I’m sure Guillard will turn out to be full of decent people.”
“Don’t be so sure,” Franziska mutters darkly.
ØØØ
Franziska turns out to be right. Guillard’s rowers, one or two of them aside, are jerks. Jan is constantly forced to redirect traffic onto the dock because Guillard’s coxswains are under the belief that their boats are first priority. Jan has to have his rowers drop the boats to waist level and hold them for upwards of twenty minutes while Guillard’s rowers ready their boats. He can see the muscles straining on his rowers as Guillard’s rowers sneer at him or pointedly look away.
It’s our dock! Jan wants to scream. You’re just using it for a couple of months! Can’t you at least let us get onto the water first?!
Storage is only more problems. Guillard does not derig their boats before storage and they consistently take the middle and upper racks for their boats, leaving Jan, Maike, and Hanna, the girl’s new coxswain, to store the boats at the lowest racks. With the rigors in place, this results in painfully awkward procedures to extricate and replace their boats. The strain of lifting and lowering the boats to knee level is immense and it is extremely difficult to have one or two of the shorter rowers duck under and hold the boat until they can pull it out. And this happens every day.
Maike quits the team soon after, along with several of the women rowers. The team’s numbers drop with every week they share the boathouse with Guillard. Once Hanna quits, Jan finds himself without a possible coxswain. He has the choice of training the lightest rower he has as a coxswain…or asking Guillard to loan him one of their coxswains.
Jan is not looking forward to the day when he has to tell Coach he cannot keep alternating the boats, the guys rowing one day, the girls the next, with no one getting the amount of practice they need. At this rate, they will not even have enough coxswains to row competitively. Jan does not want to bar one boat from competing simply because he cannot be in two places at once.
So he tells Coach Breitmann, who refers him to Guillard’s coach, a tolerable lady, if a bit harsh. She, in turn, introduces Jan to Margaux.
Jan twitches uncomfortably under the other coxswain’s gaze. She is small with short-cropped blonde hair and cold eyes, her lips curled back in an ugly sneer. She is imposing and her voice is sharp and hoarse as she addresses him.
“So it’s the little queen I get to work with,” she says nastily. “I hear you’re a terrible coxswain. Your team only keeps you because you’re screwing the stroke. You’d be off the team otherwise, Werner.”
Jan balls his hands into fists and glares at her.
“You don’t know the first thing about me, you, you- jerk,” he spits out. “I’m the coxswain because I’m good at it, not because I’m sleeping with anyone. Who do you think you are?!”
She smiles coolly.
“My name is Margaux and you better remember it because pretty soon I’m going to be the main coxswain on this team, and I won’t be getting there by blowing my teammates,” Margaux says. “So you better watch out, Werner, cause ‘fore long, you won’t be here anymore.”
Jan stands there seething, unable to find his words to snap a witty reply back at her. He watches her walk away, humming to herself as though those nasty words had not just come from her mouth. Jan’s shaking from anger and confusion. He has never even met this Margaux girl before and yet she already hates him.
“Coxswain?” Iona asks worriedly, coming up to Jan, her brows knit in concern. “What’d she say to you?”
Jan shakes his head and shrugs.
“That she knows my name and she wants me to drop off the face of the earth. Nice things like that.”
“That bitch!” Iona snarls. She frowns. “Tell me you didn’t say anything stupid back. We don’t need Guillard’s coxswain to think we’re trying to make them feel unwelcome.”
“I just told her she was wrong about me being a whore. Does that count?” Jan asks wryly. Iona just looks at him, confused.
“She called you a whore?” Iona asks.
“Basically.”
“Come on, then, Jan. We need to get our boats in the water before Guillard starts setting out and blocking the dock. Goodness gracious, yesterday was hell enough for the week.”
Jan follows Iona to the boathouse. He calls out to the guys and they shoulder the four, lifting it up and out rapidly. Jan waits less than a second after it is off the racks and clear of the other boats to tell the guys to bring the boat up overhead.
He is proud and relieved to see Lara and several of the other girls snagging oars, and follow them out. Jan moves at a quick pace and they are on the dock before Guillard’s eight. Jan has the boat rolled into the water in one smooth stroke. He passes the oars out after picking his way through the eight oars tossed haphazardly on the dock as though the things were worthless as anything more than tripping points.
The oars are in place and almost locked into the riggers when Guillard’s eight splashes onto the water on the other side of the dock. Oars are swinging everywhere, hitting Jan and his rowers. Juri curses when he gets smacked in the back of his head. He grabs the oar and shoves it hard back into the rower holding it. The girl shrieks and tips into the eight, falling onto one of her teammates. Jan grins and Georg pushes off the dock, putting quick distance between them and the other team.
Jan sighs in relief when they’re down the river, Guillard’s eight splashing slowly behind them. Juri’s eyes are gleaming and the other rowers are tittering into their oars. Juri’s shoulders shake violently with laughter. Jan cannot help it. He begins laughing himself at the ludicrousness of the situation. In all honesty, it is not funny. Juri is so calm normally and for once, he has broken and snapped back at the hazing Guillard’s idiot team has been giving him. They are just a bunch of athletes really, bitching about equipment space and launch times like little kids.
Jan will have to report the incident to Coach, of course, before all this blows up and Guillard starts spreading rumors that they tried to overturn the eight. Thank goodness, it was Juri and not Georg who had shoved the girl back. Georg retaliating would be suicide because Georg has an unmatchable temper and dislike towards people who irk him. No one would expect Juri to do something like that, pushing a rower over. Jan just hopes Guillard’s rowers remembered that it was Juri who did it.
He has no interest in dealing with Guillard further. The eight is slowly gaining on them, coming closer and closer so that Jan can hear the sweep of their oars through the water. He wrinkles his nose and whispers into his headset. The microphone amplifies it enough that he does not have to worry about the others not hearing. Juri takes up the stroke and rows leisurely. The check is soft and slow, their speed building nicely.
They are at 20spm when Jan hears Margaux, Guillard’s female coxswain, bark out an order to her rowers. Jan winces at the tone. He would never talk to his teammates like that, not even in the heat of a race. Partially, it is because the Cox Box carries so well that he never has to scream- loudly, at least- but also because he actually has respect for his teammates and friends. He is not insistent and loud like some coxswains are because he tells them what he needs them to do and when to do it. Screeching only makes Juri rub his shoulder against his ear in pain and irritates all the rowers.
“Bridge,” Juri says.
Jan nods and looks up from his set gaze. He adjusts the rudder to set their course straight. They slide under the cool shadow, the starboard oars hitting a crab pot on the way. It’s beautiful out, cool with a soft breeze and Jan could almost fall asleep under the warm rays of the sun.
ØØØ
The Jugendruderverein’s season goes well. Coach Breitmann puts Jan in as the permanent guys’ four coxswain, a post he was already fulfilling but that now is a matter of concession between Guillard and the Ruderverein. With Mäx gone as well as several of the older male rowers, the four has only the skeleton crew of Jan, Juri, and Frank. Paul from Guillard is added to take Mäx’s place. He is nowhere near as talented as Mäx but he has the stamina to keep up with Juri and the strength to match the other new rower, Georg.
As with any new team, the first few practices are rocky. Georg has problems with stamina and will often slow down right before the end of a practice race. He is not lazy, certainly nor incapable of maintaining his speed and strength so Jan is not entirely sure why Georg has trouble. Paul seems to have a personal vendetta against the equipment. The footstraps are not tight enough, the rigors are placed wrong, the Cox Box is not loud enough, whine, whine, whine is all Jan hears.
He feels bad, however, for Paul. The guy is alone with a boat of rowers who hate his guts on principal and is forced to obey a coxswain he does not respect, one of the most dangerous things about rowing. If a coxswain for whatever reason does not have the respect of his or her rowers, rowing can be hell. Everything about rowing is about listening to authority and problems often occur with novice coxswains who don’t know what exactly they are doing on the water. Fights can break out, especially between the bow and the stern where the coxswain sits, normally beginning as hearing issues due to the Cox Box malfunctioning or the speaker at the bow not turned to the proper volume. Add to that just plain dislike of the coxswain and the entire practice is miserable for all involved.
Eventually, after over three weeks of practice, they get it all together. Jan is glad Juri has his back because it could be problematic if any of his rowers see his relationship with Frank as a favoring system. Sometimes Jan just wants to move Frank into a different boat so his boyfriend does not see him snapping at Paul or yelling at Georg, both of which he has to do as their coxswain. Jan tries to be nicer but there are practices where he gets off the water worried that Frank is going to pick a fight because of something Jan did or said. Frank hasn’t yet; in fact, he always seems happy to see Jan. Even at his most tired, Frank will give Jan a sleepy smile and a hug before they leave the boathouses. Frank seems to know most of the time what is on Jan’s mind, all his little doubts and frustrations, and he ends up kissing or hugging them away.
ØØØ
Jan gets to practice early one Friday in time to hear the news he has been waiting for, or had been months before everything changed. Juri looks a mess, bags under his eyes and his clothes clinging to his body haphazardly, as though he only managed to drag himself out of bed.
“We broke up,” Juri says, looking directly at Jan. He is sitting on the sidewalk, his legs spread far apart and his head hung low in dejection, his hands clasped between his knees.
“Wh-what?” Jan asks. His mind is whirling and his thoughts are slippery and wickedly fast, spinning things he shouldn’t be thinking about through his mind.
Juri swallows, his Adam’s apple clenching down in a slow descent. Jan stares at it plainly. He grasps for control. He fights with himself to remember that he is in a happy relationship with someone who adores him but in that moment, with Juri looking at him that way and the words Jan has been longing to hear for so long, Jan can barely remember Frank’s name. The world is Juri and his handsome, beloved face and those impossible, wonderful words.
“Christina and I broke up,” Juri repeats. He frowns and drags his bottom lip through his teeth.
“What happened?” Jan asks. He shoves his hands in his pockets to keep from reaching out to touch Juri’s shoulder or arm or- God forbid, his hand. Juri raises his eyebrows, keeping his head at the same dejected level, facing out to the rough, old asphalt parking lot.
It is almost empty. Practice has a long time before starting and there is no reason for Juri to be there. Jan is here to check equipment and to carry in a new case of water bottles. The case stands next to him now. Jan set it down when he saw Juri sitting there on the sidewalk, looking more bored than upset. Except, Juri doesn’t get bored. He’s got a certain face he gets when he’s not paying attention or when he’s thinking and Jan would never describe that face as bored. Pissed, maybe, but not bored.
It alarmed Jan when he saw it, that and the fact that Juri’s sitting on the sidewalk in front of the boathouses instead of by the door. The loop means he’s waiting for someone. It means he wants someone to notice him. Jan’s the first one here and there’s nothing he wants more in that moment than for Juri to tell him every last thing that is bothering him.
“She got bored and told me she wanted someone new. I’m not exciting enough for her, evidently.”
“I’m sorry,” Jan says. He scuffs the toe of his shoe on the asphalt, his throat seizing up with anxious glee. Christina is gone, he thinks. She’s gone, she’s truly gone! Juri’s free!
“You need help carrying that in?” Juri asks. Jan blinks. Juri’s standing up and grabs at the case, snagging one plastic side and lifting it easily. “I assume this is going inside?”
“Yeah,” Jan says. He fishes his keys out of his pocket and heads toward the boathouse. A smile breaks out on his face as Juri takes long strides beside him, the chain on his jeans swinging out and hitting the plastic case with a funny thump. Jan’s giddy and he’s walking too fast but he can’t be made to care because Juri’s free and Christina’s gone. He can’t think of anything else and misses the keyhole by a mile, scraping the paint of the door.
“Need help?” Juri quips. Jan turns and grins at him, the dopiest smile commanding his face.
“Nah, I’m good,” he says.
ØØØ
Jan is almost dancing, he is so excited. Juri’s single, he thinks, Juri’s single and I’m single and Christina’s gone and- oh! It is too wonderful to think about. This is his chance to finally get with Juri. Juri will admit all the feelings he has been keeping inside, all the secret affections and fantasies he has entertained about Jan, now that Christina is out of the way. Juri is only upset because the breakup is so new but soon, soon he will admit that he is glad to be rid of her. Today is a great day.
Jan pulls Juri aside after practice when almost everyone has gone home. Frank is hovering around the boathouse for someone Jan does not care about. He does not even wave goodbye to them when they move out to the parking lot; he is too ecstatic over the news.
“I was wondering,” Jan says too quickly. He takes a shallow breath and plunges in on the words he has wanted to say for so long. “Would you want to go out with me? Nothing big, just to get something to eat. What do you say?”
Jan pauses, proud of his achievement. He has done it! He has finally asked Juri what he has been meaning to ask him and now Juri will say those words that Jan has rehearsed in his head for so long:
“Aren’t you dating Frank?” Juri asks softly. Jan stares at him in confusion. Is this a trick question? Is Juri stalling? Who is Frank?
With the force of a summer storm on the icy North Sea, reality crashes back on Jan. His jaw goes slack as memories of Frank, sweet, handsome, caring Frank, come back to him. He remembers all the times Frank has supported him, has held his hand, has told Jan just how much he cares about him. Jan is everything to Frank and Frank is…
“Oh my God,” Jan whispers, his voice growing louder with every word until by the end he is almost yelling. “Oh my God, you’re right, you’re so right! I- oh my God, what is wrong with me. Frank was just here and I-”
Juri watches him unblinkingly as though he can hear every thought going through Jan’s head because it is not just in his words that Jan’s horror exists. His brain is suddenly sickeningly full of confusion and revulsion for himself. Jan hates himself, hates how much of a slut he is acting, how completely he has forgotten his boyfriend, all because a guy he does not even know to be bisexual has broken up with his girlfriend.
“I like you,” Jan says finally, his face burning hotly. He scrambles to find an explanation that will somehow make his stupid words go away. He does not want to lose Frank and now, in a few stupid, stupid words, he has quite possibly done that and Juri, too. Oh God, to lose his friend and his boyfriend all because he could not forgot something he had memorized what seemed like years ago…it was quite simply awful. “I’ve liked you pretty much since I met you and- I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry, I’m really, really sorry. I was- I mean, you just broke up with her and I tried to-”
“It’s okay,” Juri says, stressing the last word. He leans down and smiles at Jan, the coxswain blushing furiously and looking away. Juri keeps smiling until Jan cannot resist smiling, too. “I’m not mad at you. I’m not going to lie; I’m a little surprised by what you said but I guess that’s more my fault than yours. Look, go home, Jan. We can talk about this later when you’ve had some time to think about…this.”
Jan nods shakily, mutters a goodbye, and walks off quickly. At first, he heads toward David’s house but he changes his mind a block away and turns for home. He needs to think and to think for a good long while. How could he have said that? How could he have betrayed Frank like that just because Juri was suddenly single?
And Juri…how could Jan have propositioned him when he was just dumped? Juri had not broken up with Christina; she had dumped him. He had been in a fragile position, grieving for what had been and Jan had come out of nowhere like an idiot.
ØØØ
Out of pure coincidence, Frank goes out with his parents that night. He leaves a message on Jan’s cell phone not to call him because his phone will be off all night. Jan could not be more relieved. He cannot talk to Frank now, not after what he has done. Frank will surely dump him for cheating and it will be horrible, the two of them screaming at each other with wild abandon as Frank hurls the most painful words Jan has ever heard at him: I hate you; I never liked you; you’re a stupid, ugly dick that I never want to see again; I must have been high to have ever asked you out. Tears trickle down Jan’s cheeks in embarrassing rivulets. The pain is too much for him. To have Frank and Juri hate him is the greatest agony he has ever felt.
Juri shows up early on Saturday to use the boathouse. There is no practice since the girls are away at an all female race in Ehndorf and Jan has been given the keys to let any of the rowers in who want to practice. The downside is that he has to be at the boathouse from seven in the morning until noon. Jan sleeps until eight when he hears a knocking on the door.
Juri walks in with his bag, already dressed in his workout clothes. Jan tries to make light of the situation, directing the conversation to the race in Ehndorf, the erg machines, the upkeep of the boats, anything he can think of. Juri is not game. He starts to talk, pauses, and then starts again as a sickening chill sweeps over Jan’s body.
“There’s something pretty awesome about knowing someone loves you,” he says. “Someone other than your parents. You get my drift?”
Jan grimaces.
“You’re talking about me. Yeah, I get it. You didn’t think it was, you know, creepy?” Jan asks, his fingers digging into the wood of the dock. Juri’s lips twitch.
“You never forced me to notice you,” Juri says.
Silence.
“Uh, what?” Jan blurts out, laughing. Juri grins and hits the coxswain in the arm.
“Shut up. Not everyone’s good with words like your friend Timo.” Juri grows serious. “In all honesty, I never really noticed. People would tell me you were head over heels for me and it was-” Juri shrugs. “I guess I never noticed you.” He catches Jan’s gaze and holds it. Jan stares, unable to resist those pale blue eyes.
“So you’ve got one more year,” Juri says. “You still going to try to go into chemistry?”
Jan grins. He can’t help it, it’s his favorite subject.
“Maybe, all depends on Numerus Clausus. There’s a whole bunch of people who want to go into the field.”
“You could try for a scholarship. American schools are always looking for good coxswains.” Jan nods, considering Juri’s words.
“What about you?” he asks, more out of politeness than real interest. Jan has heard the sorts of ideas that go through some of his teammates’ heads and he has had to bite his tongue a good many times at some of the far-fetched plans. Unless, Jan grimaces inwardly, Juri’s plan is the same as Timo’s: do what he likes and what he is good at regardless of whether he can live off of it. Jan worries about Timo’s plans and his future so much, it is ridiculous.
“I was thinking the Technische Fachhochschule Berlin. They have a couple of good programs for athletes. Maybe I’ll do engineering, I have no idea.”
Their conversation meanders off and eventually they go their separate ways.
ØØØ
Out of guilt, Jan tells Frank about what happened immediately the next Monday. All weekend he has felt sick, wondering whether someone had overheard Juri and him talking and told Frank or, worse, whether Juri had told Jan’s boyfriend about what happened.
It is not the first time Jan has felt this way. Sometimes when he and Frank go to the movies or out to lunch, Jan finds himself thinking about someone else or staring just that long. Inevitably, it ends with him apologizing to Frank and all but begging Frank to forgive him. Frank always does without question or hesitation, and that makes Jan feel worse.
“Why?” Jan asks.
“Why what?” Frank asks back, laying a soft kiss to the top of Jan’s blonde head, pulling a small shudder from him.
“Why do you still like me? I fucked up again. I’ve fucked up so many times and you’re still here.”
Frank brushes Jan’s blonde scruff back, almost caressing his skull, the gesture is so tender. Jan looks up at him, a look of pure devastation on his face. Frank is smiling down at him but that does not mean much. Frank is always smiling. He smiles when he is happy. He smiles when he is upset or confused or just plain embarrassed but this time- this time it is sincere, soft, and caring and it is making Jan want to run away from the adoration and affection Frank is giving out because he just does not deserve it, not after what he has done. Why can’t Frank just let him go? Why is nothing ever too much for him? Jan wishes Frank would get fed up with him and all his imperfections because he knows he’s screwed up and anyone else would throw him away like so much garbage.
“I kissed Juri, Frank. I kissed him and I wanted him to kiss me back. How can you not be mad at me?”
“Jan,” Frank says, his lips centimeters from Jan’s ear. Jan shudders at the feeling of hot breath across sensitive skin. “Jan, I like you for you. Everything. You think because you still like Juri that you can’t like me. That’s not true. Jan, I wouldn’t be surprised if ten years down the road you still like Juri.
We’ve been together for almost a year. I’m not asking you to be perfect, Schatz. I just want to be with you if you’ll allow me to be.”
“I didn’t say I wasn’t perfect,” Jan mutters, smiling just a little bit. “You never know, I might be God’s gift to women.”
“Men,” Frank laughs.
“Men and women,” Jan says, grinning. “There might be a woman out there for me yet.”
And everything is okay. Frank kisses him and Jan has never felt more loved. Their breathing matches in rhythm, Frank is pressing into him, Frank adores him, and everything is okay.
ØØØ
Jan first has sex with Frank in a tent, of all places. It is during a crew campout. Jan agrees to share a tent with Frank when the rower asks him, thinking that they might get some kissing in away from prying eyes. He does not realize until Frank whispers one simple question what exactly they can get into in the relative privacy of their tent.
“Sleep with me?” Frank asks. Jan knows exactly what he is asking in those words and, unlike Mäx, there is the implicit promise that if Jan says no, Frank will not force him. It is all up to Jan and he wants Frank.
ØØØ
Jan shivers, though whether that is from cold or anticipation, he cannot discern. Frank’s fingers trace over his shoulders before sliding down his chest in stinging lines. They rest on Jan’s pecs. Frank’s eyes meet Jan’s for a brief second before flicking down appreciatively to his chest and abdominal muscles. Frank licks his lips.
Jan is leaning forward unconsciously, his eyes sliding closed as his mouth opens. Frank is there and their lips meet. Frank’s mouth is soft, wonderfully, exquisitely soft against his. Frank sucks on Jan’s bottom lip and Jan forgets himself in the warm, wet feeling.
Frank slides the vibrating cell phone under the waistband of Jan’s shorts, the cold metal humming against the coxswain’s hard member. Frank’s lips are on Jan’s collarbone- clavicle, Jan whispers to himself.
“What?” Frank breathes, making Jan shudder as his warm breath ghosts over the hollow of Jan’s neck.
“Don’t stop,” Jan pants. He brushes the bridge of his nose against Frank’s brown hair, his fingers running through the hard bristles.
Frank blows out a warm breath and Jan shivers, clutching Frank to him so as that talented tongue licks a trail down the center of Jan’s chest, the trail evaporating quickly, leaving a cool trail that makes Jan shiver even more.
“I can feel your heart beating,” Frank whispers hotly. Jan’s breath is coming in ever more ragged bursts. “Every-” he kisses Jan’s left nipple, encircling it with his far too pretty mouth, “-single-” making a tight, exquisitely hot circle with only his lips, “-beat-” sucking on the hardened, erect, caramel-colored nipple. Jan gasps and arches up, his hands pressing Frank’s head against his chest as Frank keeps up his slow torture and the vibration in Jan’s shorts slows.
Frank lifts his head and his eyes flash wickedly. Jan stares, mesmerized by their intoxicating blue, and watches as Frank traces his fingers down Jan’s middle, swirling those fingers over Jan’s navel before continuing down to unbutton his shorts and slide the zip down.
The phone is removed and then it is Frank breathing over Jan’s raised boxers, Jan’s breathing sharp and rapid as that talented, hot mouth breathes closer and Frank pulls his shorts down and then, before Jan can protest, tugs the boxers down, too. Jan is so enthralled by Frank’s performance- it can’t be the first time he’s done this, Jan thinks, there’s no way this can be the first time- that he can’t feel the heat in his face from being naked in his boyfriend’s presence.
“You’re so handsome,” Frank says and kisses Jan’s thigh. Jan’s stomach tightens wonderfully as his legs begin to quiver. He watches as Frank lowers his head and slowly, so slowly, swallows him, his eyes fixed sleepily on Jan’s in the hottest expression Jan’s ever seen. That mouth and those eyes, and Jan’s harder than he’s ever been. Centimeter by centimeter, Frank takes him in. Jan’s higher brain is gone and had it controlled his breathing, he would surely be dead by now before Frank’s mouth closed on the very base of his cock and Frank’s beautiful cheeks hollow.
It is pleasure, impossibly scorching hot pleasure as Frank milks him, teasing Jan with his fingers along the inner skin of Jan’s thighs, driving the blonde crazy with blissful pleasure.
Jan comes in that beautiful mouth, his back arching and his hands clenching the sleeping bag with all his strength. Frank takes his come without complaint, spitting into a tissue while Jan lies in delirium, wave after wave of exotic pleasure crashing into him. He can’t remember his own name in that moment, lying there boneless and limp as Frank’s arms encircles him. Frank lays soft kisses to Jan’s throat, holding him as Jan rides out the glorious storm.
ØØØ
Outside, Juri sits around the fire pit, watching the sight before him. He’s not looking at the fire, per se, rather the reflection of the fire in the eyes of the youth sitting across from him.
Juri watches the coxswain’s friend from across the fire. He’s entranced by his brown hair and those deep brown eyes that reflect the campfire in shockingly bright flares of orange and red against incredibly dark irises. Timo, if that is really his name, Juri can only remember being introduced that one time by the boathouse, and he is not certain that is the name he was given, is sitting there, poking the fire with a long stick, every so often pausing to write something in the ragged notebook by his side. His eyes are fixated on the fire. The flames set dark shadows and freakishly mesmerizing highlights on his handsome face. He looks almost exotic with those high cheekbones and those dark eyes.
Suddenly, Timo’s eyes flick from the fire to Juri’s face. He raises an eyebrow and turns back to the fire. Juri knows that look was a warning and that he really should look away but he can’t. There, sitting across from him, separated by only flickering flames and white-grey coals, is the real-life version of the face and the body that Juri has jacked off to for countless nights.
Tonight, they will sleep barely ten meters apart, separated by a bed of fallen leaves and nylon tent walls.
Their eyes meet and Timo stares at Juri in silent question. Juri smiles lopsidedly and doesn’t look away. Quietly, only the crackling of twigs to be heard, Timo gets up from his seat. He walks over to Juri slowly, their eyes locked. Juri takes in a slow breath to steady himself and then Timo is there, standing in front of him, all smooth lines and board shorts.
“Mind if I-?” he asks, gesturing at the spot on the log next to Juri.
“No, not at all,” Juri says in what feels like an incomprehensible rush.
“You’re Juri,” Timo says, looking at him with the most inscrutable expression, his fingers steepled against his chin. Juri’s heart stills. Timo knows his name? He shrugs, masking his less than calm inner feelings.
“Yes,” he says.
“I’m Timo.”
“I know.”
“Huh,” Timo says. He picks a stick off of the ground and plays with it, twisting the loose bark off and tossing the loosened pieces into the fire. “You here with anyone?” he asks.
“No,” Juri breathes.
Their lips meet and it is as though all the heat of the fire before them is in that kiss. Timo pulls away first and their eyes meet. Timo takes Juri’s hand and then they are up, walking away from the campsite into the dark woods. Juri looks behind them, quickly memorizing the path behind him before Timo touches him again, a warm hand on Juri’s cheek, a thumb tracing the line of his jaw, and warm lips on his own. The humming of the insects fades away with all other sound as the world turns into nothing but the two of them and the dark, dark night.
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