Lightweight at the Helm Part 1: 2/2
Jan Werner, chemistry geek, finds himself part of a whole new world after he joins a local Crew (rowing) team.
There is a race the very next weekend and this time the team is staying overnight at a hostel. In the morning, they will get up two hours before the races and head down to the racecourse to set up the boats. For now, though, a party is raging.
Jan is scrunched into the corner of the hostel room in a confused ball, watching the guys from the eight and two of the mixed fours play some form of the beer pong game that all of those American movies about university play. They are all either drunk or high or some frightening combination of both and it is very disturbing to watch all of the huge rowers yelling and cheering over the din of the radio which is playing American rap music. Jan cringes to the sounds of Beyonce singing about really dirty things he can only half comprehend because he never did pay much attention in English class. The rowers- his rowers- are chanting crude lyrics, though, so Jan’s hardly lacking for revolting jokes.
He takes a sip of his beer shakily, too overwhelmed by the loud noise and the constant movement around him to stay calm. A few guys are missing, namely Juri, and Jan wonders where he is. Doesn’t he want to play the games, too?
Jan has a fantasy going on in his head right then of Juri getting a little too drunk and noticing him sitting in the corner. He imagines Juri coming over to him and sitting down next to him, and then leaning in and kissing him before admitting that he likes Jan, too, and has for a long while. Then they would leave this horrible room with too much noise and too much weed and too much beer, and then Juri would kiss him softly for a long time, just sweet the first time and maybe more later on when things play out and Juri dumps Christina and starts dating him.
“You okay, man?”
Jan jolts out of his fantasy world, his face alight with hope, thinking somehow that it’s Juri talking to him, that everything is going to play out the way he imagined it. His hope sinks immediately, though, when he realizes it’s not Juri at all but Frank and his ever-present pothead friend Mäx.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jan says without thinking, his chest suddenly filled with painful disappointment. Frank frowns and kneels beside him, clutching the metal frame of the bunk bed Jan’s hiding behind. Frank’s eyes are predictably red, as are Mäx’s and Jan has not got a damn bit of doubt why.
“Nah, you’re not,” Frank says. “Come on, let’s get you back to your room.”
He holds out his hand to Jan. Jan glances at him uncertainly but takes it, leaving his beer on the floor. He follows Frank and Mäx out the door and into the hallway, his spirits sagging even more when they don’t run into Juri along the way.
“You should get some sleep,” Frank says, stopping Jan outside the door to his room, his hand on Jan’s shoulder. “Tomorrow’d be a disaster if you’re hung over.”
Jan stares at him, not sure how to take advice from a guy stoned out of his mind. Frank smiles and pats Jan’s shoulder.
“Just get some rest,” Frank says. “We can’t have our coxswain falling asleep at the stern.”
ØØØ
As the tallest of the rowers in the four, Juri never carries the boat on his shoulder. He keeps it just off his shoulder, eight centimeters down. Jan notices this not because of his specific interest in Juri but because of the irrefutable fact that the boat is perpetually at a perfect angle to wap him in the head. Getting hit by the fiberglass shell hurts, obviously, but the bigger problem is the disorienting effect that has on several occasions caused him to stumble and nearly fall off the dock. It is only due to Juri’s quick one-armed grabs that Jan has not ended up a stinking, soaked, and completely unamused mess.
It would not be so bad if the water in the immediate area of the dock were not the most polluted. Not only do the geese and ducks relieve themselves on the dock’s worn wood but empty, dead crab shells and mangled refuse find their way there as well. The rowers have learned the folly of not looking where they tread and where they place their oars.
The water is a dark greenish brown and saturated with salt. During low tide, the sulphur entrenched in the mud bubbles out in sickening quantities, making even the most experienced rower gag and beg the coxswain to hurry their departure. The smell is so intense and so disturbing that many have questioned whether it is not in fact dangerous to inhale the fumes. But the smell, like the appearance of the polluted water, quickly fades from notice once the boats pull away and the oars move.
On the water, out past the shoreline and the houses, it is calm and beautiful. The sky seems never ending, stretching from one side to the other as far as you can crane your neck, with only the span of bridges and the houses dotting the shoreline showing the passage of distance to the casual observer. But the water holds many unnoticed bits of subcultures, like the crab pots interspersed along the waterway. Ordinary people set these contraptions out along the water, relying only on bits of raw chicken meat and simple metal designs to ensnare the tasty crabs that abound in these waters. The people that row on this river know the crab pots well. There is even a term that seems to refer to the peculiar problem presented by the football-sized buoys the crab pot ropes are attached to: crabbing.
In rowing, crabbing means to catch your oar in the water in such a way that the oar, through a combination of the force of the boat’s push through the water and the lack of movement in the water itself, becomes snared. When this happens, the oar handle typically jams or hits the rower against his chest while the oar slows the speed of the boat. In more dramatic conditions, such as a race, crabbing can be dangerous. The oar handle can pop up with frightening speed and slam into the rower’s face or head, leading to bloody noses and, under extreme circumstances, concussions. It is therefore in all the rowers’ best interests to stop the boat until the crabbed oar can be fixed by the rower leaning far back and pulling the oar over his head.
ØØØ
Jan watches Juri texting his girlfriend while they wait for the eight to catch up. It is halfway down the river because they are practicing today and most of the guys didn’t show up, so the girls are using the spare eight to train the newcomers and they are crabbing the whole way up. Jan checks his watch as though he cares, too preoccupied with studying Juri to actually check the time.
Juri’s lips twitch upwards and he begins to text a reply, looking absolutely gorgeous hulked over his phone. His knees are almost in Jan’s face but Jan doesn’t care.
“Coxswain.”
Jan stares at Juri’s fingers. He is so used to Juri texting that he can almost tell what the texts say by the way Juri’s fingers fly over the keys. Almost. Jan knows if he paid that little bit of attention more that he’d know the message of every text but he’s not sure he really wants to. Personal love texts to just might break his heart, he thinks.
“Coxswain.”
Juri’s hair has gotten lighter from practicing every day. It used to be a dark, almost sandy blonde but now it resembles more of a sunflower-like color. Jan likes it now that it’s getting long. It’s past Juri’s ears and he sweeps it across his forehead in the most attractive way-
“JAN!”
“Huh?” Jan says as he snaps back to attention. He looks out to the bow and hears an irritated curse from Mäx.
“The eight’s here,” Mäx says, obviously annoyed. “And we’ve drifted way off point. Do you want me to take a stroke or not?”
“Uh, yeah, that’s fine,” Jan says, readjusting his headset to cover his embarrassment. He can almost hear Mäx rolling his eyes as he takes a too strong stroke. They spend the next few minutes adjusting the boat until they’re lined up to start a Power Twenty. Jan gives the go ahead before he’s ready and the four jerks off, the catch throwing Jan forward into Juri’s feet. Juri’s oar misses him by all of three centimeters before Jan can grab hold of the sides of the boat.
“Five,” he calls out, having missed the first four strokes. There’s laughter from Linke and Frank, and Jan’s cheeks pink.
Today’s practice is going to be horrible, he just knows it.
ØØØ
It’s a running joke among the crew team that Jan likes Juri. Jan becomes fearful and anxious when he first learns that he causes his teammates so much amusement and he continues on that way for several weeks, going through practice like a dead man, unable to look anyone in the eye.
But not everyone on the team is truly mean-spirited and not everyone enjoys having Jan laughed at.
“Hey, coxswain.” Jan sighs as he hears the familiar call.
“Yeah?” he asks gruffly, not bothering to look over his shoulder at Frank. It is just what Jan wants, one of his rowers making fun of him. “Do you need something? The boats’re put away; you can go home.”
Jan stiffens at the feel of Frank’s hand on his arm.
“Hey,” Frank says again, softer this time. “It’s not all that bad. They just do it to bug you.”
Jan’s nostrils flare angrily and he shakes his arm out of Frank’s grasp. He flicks his eyes at the tall brunette.
“So what? It’s still fucking stupid.”
Frank grabs Jan and in seconds he finds himself in the rower’s arms, being rocked slightly back and forth while Frank holds his neck and back. Jan’s body goes rigid but Frank does not let go, simply clasps Jan tighter. It is comforting and Jan relaxes against Frank, his face pressed against Frank’s strong chest. He can feel- not hear, feel- Frank’s heartbeat. It is slow and strong, and Jan feels so good standing there with Frank holding him. For a small time, Jan imagines that it is Juri holding him. That fantasy fades, though, once Jan realizes it’s Frank, everything from the wonderful smell of his cologne to his shirt against Jan’s cheek to his slow exhalations marking him as someone completely different.
“It bothers you a lot, doesn’t it?” Frank asks in a voice so quiet Jan knows no one else can hear it. That in itself sends a delicious shiver through him. Someone is hugging him, someone is touching him, and, for once, there is no doubt in Jan’s mind that someone other than Timo actually likes him.
“Doesn’t it?” Frank asks again when Jan does not answer, the coxswain too mind-blown by Frank’s presence to process his words. “Doesn’t it?” Frank asks, tilting Jan’s chin up with a long finger. Jan stares up into the most brilliant blue eyes he has ever seen, so much bluer than even David’s, and blinks. Frank smiles at him and hugs him tightly.
“Yes,” Jan whispers, feeling like those blue eyes are sucking him in somehow. There is a feeling in his chest like what Jan feels for Juri, except different, completely different because Frank’s nothing like Juri. Juri’s flawless, taller, and stronger, with eyes that are never, ever tinged red by smoke. Frank, and Mäx, too, because outside of this one moment now, they are one and the same to him, two of a horrible, delinquent kind that Jan wants nothing to do with, represents everything Jan has always been against.
For now, though, Jan does not care. He forgets Juri because Frank’s holding him close and Frank is talking to him and Frank’s actually giving a damn that Jan’s right here wanting him. Jan is suddenly, painfully aware that he’s falling for Frank.
It shatters something inside him, that revelation does. How can he be in love with Juri if he likes Frank? Jan’s dreams are ruined. Juri cannot be his soul mate if Frank is this attractive, this sinfully, handsomely attractive and kind, so kind, caring for him when everyone else just wants to laugh at him. Juri is not the One and Jan is more alone than even a minute before. And it sucks.
ØØØ
That embrace, that moment where Frank was holding him, changes something in Jan’s relationship with the rower. Over the next week, Frank talks to him more and more, even staying after practice to walk with Jan over to the convenience store by David’s house.
It is nice having someone actually pay attention to him, Jan thinks, though Frank is more scatterbrained than Jan had suspected. His words blend and disappear as he talks, as though he has marbles in his mouth, and Jan has little clue what the guy is saying. Frank is not high by the end of practice (he and Mäx are strictly forbidden from lighting up around the boats as are all of the regular smokers) but he is hardly coherent.
Partly, it’s because of his accent. Frank is a southerner. He moved from Heidelberg the year before and still retains the distinctive sh to his ch’s that some of the girls on the team laugh about. Jan laughed, too, to himself.
That was before he heard Frank sing.
Frank’s voice blows Jan’s mind. It is soft, faintly haunting, and completely different from David’s voice, that last quality alone being enough for Jan to fall in love with it. It is so effortless and happy, unlike Timo’s angry raps and acerbic lyrics. Frank sings lyrics to songs Jan has never heard and it’s charming to listen to as they walk.
Frank is so nice that Jan quickly forgets that he is not supposed to like the pothead. He actually listens to what Jan has to say and asks questions when he does not understand. When Frank talks, Jan cannot help the buzzing in his chest. He loves listening to the rower, loves learning about all the people and places Frank has seen, what Heidelberg looks like, what Frank does in his spare time. It is interesting that Frank so rarely talks about Mäx. Jan had thought they were glued at the hip. He is learning, though, that that is so far from the truth it is not funny. Mäx goes to school with Frank, Mäx smokes with Frank, Mäx rows with Frank, and that is it. They have little in common, it seems.
It makes every time Frank does talk about Mäx that much more interesting. Mäx, it turns out, is a figure from Jan’s past, someone he had completely forgotten. It had been nagging at him for the first few weeks since they had been introduced, a question at the back of Jan’s mind that he could not resolve. They used to go to church together, he realizes eventually, and would see each other once a week in Sunday School when Jan’s mother still thought religion was important. Mäx, it is safe to say, has changed a lot since then.
ØØØ
Jan and Frank are sitting together after practice on the curb by the sidewalk, talking. Jan is not going to meet Timo today because his mom is coming to pick him up. Frank decides to wait with him while Mäx talks with Coach.
They get to talking about their families or, rather, about Jan’s family and how his parents divorced when he was ten and how now he lives with his mom because his dad has moved away and is not coming back. Frank is reluctant to talk about his own family. Jan suspects at first Frank does not want to make him feel bad with stories about how happy they are but he quickly learns that he is horribly wrong. Frank’s home life might include two parents and a marriage but there is little love going on there.
“Oh, it’s great having your parents look at you in disappointment,” Frank says sadly. “It’s absolutely wonderful to have them critique you for everything you are and everything you do. They say your clothes are wrong, the way you walk is wrong, the way you talk is wrong. Every last little thing is wrong and there’s nothing you can do to make them change their minds.”
“Shit,” Jan says, glancing over at him. Frank smiles grimly and tosses a rock into the water. It skips twice before disappearing into the murky river.
“S’okay. I don’t have it as bad as Mäx. You know his uncle’s the minister of a church, right?”
Jan nods.
“We used to go to Sunday School together. I don’t go that often anymore but my mom still goes most Sundays.”
Frank grins.
“Yeah, I know. Mäx’s mentioned it a couple of times.”
A shot of awesome energy hits Jan’s heart. Mäx remembers him? Years have passed since they were both little enough to be in class together and Jan has not thought about Mäx in the intervening years. The day he had walked in on Mäx carrying oars over his shoulder two weeks into practice when Jan has finally remembered had been an odd shock; he was someone he had thought had disappeared completely, someone who had left and continued his life somewhere far away. Mäx has never treated him as anything more than his coxswain and teammate. Jan doubts he remembers.
But for Frank to have known something so trivial about the two of them…Mäx must have remembered. And for Mäx to have remembered means that Jan means something to him. It is an odd revelation, disturbing and thrilling at the same time.
“Anyway-“Frank’s voice breaks in. “If you don’t mind-”
“Go on.”
Frank grins and plunges into his story.
“So anyway, his uncle’s the minister of this huge church. His parents are really religious, too. I guess they always planned on him studying theology and going into the church, and Mäx didn’t want that. It just wasn’t for him.”
“What’s he planning on doing?” Jan asks.
“He’s trying to get a rowing scholarship to an American school. Coach says he has a real chance, especially if he learns to row port as well as he rows starboard. His rhythm’s great, his erg time’s 1:28, and he’s got the drive to go far. If he keeps improving, he’ll have a chance at nationals. His parents are completely against it, though. They want him to quit crew and go to Universität Hamburg.”
“There a reason we’re talking about me?” Mäx asks. Frank tilts his head back and smiles impishly at his friend.
“Because I’m madly in love with you and can’t bear keeping the news from the world.”
Mäx rolls his eyes.
“Budge over, lover boy.” He looks at Jan, then back at Frank. Jan is surprised and more than a bit confused when Frank nods.
“What’s up, man?” Mäx asks Jan. “Your family giving you shit for being gay?”
“What?!” Jan yelps, staring at Frank, horrified. “How did you…? Why…?”
“Like it wasn’t obvious.” Mäx smiles lazily as he watches Jan’s blush deepen. “Boy, you’ve been staring at Juri like he was a side of meat since the second you met him. I say give it up already; the guy’s as straight as they come.”
“Thanks for ruining all his dreams, Mäx,” Frank says but he is grinning like it is a joke. Mäx shoves him and then the two are laughing.
“I can make all his dreams come true if coxswainboy wants me to,” Mäx retorts. Frank’s smile fades. Jan looks from Frank to Mäx, not sure what is going on.
“Anyway,” Mäx says, addressing Jan. “I was gonna offer you a ride since you’ve been waiting here a while.”
“My mom’s going to pick me up,” Jan says quickly, his voice thin and a bit higher than normal from embarrassment. “Thanks, though.”
“Naw, come on, man. You can call your mom; tell her Mäx is taking you home. It’s all good.” Jan does not glance at Frank, who has become stiff. Frank is glaring at Mäx. Jan does not see him as he is too focused on Mäx.
“Oh, cool! Yeah, that’d be great.” Jan bounces up from the curb and heads off with Mäx. He turns back to wave at Frank but the rower is already walking away. Jan frowns, turning back to Mäx. “She was supposed to be here ages ago,” he continues. “I don’t know what’s keeping her. Really, though, thanks for the ride.”
Mäx smiles and dips his head as he gets into the car, his blonde curls falling into his face. He leans over to unlock the passenger side door and Jan bounds in.
“Like I said, it’s all good.”
They drive off.
ØØØ
The next week, it is as though Frank and Jan had never talked. Frank is quiet and he avoids meeting Jan’s eyes even when Jan simply asks him to grab an oar or to help bring the launch in. Jan is confused and strangely hurt by his actions. He wonders what he did to make Frank turn away from him so quickly. Hadn’t they been getting along?
Everything feels so transient.
Oddly, Mäx starts paying attention to Jan. He smiles at him and follows his requests up with ‘yessir’s’ and ‘got it’s’ which he never did before. Frank’s rejection becomes less painful as Mäx acts more and more pleasant, Jan not noticing that the two’s friendship has become strained.
It starts to make sense a few weeks later when, after practice, Mäx invites Jan over to his friend’s house. Mäx actually likes him, of that Jan is absolutely sure. You don’t invite people you don’t like over to play video games.
ØØØ
They are standing on Mäx’s friend’s doorstep, waiting for someone to answer the door. The excitement has been building in Jan’s chest for hours, days really, if he thinks about when Mäx first asked him if he wanted to go over to “Jo’s house”. Jan has never met Jo. Whoever he is, he is not a rower and he never went to their church. Jan is not afraid of Jo not liking him because Mäx would not take him to meet someone he would not like, would he? Jan is on the verge of making a new friend, he just knows it.
“Mäx!”
Jan blinks in confusion at the sudden flash of bright color and energy that meets them when the door opens. A tiny brown-haired boy grins gleefully up at him. He is clad in a painful, ludicrous outfit, neon green pants and a purple hoodie covered in butterflies.
Mäx laughs and hugs the little energy ball before grabbing his shoulders and turning him to face Jan.
“We have a guest,” Mäx tells him. The boy grins even wider and thrusts his hand out to Jan.
“M’name’s Fabi Halbig,” he says in a fast jumble as he bounces happily up and down. “Has Mäx kissed you yet?”
Jan chokes on his spit. A much taller version of Fabi comes up behind him and grabs the side of Fabi’s head, pulling him under his arm. Fabi squirms against his brother and scowls up at him.
“Don’t take it personally, he asks everyone that,” the taller brunette says. “He’s just bored and wants something to talk about.” He sticks his hand out as well, keeping the other firmly fixed on Fabi’s head. Fabi squirms against him. “Who’re you?”
Mäx snorts.
“Jan, this is Jo. Jo, Jan.” Jo raises an eyebrow at Mäx.
“Is he a coxswain?” Fabi asks excitedly, finally managing to wrangle himself away from Jo. When Mäx didn’t immediately answer, he tries again. “Does he do crew, too?”
“Fabi, go do something,” Jo orders, ignoring his brother’s unhappy complaints.
“So you’re the coxswain,” Jo says, looking Jan up and down. “You’re certainly the right height for the job. We’re planning on getting Fabi in as a coxswain if he doesn’t reach his growth spurt by the time he’s old enough to join the team. You like it?”
Jan nods.
“That’s good.”
Fabi is bouncing with joy when the three of them join him in front of the television, a video game controller in one hand and three sitting next to him. He grins at Jan as broadly as at Mäx and his brother, not a smidge of irony in his expression.
Jan feels easy around the little brunette and sits down next to him, taking a controller from him as Fabi starts chattering away about whatever game he is starting up on the console. Jan has played video games a few times before, at David’s house, and he’s fairly good at it. He is not clumsy with the controls like Timo is, fumbling over the many brightly colored buttons as David crows in his ear.
Timo’s family doesn’t have the money for video games. He does not have money for a lot of things, actually, including lunch most days since his mom lost her last job. The luxury of David’s house and David’s things sickens Jan on some level but the thrill of the bright lights and the cartoon characters on the television screen delights him on another. He settles into the game easily, happily because there are friends around him, people who care, people like Mäx who aren’t so fucking obsessed with their ‘best friend’, their goddamn best friend that Jan can never, ever be, that they can’t give him the time and attention he so desperately wants and needs.
Maybe things are finally changing for Jan.
ØØØ
Jan starts spending a lot of time with Mäx, Jo, and Fabi. He’s incredibly happy when he learns that Mäx plays guitar and not the little plucking of a beginner but well, better than Timo and as good as David but with a different style that Jan’s only ever heard in American music. Jo plays as well and he sings but he’s nothing like David, obsessive, nitpicky David who cares only about what he writes and he plays and he thinks. Jo listens to what Mäx and Fabi, too, and he doesn’t tell Jan to hush when he has a suggestion.
But Fabi is the standout in the group. He’s only thirteen but he has a life and a spirit that never fades. He loves everything and hates nothing, and is so enthusiastic about everything Jo and Mäx, and now Jan, too, say. Jan feels like a big brother to him before long, he makes sure to tell the shy coxswain. Fabi really seems to enjoy his company and Jan likes him a great deal.
Jan’s mild attraction to Mäx is growing stronger with every afternoon spent together and every race rowed with him at the bow. Jan imagines running his hands through Mäx’s soft curls; he imagines touching Mäx and he imagines kissing the rower in the dark shadows of the boathouse when no one’s watching. He imagines having a real boyfriend in Mäx, someone who is actually his friend first and his lover second.
Jan’s interest in Juri is not diminishing but the candle he holds for Juri has burned down to a blackened wick in the center of a vast pool of molten wax. It burns so well and so strongly but, if Juri continues to ignore Jan’s interest, and, if Juri cannot return that interest, Jan will not pour the stifling wax out. He will let the flame die out in his own desire. Mäx is a new candle, a new chance to have happiness in a limited candelabrum of homosexuality. Mäx, unlike Juri, is capable of understanding and returning Jan’s desire for male companionship.
ØØØ
They get together swiftly both in time and in action. There is no finesse to Mäx’s kissing but Jan does not complain. He has no experience to compare Mäx to, no one else who he has ever so much as experimented with.
Jan thinks there should be more to their relationship than quick gropes and kisses. He wants Mäx to say something, to give him some definite promise that Mäx really cares about him, but Mäx does not like to hold him or kiss him gently. Jan wonders if this is the way it is with all guys. He wonders if he is just a weak, little girl inside and that is why Mäx does not do all the things he wants.
Or maybe it is Jo. Jan hates him, though he will not say anything about him, not to Mäx at least. Jo is perfect to Mäx, Jo is everything Jan is not, Jo can do no wrong. If Jan complains about Mäx spending the weekends with Jo instead of with him, Mäx brushes it off, saying a guy has every right to spend time with his friends. Jan agrees with him every time, says he is sorry for mentioning it, and that he will see Mäx at practice on Monday. Then he spends the weekend alone, too upset to call Timo up because Jo is David all over again.
Jan just wants someone to care about him the way Timo cares for David and the way Mäx cares for Jo. Why, he wonders late at night, can’t he find someone like that?
But then the weekend ends and Mäx is with him again in those stolen moments of practice that Jo can’t ever cut in on. Mäx is there, laughing and happy, and they are together, even if it’s only with the rest of the team. They make out before and after practice, sometimes in the bathrooms, too, and Jan tells himself that everything is okay, that this weekend will be different, that this time Mäx will want to hang out with him instead of Jo.
It never happens. Mäx gives him an excuse. He and Jo have plans, Jo needs to get some new clothes, Jo wants to see some movie and it would be weird if Jan went along, you know?
Yes, you’re right. Don’t worry about it; I’ve got plans, too. It’s a lie and a bad one but Jan does not want Mäx to think he’s needy and obsessive. He can spend those three days without Mäx; he’s got things to do other than hang out with his boyfriend.
Mäx never questions Jan anyway.
ØØØ
“Here, try this,” Jo says, grinning at Jan as he hands him the joint. Jan doesn’t want to, he hates the smell that clings to Mäx’s clothes but, shit, it’s Jo asking him and he can’t refuse. Jan can’t let Mäx know how much he detests Jo, how much he wants to punch the asshole in the face and tell him to get the fuck away from his boyfriend. It would only make things worse.
He takes the joint from Jo, pinching his fingers in imitation of the older boy. Jo laughs in his face, turning to tell Mäx how pathetic and ridiculous his boy toy looks. Mäx laughs and Jan gets angry. He puts the joint to his lips and sucks the smoke in hard to prove that he isn’t what Jo says he is.
At first, he feels nothing, just the familiar burning in his lungs like when he smokes a cigarette. Jan is up to three cigarettes a day, smoking at least two with Mäx after practice and one on his own when he walks home from Jo’s house, Mäx almost never remembering to offer him a ride. Gradually, he begins to feel light headed and relaxed, two things he rarely feels when he is around Jo.
Then he starts giggling. Jan feels ridiculous but Mäx is smiling his lazy smile and now Jo is, too. Everything feels loose. It’s nice, even if he can’t stop giggling. Suddenly Jo doesn’t seem like such a jerk, he’s a regular guy, a bit uptight and sarcastic but he’s fun. Everyone’s fun…
ØØØ
Jan does not have a good reason why he agreed to come to the crew party. He is the coxswain of two of the team’s most successful boats but, still, he’s just the coxswain. He is no one big, in physical size or importance and he’s never completely sure of his purpose outside of the boathouse.
It is true that Mäx, his boyfriend of a few weeks, is going to be there as well but once they get to the party, they separate. Mäx went off to find his friends and a cup of beer, and Jan has slunk into a corner where no one will really notice him. He is trying to stay out of everyone’s way but drunk and giddy couples are stumbling everywhere and there is not two minutes when Jan is not face to ass with someone he would rather not be so close to.
Jan is watching Mäx from across the room, not because he thinks Mäx is going to do something stupid (he knows for a fact that Mäx will) but because Jo came along with them.
It is not the first time Jo has done it but it is still irritating to Jan. He has Mäx against the wall, talking to his friend in quiet tones that only they can hear and looking around every few minutes surreptitiously like there is something he is trying to hide from Jan.
It is so obvious to Jan that Jo wants to be with Mäx. Every word Jo utters and every gesture he makes practically scream possession to Jan, and he wonders why Mäx cannot see that Jo wants himself in and Jan out. It is just like Timo and David: Jan is the outsider, the intruder trying to steal one of the best friends away. And just like Timo never seems to notice and David never seems to leave off, so Jo lingers around Mäx, the rower oblivious to the want pooling in Jo’s heart.
Jan is starting to feel sick and he sets his cup down, heading off to find someone he does not know- that being almost everyone- to dance with. A couple of dances and he will forget that Jo hates him and that Mäx does not really love him, cannot love him because Jo already holds that spot within him just like David owns Timo. It’s not Mäx’s fault, he tells himself. He didn’t choose to like Jo more than me. Jo was there first. It makes sense. It makes sense.
He bumps into people, most of them not noticing him because they are so much taller. He finds the throng of people dancing in the living room, music pounding from shoddy speakers, a bad mix of unimaginative heavy rap and low-quality R&B pounding into his already aching chest.
The dancing is enjoyable and easy, and Jan lets his mind go blank. He dances with girls he does not know, a few times sandwiched between them as they rock against each other. Jan is not aroused, not even a little bit, and the boredom and dull ache of dealing with his boyfriend’s jealous best friend sets back in. He is lost, unable to decide what to do about Jo, when a hand grabs his upper arm.
“You’re not looking so good,” Juri yells into his ear. “You should probably go outside for a bit. Come on.”
Jan frowns, wondering what the stroke is doing and why Christina is not on his arm. The party is open to all the rowers and any friends they want to bring with them, that being the reason fucking Jo is there, ruining Jan’s night.
“Come on,” Juri says again. “Let’s get you out of here.”
He tugs Jan with him out of the room and into the backyard, which is scattered with drunken couples flirting and stoners lighting up. Juri’s nostrils twitch at the smell of weed and Jan is a bit uncomfortable to realize that the smell does not bother him at all. Between Mäx and Frank, Jan has long since gotten used to it, even to the point of getting excited when he smells the distinct scent because it means Mäx is nearby. The jacket Jan sleeps with, the one he borrowed from Mäx and never gave back, reeks of the stuff.
Jan’s confusion over Christina's absence is dispelled when he sees her curvy form and crimped hair moving through the crowd inside. She follows them outside and within minutes, she is sitting next to Jan on the bricks rubbing his shoulder.
“Are you okay?” she says loudly over the din of the party. Jan nods shakily, realizing suddenly that he is dehydrated and a little lightheaded.
“Here,” she says, handing him a thankfully unopened water bottle. Jan is not above believing some of the drinks inside are doctored or that the alcohol content in the unspiked drinks would be enough to warp his thinking pretty quickly. “Did you come here with someone?” Christina asks, her breath surprisingly clean and free of alcohol residue. He wants to hate her so badly but she is being too nice about it for him to really want her to leave him alone.
“Yeah,” Jan croaks as he tries to untwist the cap to the water. Juri’s lips twitch and he grabs the bottle from Jan, twisting the cap off before handing it back to him. Jan grimaces his thanks and takes a sip.
“You need more than that,” Christina says, tilting the bottle up so that it pours into Jan’s mouth. He chokes and ends up spraying most of the liquid over his shoes, wheezing as he tries to breathe. “Sorry,” Christina says contritely. “I didn’t realize that’d happen. So who’re you here with? You should really get on home before you get sick from all of-” She waves her hand in the general direction of the party. “-this.”
Jan swallows, looking at Juri from under lidded eyes.
“I came with my friend.”
“You could be a little more helpful,” Christina admonishes. Jan wishes she would stop talking. Juri is just standing there looking at him and it’s making everything worse. “Who?” Christina insists.
“My boyfriend, alright?” Jan snaps weakly. “Mäx.”
“Mäx from the four?” Juri asks. Jan nods.
Christina clicks her tongue and looks at Juri.
“Well, hell. I wouldn’t trust Mäx with getting himself home.” Anger floods through Jan and he glances away from her. Who is she to talk about his boyfriend like that? Sure, Mäx is a bit of a free spirit but he would not hurt Jan, and he isn’t even high tonight. Yet. “You can come with us,” Christina announces, taking Jan by the wrist. He gets up slowly, cursing Juri’s girlfriend for her strength. He does not want to go anywhere with her tonight, talking about his boyfriend like Mäx’s a piece of trash.
“Come on, coxswain,” Juri rumbles. Jan sucks on his teeth, not willing to look at the man he’s still got a rather strong flame for. “I’ll leave a message on Mäx’s phone telling him we took you home so he doesn’t worry.”
Jan smiles. Maybe this won’t turn out so bad. Honestly, if Jan tells himself the complete truth, riding in Juri’s car, even for ten minutes, is a lot more satisfying than falling asleep with Mäx’s hoodie.
“Thank you,” he mutters as he settles into the backseat. Jan cannot meet Christina’s eyes, not when he is in the back of Juri’s car, sitting behind her and so deathly uncomfortable to be anywhere near her when her claim to Juri is so apparent.
ØØØ
“Jan?” Timo asks in surprise. “What’re you doing here?”
Jan glances at him for a second before looking back at his shoes. He is sitting on Timo’s doorstep which is suspect enough and now Timo is staring down at him.
“Can I come in? I don’t want to go home right now,” Jan says quietly.
“Yeah, sure,” Timo says, stepping back and opening the door for Jan. Jan gets up from his depressed crouch, the back of his legs stinging from the cold bricks. He walks inside and sits down on Timo’s couch.
“Mom’s not home,” Timo says as he pulls two Fanta bottles out of the refrigerator. “And Rose is out with her latest boyfriend.”
Jan says nothing. He stares at the wall as though he does not hear Timo at all.
“Jan.”
“What?!”
“What’s wrong with you? You show up at my house at two in the fucking morning, smelling like pot and beer, and expect me not to notice? What’s going on, man?”
“Nothing.”
“Bullshit.”
“Fuck off, Timo. You don’t give a damn what happens to me!”
“I just let you in my fucking house! The least you could do is talk to me.”
“Since when do you care? With you, it’s always David, David, David. No, you’re wrong, this is the way David does it,” Jan snaps, glaring up at Timo. “No, that’s not right, David says this. David this and David that; David fucking everything! There’s never a break with you.”
“That’s not true-”
“Of course it’s fucking true. David’s the first thing you think about and the first person you mention, and I’m sick of it! Why do you even pretend to be my friend?”
“How can you say that?” Timo asks in disbelief. “I’m not your friend but I let you inside at weird hours of the day. I’m not your friend but I worry about you spending all your time with potheads and lowlifes who only want to use you-”
“Mäx isn’t using me! We’re dating, you idiot!”
Timo sneers.
“He’s using you. He wants to turn you into a stoner just like him. And, anyways, how come you can’t tell me when you’re obsessing over some guy I’ve never met? How come I have to find out from someone else that you’re head over heels for Juri? That’s shit, Jan.”
Jan stills, his heart stopping as his eyes widen in fear.
“Who told you about Juri?” he asks softly, his voice cool and deadly calm. Timo’s cheek twitches and he looks suddenly nervous under Jan’s frightening gaze.
“Someone on the crew team,” he says, his voice uneven.
“Who?” Jan asks. “Are you following me, checking up on all my other friends, asking everyone you can about me?”
“No, it’s not like that,” Timo says, raising his hands to guard himself. Jan stands up, using the sudden height difference to his advantage. Timo does not seem nearly as tall now that Jan is standing up.
“Then what’s it like?” Jan hisses.
“I’m just worried about you, alright?” Timo yells. “You’re changing so fast and you’re becoming someone I don’t recognize. The Jan I know didn’t do drugs and he certainly didn’t go out to parties without telling anyone. You realize your mom called me twice tonight asking where you were? I had to tell her I didn’t know because you sure as hell didn’t tell me. Since you joined this crew team, you’ve been getting farther and farther away. All you ever talk about anymore is crew and rowing.”
“Why should I tell you where I go?” Jan counters. “All you care about is David. You don’t care about me.”
“Yes, I do, Jan! That’s what I’m trying to tell you. It’s you who’s pushing me away not me.”
“Because you only ever talk about David! You spend every waking moment with him and when you two’re apart it’s David, David, David!”
“Did you ever think maybe I hang out with him because he actually treats me like a human being?” Timo says, his voice losing its volume. “He doesn’t make me feel like shit. He doesn’t say things that make me feel like an idiot because I can’t even begin to understand them. David doesn’t make me feel like I’m worthless and stupid like you do. He actually likes my music and he helps me when I have problems and he encourages my ideas. You always think of something better or tell me that my lyrics are stupid or that I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Jesus Christ, Jan, I’ve known David since we were little kids. I’ve had a lot longer to get to know him. Sometimes I do talk about him more than I should but it’s because I want to include you in what we do. But you just don’t care.
Music’s stopped being important to you but it hasn’t changed for me. Rapping and playing the guitar are two things I’m actually good at and, unlike you, David doesn’t try to upstage me. He doesn’t care that I’m not as good at him; he just wants me to keep trying. You just want to tell me I’m wrong and that nothing I do matters because there’s a better way of doing it.
You and David mess around with the software on his computer for hours. You never try to tell me what you’re doing so is it really all that hard to believe that I listen to David when he explains it to me?
Do you know how much it hurts David that you don’t like him, Jan? You’re so good at what you do and David wants so badly to be friends with you but you won’t let him in. You push him away, you stop listening to him when he’s talking. You’re off in your own little world anymore and no one can reach you.
So don’t tell me I don’t care, Jan, because I fucking do.”
Jan looks at Timo, stunned by his friend’s words. He sits back down on the couch and covers his eyes with his hands, too floored to say anything. Timo lets out a harsh, shaky breath and sits down next to him.
“I- I didn’t know you thought that,” Jan says, peering at Timo from the cracks in his hands.
“I didn’t really know either,” Timo admits, letting out a shaky laugh. “It just sort of came out.”
“Can you tell me this at least? Who told you about Juri?”
Timo smiles and flicks Jan in the neck with his thumb and forefinger.
“Some guy named Frank. He lives up the street from David. He’s a singer actually, a damn good one, too, from what I’ve heard. You know him?”
“Yeah, kind of.”
“Kind of?” Timo says. The nastiness is not fully gone from his voice but it is certainly not as plain to hear as it was before. Jan relaxes somewhat. “Kind of? Jan, from what Frank’s been telling David, it’s more than kind of. Frank rows in your boat and he sees you every day at practice. Your job-” Timo laughs. “Your job is to boss him around, right?”
Jan shrugs.
“Juri does those things, too. How do you know there’s any difference between them?” Jan says.
Timo looks aggrieved. Jan looks at him, not blinking. They stare at each other as though in contest until Jan finally looks away, blinking rapidly to clear his eyes.
“Why couldn’t you tell me about Juri?” Timo asks.
“I didn’t think you cared. I’ve got a crush on him. You don’t tell me about every little crush you have, Timo. I just, you know, didn’t say anything. It wasn’t going anywhere.”
“Uh, yeah, I do,” Timo says, an annoyed look crossing his face. He forces Jan to look at him, the little blonde desperate to look anywhere else. Timo finally grabs the back of his neck and brings their foreheads together. He stares at his second best friend in cooled anger, searching Jan’s sapphire-blue eyes for the answers he wants. Finding no answer in the depths of Jan’s irises- Timo does not truly expect to suddenly develop the ability to read eyes (was that a real ability? Timo did not know.)- Timo lets him go with a deep sigh. He turns and flings his arms out in exasperation. Jan stays rooted to the spot.
“Right,” Timo sighs. “Of course, you’re not going to tell me anything. Why would you?”
Previous Next
There is a race the very next weekend and this time the team is staying overnight at a hostel. In the morning, they will get up two hours before the races and head down to the racecourse to set up the boats. For now, though, a party is raging.
Jan is scrunched into the corner of the hostel room in a confused ball, watching the guys from the eight and two of the mixed fours play some form of the beer pong game that all of those American movies about university play. They are all either drunk or high or some frightening combination of both and it is very disturbing to watch all of the huge rowers yelling and cheering over the din of the radio which is playing American rap music. Jan cringes to the sounds of Beyonce singing about really dirty things he can only half comprehend because he never did pay much attention in English class. The rowers- his rowers- are chanting crude lyrics, though, so Jan’s hardly lacking for revolting jokes.
He takes a sip of his beer shakily, too overwhelmed by the loud noise and the constant movement around him to stay calm. A few guys are missing, namely Juri, and Jan wonders where he is. Doesn’t he want to play the games, too?
Jan has a fantasy going on in his head right then of Juri getting a little too drunk and noticing him sitting in the corner. He imagines Juri coming over to him and sitting down next to him, and then leaning in and kissing him before admitting that he likes Jan, too, and has for a long while. Then they would leave this horrible room with too much noise and too much weed and too much beer, and then Juri would kiss him softly for a long time, just sweet the first time and maybe more later on when things play out and Juri dumps Christina and starts dating him.
“You okay, man?”
Jan jolts out of his fantasy world, his face alight with hope, thinking somehow that it’s Juri talking to him, that everything is going to play out the way he imagined it. His hope sinks immediately, though, when he realizes it’s not Juri at all but Frank and his ever-present pothead friend Mäx.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jan says without thinking, his chest suddenly filled with painful disappointment. Frank frowns and kneels beside him, clutching the metal frame of the bunk bed Jan’s hiding behind. Frank’s eyes are predictably red, as are Mäx’s and Jan has not got a damn bit of doubt why.
“Nah, you’re not,” Frank says. “Come on, let’s get you back to your room.”
He holds out his hand to Jan. Jan glances at him uncertainly but takes it, leaving his beer on the floor. He follows Frank and Mäx out the door and into the hallway, his spirits sagging even more when they don’t run into Juri along the way.
“You should get some sleep,” Frank says, stopping Jan outside the door to his room, his hand on Jan’s shoulder. “Tomorrow’d be a disaster if you’re hung over.”
Jan stares at him, not sure how to take advice from a guy stoned out of his mind. Frank smiles and pats Jan’s shoulder.
“Just get some rest,” Frank says. “We can’t have our coxswain falling asleep at the stern.”
ØØØ
As the tallest of the rowers in the four, Juri never carries the boat on his shoulder. He keeps it just off his shoulder, eight centimeters down. Jan notices this not because of his specific interest in Juri but because of the irrefutable fact that the boat is perpetually at a perfect angle to wap him in the head. Getting hit by the fiberglass shell hurts, obviously, but the bigger problem is the disorienting effect that has on several occasions caused him to stumble and nearly fall off the dock. It is only due to Juri’s quick one-armed grabs that Jan has not ended up a stinking, soaked, and completely unamused mess.
It would not be so bad if the water in the immediate area of the dock were not the most polluted. Not only do the geese and ducks relieve themselves on the dock’s worn wood but empty, dead crab shells and mangled refuse find their way there as well. The rowers have learned the folly of not looking where they tread and where they place their oars.
The water is a dark greenish brown and saturated with salt. During low tide, the sulphur entrenched in the mud bubbles out in sickening quantities, making even the most experienced rower gag and beg the coxswain to hurry their departure. The smell is so intense and so disturbing that many have questioned whether it is not in fact dangerous to inhale the fumes. But the smell, like the appearance of the polluted water, quickly fades from notice once the boats pull away and the oars move.
On the water, out past the shoreline and the houses, it is calm and beautiful. The sky seems never ending, stretching from one side to the other as far as you can crane your neck, with only the span of bridges and the houses dotting the shoreline showing the passage of distance to the casual observer. But the water holds many unnoticed bits of subcultures, like the crab pots interspersed along the waterway. Ordinary people set these contraptions out along the water, relying only on bits of raw chicken meat and simple metal designs to ensnare the tasty crabs that abound in these waters. The people that row on this river know the crab pots well. There is even a term that seems to refer to the peculiar problem presented by the football-sized buoys the crab pot ropes are attached to: crabbing.
In rowing, crabbing means to catch your oar in the water in such a way that the oar, through a combination of the force of the boat’s push through the water and the lack of movement in the water itself, becomes snared. When this happens, the oar handle typically jams or hits the rower against his chest while the oar slows the speed of the boat. In more dramatic conditions, such as a race, crabbing can be dangerous. The oar handle can pop up with frightening speed and slam into the rower’s face or head, leading to bloody noses and, under extreme circumstances, concussions. It is therefore in all the rowers’ best interests to stop the boat until the crabbed oar can be fixed by the rower leaning far back and pulling the oar over his head.
ØØØ
Jan watches Juri texting his girlfriend while they wait for the eight to catch up. It is halfway down the river because they are practicing today and most of the guys didn’t show up, so the girls are using the spare eight to train the newcomers and they are crabbing the whole way up. Jan checks his watch as though he cares, too preoccupied with studying Juri to actually check the time.
Juri’s lips twitch upwards and he begins to text a reply, looking absolutely gorgeous hulked over his phone. His knees are almost in Jan’s face but Jan doesn’t care.
“Coxswain.”
Jan stares at Juri’s fingers. He is so used to Juri texting that he can almost tell what the texts say by the way Juri’s fingers fly over the keys. Almost. Jan knows if he paid that little bit of attention more that he’d know the message of every text but he’s not sure he really wants to. Personal love texts to just might break his heart, he thinks.
“Coxswain.”
Juri’s hair has gotten lighter from practicing every day. It used to be a dark, almost sandy blonde but now it resembles more of a sunflower-like color. Jan likes it now that it’s getting long. It’s past Juri’s ears and he sweeps it across his forehead in the most attractive way-
“JAN!”
“Huh?” Jan says as he snaps back to attention. He looks out to the bow and hears an irritated curse from Mäx.
“The eight’s here,” Mäx says, obviously annoyed. “And we’ve drifted way off point. Do you want me to take a stroke or not?”
“Uh, yeah, that’s fine,” Jan says, readjusting his headset to cover his embarrassment. He can almost hear Mäx rolling his eyes as he takes a too strong stroke. They spend the next few minutes adjusting the boat until they’re lined up to start a Power Twenty. Jan gives the go ahead before he’s ready and the four jerks off, the catch throwing Jan forward into Juri’s feet. Juri’s oar misses him by all of three centimeters before Jan can grab hold of the sides of the boat.
“Five,” he calls out, having missed the first four strokes. There’s laughter from Linke and Frank, and Jan’s cheeks pink.
Today’s practice is going to be horrible, he just knows it.
ØØØ
It’s a running joke among the crew team that Jan likes Juri. Jan becomes fearful and anxious when he first learns that he causes his teammates so much amusement and he continues on that way for several weeks, going through practice like a dead man, unable to look anyone in the eye.
But not everyone on the team is truly mean-spirited and not everyone enjoys having Jan laughed at.
“Hey, coxswain.” Jan sighs as he hears the familiar call.
“Yeah?” he asks gruffly, not bothering to look over his shoulder at Frank. It is just what Jan wants, one of his rowers making fun of him. “Do you need something? The boats’re put away; you can go home.”
Jan stiffens at the feel of Frank’s hand on his arm.
“Hey,” Frank says again, softer this time. “It’s not all that bad. They just do it to bug you.”
Jan’s nostrils flare angrily and he shakes his arm out of Frank’s grasp. He flicks his eyes at the tall brunette.
“So what? It’s still fucking stupid.”
Frank grabs Jan and in seconds he finds himself in the rower’s arms, being rocked slightly back and forth while Frank holds his neck and back. Jan’s body goes rigid but Frank does not let go, simply clasps Jan tighter. It is comforting and Jan relaxes against Frank, his face pressed against Frank’s strong chest. He can feel- not hear, feel- Frank’s heartbeat. It is slow and strong, and Jan feels so good standing there with Frank holding him. For a small time, Jan imagines that it is Juri holding him. That fantasy fades, though, once Jan realizes it’s Frank, everything from the wonderful smell of his cologne to his shirt against Jan’s cheek to his slow exhalations marking him as someone completely different.
“It bothers you a lot, doesn’t it?” Frank asks in a voice so quiet Jan knows no one else can hear it. That in itself sends a delicious shiver through him. Someone is hugging him, someone is touching him, and, for once, there is no doubt in Jan’s mind that someone other than Timo actually likes him.
“Doesn’t it?” Frank asks again when Jan does not answer, the coxswain too mind-blown by Frank’s presence to process his words. “Doesn’t it?” Frank asks, tilting Jan’s chin up with a long finger. Jan stares up into the most brilliant blue eyes he has ever seen, so much bluer than even David’s, and blinks. Frank smiles at him and hugs him tightly.
“Yes,” Jan whispers, feeling like those blue eyes are sucking him in somehow. There is a feeling in his chest like what Jan feels for Juri, except different, completely different because Frank’s nothing like Juri. Juri’s flawless, taller, and stronger, with eyes that are never, ever tinged red by smoke. Frank, and Mäx, too, because outside of this one moment now, they are one and the same to him, two of a horrible, delinquent kind that Jan wants nothing to do with, represents everything Jan has always been against.
For now, though, Jan does not care. He forgets Juri because Frank’s holding him close and Frank is talking to him and Frank’s actually giving a damn that Jan’s right here wanting him. Jan is suddenly, painfully aware that he’s falling for Frank.
It shatters something inside him, that revelation does. How can he be in love with Juri if he likes Frank? Jan’s dreams are ruined. Juri cannot be his soul mate if Frank is this attractive, this sinfully, handsomely attractive and kind, so kind, caring for him when everyone else just wants to laugh at him. Juri is not the One and Jan is more alone than even a minute before. And it sucks.
ØØØ
That embrace, that moment where Frank was holding him, changes something in Jan’s relationship with the rower. Over the next week, Frank talks to him more and more, even staying after practice to walk with Jan over to the convenience store by David’s house.
It is nice having someone actually pay attention to him, Jan thinks, though Frank is more scatterbrained than Jan had suspected. His words blend and disappear as he talks, as though he has marbles in his mouth, and Jan has little clue what the guy is saying. Frank is not high by the end of practice (he and Mäx are strictly forbidden from lighting up around the boats as are all of the regular smokers) but he is hardly coherent.
Partly, it’s because of his accent. Frank is a southerner. He moved from Heidelberg the year before and still retains the distinctive sh to his ch’s that some of the girls on the team laugh about. Jan laughed, too, to himself.
That was before he heard Frank sing.
Frank’s voice blows Jan’s mind. It is soft, faintly haunting, and completely different from David’s voice, that last quality alone being enough for Jan to fall in love with it. It is so effortless and happy, unlike Timo’s angry raps and acerbic lyrics. Frank sings lyrics to songs Jan has never heard and it’s charming to listen to as they walk.
Frank is so nice that Jan quickly forgets that he is not supposed to like the pothead. He actually listens to what Jan has to say and asks questions when he does not understand. When Frank talks, Jan cannot help the buzzing in his chest. He loves listening to the rower, loves learning about all the people and places Frank has seen, what Heidelberg looks like, what Frank does in his spare time. It is interesting that Frank so rarely talks about Mäx. Jan had thought they were glued at the hip. He is learning, though, that that is so far from the truth it is not funny. Mäx goes to school with Frank, Mäx smokes with Frank, Mäx rows with Frank, and that is it. They have little in common, it seems.
It makes every time Frank does talk about Mäx that much more interesting. Mäx, it turns out, is a figure from Jan’s past, someone he had completely forgotten. It had been nagging at him for the first few weeks since they had been introduced, a question at the back of Jan’s mind that he could not resolve. They used to go to church together, he realizes eventually, and would see each other once a week in Sunday School when Jan’s mother still thought religion was important. Mäx, it is safe to say, has changed a lot since then.
ØØØ
Jan and Frank are sitting together after practice on the curb by the sidewalk, talking. Jan is not going to meet Timo today because his mom is coming to pick him up. Frank decides to wait with him while Mäx talks with Coach.
They get to talking about their families or, rather, about Jan’s family and how his parents divorced when he was ten and how now he lives with his mom because his dad has moved away and is not coming back. Frank is reluctant to talk about his own family. Jan suspects at first Frank does not want to make him feel bad with stories about how happy they are but he quickly learns that he is horribly wrong. Frank’s home life might include two parents and a marriage but there is little love going on there.
“Oh, it’s great having your parents look at you in disappointment,” Frank says sadly. “It’s absolutely wonderful to have them critique you for everything you are and everything you do. They say your clothes are wrong, the way you walk is wrong, the way you talk is wrong. Every last little thing is wrong and there’s nothing you can do to make them change their minds.”
“Shit,” Jan says, glancing over at him. Frank smiles grimly and tosses a rock into the water. It skips twice before disappearing into the murky river.
“S’okay. I don’t have it as bad as Mäx. You know his uncle’s the minister of a church, right?”
Jan nods.
“We used to go to Sunday School together. I don’t go that often anymore but my mom still goes most Sundays.”
Frank grins.
“Yeah, I know. Mäx’s mentioned it a couple of times.”
A shot of awesome energy hits Jan’s heart. Mäx remembers him? Years have passed since they were both little enough to be in class together and Jan has not thought about Mäx in the intervening years. The day he had walked in on Mäx carrying oars over his shoulder two weeks into practice when Jan has finally remembered had been an odd shock; he was someone he had thought had disappeared completely, someone who had left and continued his life somewhere far away. Mäx has never treated him as anything more than his coxswain and teammate. Jan doubts he remembers.
But for Frank to have known something so trivial about the two of them…Mäx must have remembered. And for Mäx to have remembered means that Jan means something to him. It is an odd revelation, disturbing and thrilling at the same time.
“Anyway-“Frank’s voice breaks in. “If you don’t mind-”
“Go on.”
Frank grins and plunges into his story.
“So anyway, his uncle’s the minister of this huge church. His parents are really religious, too. I guess they always planned on him studying theology and going into the church, and Mäx didn’t want that. It just wasn’t for him.”
“What’s he planning on doing?” Jan asks.
“He’s trying to get a rowing scholarship to an American school. Coach says he has a real chance, especially if he learns to row port as well as he rows starboard. His rhythm’s great, his erg time’s 1:28, and he’s got the drive to go far. If he keeps improving, he’ll have a chance at nationals. His parents are completely against it, though. They want him to quit crew and go to Universität Hamburg.”
“There a reason we’re talking about me?” Mäx asks. Frank tilts his head back and smiles impishly at his friend.
“Because I’m madly in love with you and can’t bear keeping the news from the world.”
Mäx rolls his eyes.
“Budge over, lover boy.” He looks at Jan, then back at Frank. Jan is surprised and more than a bit confused when Frank nods.
“What’s up, man?” Mäx asks Jan. “Your family giving you shit for being gay?”
“What?!” Jan yelps, staring at Frank, horrified. “How did you…? Why…?”
“Like it wasn’t obvious.” Mäx smiles lazily as he watches Jan’s blush deepen. “Boy, you’ve been staring at Juri like he was a side of meat since the second you met him. I say give it up already; the guy’s as straight as they come.”
“Thanks for ruining all his dreams, Mäx,” Frank says but he is grinning like it is a joke. Mäx shoves him and then the two are laughing.
“I can make all his dreams come true if coxswainboy wants me to,” Mäx retorts. Frank’s smile fades. Jan looks from Frank to Mäx, not sure what is going on.
“Anyway,” Mäx says, addressing Jan. “I was gonna offer you a ride since you’ve been waiting here a while.”
“My mom’s going to pick me up,” Jan says quickly, his voice thin and a bit higher than normal from embarrassment. “Thanks, though.”
“Naw, come on, man. You can call your mom; tell her Mäx is taking you home. It’s all good.” Jan does not glance at Frank, who has become stiff. Frank is glaring at Mäx. Jan does not see him as he is too focused on Mäx.
“Oh, cool! Yeah, that’d be great.” Jan bounces up from the curb and heads off with Mäx. He turns back to wave at Frank but the rower is already walking away. Jan frowns, turning back to Mäx. “She was supposed to be here ages ago,” he continues. “I don’t know what’s keeping her. Really, though, thanks for the ride.”
Mäx smiles and dips his head as he gets into the car, his blonde curls falling into his face. He leans over to unlock the passenger side door and Jan bounds in.
“Like I said, it’s all good.”
They drive off.
ØØØ
The next week, it is as though Frank and Jan had never talked. Frank is quiet and he avoids meeting Jan’s eyes even when Jan simply asks him to grab an oar or to help bring the launch in. Jan is confused and strangely hurt by his actions. He wonders what he did to make Frank turn away from him so quickly. Hadn’t they been getting along?
Everything feels so transient.
Oddly, Mäx starts paying attention to Jan. He smiles at him and follows his requests up with ‘yessir’s’ and ‘got it’s’ which he never did before. Frank’s rejection becomes less painful as Mäx acts more and more pleasant, Jan not noticing that the two’s friendship has become strained.
It starts to make sense a few weeks later when, after practice, Mäx invites Jan over to his friend’s house. Mäx actually likes him, of that Jan is absolutely sure. You don’t invite people you don’t like over to play video games.
ØØØ
They are standing on Mäx’s friend’s doorstep, waiting for someone to answer the door. The excitement has been building in Jan’s chest for hours, days really, if he thinks about when Mäx first asked him if he wanted to go over to “Jo’s house”. Jan has never met Jo. Whoever he is, he is not a rower and he never went to their church. Jan is not afraid of Jo not liking him because Mäx would not take him to meet someone he would not like, would he? Jan is on the verge of making a new friend, he just knows it.
“Mäx!”
Jan blinks in confusion at the sudden flash of bright color and energy that meets them when the door opens. A tiny brown-haired boy grins gleefully up at him. He is clad in a painful, ludicrous outfit, neon green pants and a purple hoodie covered in butterflies.
Mäx laughs and hugs the little energy ball before grabbing his shoulders and turning him to face Jan.
“We have a guest,” Mäx tells him. The boy grins even wider and thrusts his hand out to Jan.
“M’name’s Fabi Halbig,” he says in a fast jumble as he bounces happily up and down. “Has Mäx kissed you yet?”
Jan chokes on his spit. A much taller version of Fabi comes up behind him and grabs the side of Fabi’s head, pulling him under his arm. Fabi squirms against his brother and scowls up at him.
“Don’t take it personally, he asks everyone that,” the taller brunette says. “He’s just bored and wants something to talk about.” He sticks his hand out as well, keeping the other firmly fixed on Fabi’s head. Fabi squirms against him. “Who’re you?”
Mäx snorts.
“Jan, this is Jo. Jo, Jan.” Jo raises an eyebrow at Mäx.
“Is he a coxswain?” Fabi asks excitedly, finally managing to wrangle himself away from Jo. When Mäx didn’t immediately answer, he tries again. “Does he do crew, too?”
“Fabi, go do something,” Jo orders, ignoring his brother’s unhappy complaints.
“So you’re the coxswain,” Jo says, looking Jan up and down. “You’re certainly the right height for the job. We’re planning on getting Fabi in as a coxswain if he doesn’t reach his growth spurt by the time he’s old enough to join the team. You like it?”
Jan nods.
“That’s good.”
Fabi is bouncing with joy when the three of them join him in front of the television, a video game controller in one hand and three sitting next to him. He grins at Jan as broadly as at Mäx and his brother, not a smidge of irony in his expression.
Jan feels easy around the little brunette and sits down next to him, taking a controller from him as Fabi starts chattering away about whatever game he is starting up on the console. Jan has played video games a few times before, at David’s house, and he’s fairly good at it. He is not clumsy with the controls like Timo is, fumbling over the many brightly colored buttons as David crows in his ear.
Timo’s family doesn’t have the money for video games. He does not have money for a lot of things, actually, including lunch most days since his mom lost her last job. The luxury of David’s house and David’s things sickens Jan on some level but the thrill of the bright lights and the cartoon characters on the television screen delights him on another. He settles into the game easily, happily because there are friends around him, people who care, people like Mäx who aren’t so fucking obsessed with their ‘best friend’, their goddamn best friend that Jan can never, ever be, that they can’t give him the time and attention he so desperately wants and needs.
Maybe things are finally changing for Jan.
ØØØ
Jan starts spending a lot of time with Mäx, Jo, and Fabi. He’s incredibly happy when he learns that Mäx plays guitar and not the little plucking of a beginner but well, better than Timo and as good as David but with a different style that Jan’s only ever heard in American music. Jo plays as well and he sings but he’s nothing like David, obsessive, nitpicky David who cares only about what he writes and he plays and he thinks. Jo listens to what Mäx and Fabi, too, and he doesn’t tell Jan to hush when he has a suggestion.
But Fabi is the standout in the group. He’s only thirteen but he has a life and a spirit that never fades. He loves everything and hates nothing, and is so enthusiastic about everything Jo and Mäx, and now Jan, too, say. Jan feels like a big brother to him before long, he makes sure to tell the shy coxswain. Fabi really seems to enjoy his company and Jan likes him a great deal.
Jan’s mild attraction to Mäx is growing stronger with every afternoon spent together and every race rowed with him at the bow. Jan imagines running his hands through Mäx’s soft curls; he imagines touching Mäx and he imagines kissing the rower in the dark shadows of the boathouse when no one’s watching. He imagines having a real boyfriend in Mäx, someone who is actually his friend first and his lover second.
Jan’s interest in Juri is not diminishing but the candle he holds for Juri has burned down to a blackened wick in the center of a vast pool of molten wax. It burns so well and so strongly but, if Juri continues to ignore Jan’s interest, and, if Juri cannot return that interest, Jan will not pour the stifling wax out. He will let the flame die out in his own desire. Mäx is a new candle, a new chance to have happiness in a limited candelabrum of homosexuality. Mäx, unlike Juri, is capable of understanding and returning Jan’s desire for male companionship.
ØØØ
They get together swiftly both in time and in action. There is no finesse to Mäx’s kissing but Jan does not complain. He has no experience to compare Mäx to, no one else who he has ever so much as experimented with.
Jan thinks there should be more to their relationship than quick gropes and kisses. He wants Mäx to say something, to give him some definite promise that Mäx really cares about him, but Mäx does not like to hold him or kiss him gently. Jan wonders if this is the way it is with all guys. He wonders if he is just a weak, little girl inside and that is why Mäx does not do all the things he wants.
Or maybe it is Jo. Jan hates him, though he will not say anything about him, not to Mäx at least. Jo is perfect to Mäx, Jo is everything Jan is not, Jo can do no wrong. If Jan complains about Mäx spending the weekends with Jo instead of with him, Mäx brushes it off, saying a guy has every right to spend time with his friends. Jan agrees with him every time, says he is sorry for mentioning it, and that he will see Mäx at practice on Monday. Then he spends the weekend alone, too upset to call Timo up because Jo is David all over again.
Jan just wants someone to care about him the way Timo cares for David and the way Mäx cares for Jo. Why, he wonders late at night, can’t he find someone like that?
But then the weekend ends and Mäx is with him again in those stolen moments of practice that Jo can’t ever cut in on. Mäx is there, laughing and happy, and they are together, even if it’s only with the rest of the team. They make out before and after practice, sometimes in the bathrooms, too, and Jan tells himself that everything is okay, that this weekend will be different, that this time Mäx will want to hang out with him instead of Jo.
It never happens. Mäx gives him an excuse. He and Jo have plans, Jo needs to get some new clothes, Jo wants to see some movie and it would be weird if Jan went along, you know?
Yes, you’re right. Don’t worry about it; I’ve got plans, too. It’s a lie and a bad one but Jan does not want Mäx to think he’s needy and obsessive. He can spend those three days without Mäx; he’s got things to do other than hang out with his boyfriend.
Mäx never questions Jan anyway.
ØØØ
“Here, try this,” Jo says, grinning at Jan as he hands him the joint. Jan doesn’t want to, he hates the smell that clings to Mäx’s clothes but, shit, it’s Jo asking him and he can’t refuse. Jan can’t let Mäx know how much he detests Jo, how much he wants to punch the asshole in the face and tell him to get the fuck away from his boyfriend. It would only make things worse.
He takes the joint from Jo, pinching his fingers in imitation of the older boy. Jo laughs in his face, turning to tell Mäx how pathetic and ridiculous his boy toy looks. Mäx laughs and Jan gets angry. He puts the joint to his lips and sucks the smoke in hard to prove that he isn’t what Jo says he is.
At first, he feels nothing, just the familiar burning in his lungs like when he smokes a cigarette. Jan is up to three cigarettes a day, smoking at least two with Mäx after practice and one on his own when he walks home from Jo’s house, Mäx almost never remembering to offer him a ride. Gradually, he begins to feel light headed and relaxed, two things he rarely feels when he is around Jo.
Then he starts giggling. Jan feels ridiculous but Mäx is smiling his lazy smile and now Jo is, too. Everything feels loose. It’s nice, even if he can’t stop giggling. Suddenly Jo doesn’t seem like such a jerk, he’s a regular guy, a bit uptight and sarcastic but he’s fun. Everyone’s fun…
ØØØ
Jan does not have a good reason why he agreed to come to the crew party. He is the coxswain of two of the team’s most successful boats but, still, he’s just the coxswain. He is no one big, in physical size or importance and he’s never completely sure of his purpose outside of the boathouse.
It is true that Mäx, his boyfriend of a few weeks, is going to be there as well but once they get to the party, they separate. Mäx went off to find his friends and a cup of beer, and Jan has slunk into a corner where no one will really notice him. He is trying to stay out of everyone’s way but drunk and giddy couples are stumbling everywhere and there is not two minutes when Jan is not face to ass with someone he would rather not be so close to.
Jan is watching Mäx from across the room, not because he thinks Mäx is going to do something stupid (he knows for a fact that Mäx will) but because Jo came along with them.
It is not the first time Jo has done it but it is still irritating to Jan. He has Mäx against the wall, talking to his friend in quiet tones that only they can hear and looking around every few minutes surreptitiously like there is something he is trying to hide from Jan.
It is so obvious to Jan that Jo wants to be with Mäx. Every word Jo utters and every gesture he makes practically scream possession to Jan, and he wonders why Mäx cannot see that Jo wants himself in and Jan out. It is just like Timo and David: Jan is the outsider, the intruder trying to steal one of the best friends away. And just like Timo never seems to notice and David never seems to leave off, so Jo lingers around Mäx, the rower oblivious to the want pooling in Jo’s heart.
Jan is starting to feel sick and he sets his cup down, heading off to find someone he does not know- that being almost everyone- to dance with. A couple of dances and he will forget that Jo hates him and that Mäx does not really love him, cannot love him because Jo already holds that spot within him just like David owns Timo. It’s not Mäx’s fault, he tells himself. He didn’t choose to like Jo more than me. Jo was there first. It makes sense. It makes sense.
He bumps into people, most of them not noticing him because they are so much taller. He finds the throng of people dancing in the living room, music pounding from shoddy speakers, a bad mix of unimaginative heavy rap and low-quality R&B pounding into his already aching chest.
The dancing is enjoyable and easy, and Jan lets his mind go blank. He dances with girls he does not know, a few times sandwiched between them as they rock against each other. Jan is not aroused, not even a little bit, and the boredom and dull ache of dealing with his boyfriend’s jealous best friend sets back in. He is lost, unable to decide what to do about Jo, when a hand grabs his upper arm.
“You’re not looking so good,” Juri yells into his ear. “You should probably go outside for a bit. Come on.”
Jan frowns, wondering what the stroke is doing and why Christina is not on his arm. The party is open to all the rowers and any friends they want to bring with them, that being the reason fucking Jo is there, ruining Jan’s night.
“Come on,” Juri says again. “Let’s get you out of here.”
He tugs Jan with him out of the room and into the backyard, which is scattered with drunken couples flirting and stoners lighting up. Juri’s nostrils twitch at the smell of weed and Jan is a bit uncomfortable to realize that the smell does not bother him at all. Between Mäx and Frank, Jan has long since gotten used to it, even to the point of getting excited when he smells the distinct scent because it means Mäx is nearby. The jacket Jan sleeps with, the one he borrowed from Mäx and never gave back, reeks of the stuff.
Jan’s confusion over Christina's absence is dispelled when he sees her curvy form and crimped hair moving through the crowd inside. She follows them outside and within minutes, she is sitting next to Jan on the bricks rubbing his shoulder.
“Are you okay?” she says loudly over the din of the party. Jan nods shakily, realizing suddenly that he is dehydrated and a little lightheaded.
“Here,” she says, handing him a thankfully unopened water bottle. Jan is not above believing some of the drinks inside are doctored or that the alcohol content in the unspiked drinks would be enough to warp his thinking pretty quickly. “Did you come here with someone?” Christina asks, her breath surprisingly clean and free of alcohol residue. He wants to hate her so badly but she is being too nice about it for him to really want her to leave him alone.
“Yeah,” Jan croaks as he tries to untwist the cap to the water. Juri’s lips twitch and he grabs the bottle from Jan, twisting the cap off before handing it back to him. Jan grimaces his thanks and takes a sip.
“You need more than that,” Christina says, tilting the bottle up so that it pours into Jan’s mouth. He chokes and ends up spraying most of the liquid over his shoes, wheezing as he tries to breathe. “Sorry,” Christina says contritely. “I didn’t realize that’d happen. So who’re you here with? You should really get on home before you get sick from all of-” She waves her hand in the general direction of the party. “-this.”
Jan swallows, looking at Juri from under lidded eyes.
“I came with my friend.”
“You could be a little more helpful,” Christina admonishes. Jan wishes she would stop talking. Juri is just standing there looking at him and it’s making everything worse. “Who?” Christina insists.
“My boyfriend, alright?” Jan snaps weakly. “Mäx.”
“Mäx from the four?” Juri asks. Jan nods.
Christina clicks her tongue and looks at Juri.
“Well, hell. I wouldn’t trust Mäx with getting himself home.” Anger floods through Jan and he glances away from her. Who is she to talk about his boyfriend like that? Sure, Mäx is a bit of a free spirit but he would not hurt Jan, and he isn’t even high tonight. Yet. “You can come with us,” Christina announces, taking Jan by the wrist. He gets up slowly, cursing Juri’s girlfriend for her strength. He does not want to go anywhere with her tonight, talking about his boyfriend like Mäx’s a piece of trash.
“Come on, coxswain,” Juri rumbles. Jan sucks on his teeth, not willing to look at the man he’s still got a rather strong flame for. “I’ll leave a message on Mäx’s phone telling him we took you home so he doesn’t worry.”
Jan smiles. Maybe this won’t turn out so bad. Honestly, if Jan tells himself the complete truth, riding in Juri’s car, even for ten minutes, is a lot more satisfying than falling asleep with Mäx’s hoodie.
“Thank you,” he mutters as he settles into the backseat. Jan cannot meet Christina’s eyes, not when he is in the back of Juri’s car, sitting behind her and so deathly uncomfortable to be anywhere near her when her claim to Juri is so apparent.
ØØØ
“Jan?” Timo asks in surprise. “What’re you doing here?”
Jan glances at him for a second before looking back at his shoes. He is sitting on Timo’s doorstep which is suspect enough and now Timo is staring down at him.
“Can I come in? I don’t want to go home right now,” Jan says quietly.
“Yeah, sure,” Timo says, stepping back and opening the door for Jan. Jan gets up from his depressed crouch, the back of his legs stinging from the cold bricks. He walks inside and sits down on Timo’s couch.
“Mom’s not home,” Timo says as he pulls two Fanta bottles out of the refrigerator. “And Rose is out with her latest boyfriend.”
Jan says nothing. He stares at the wall as though he does not hear Timo at all.
“Jan.”
“What?!”
“What’s wrong with you? You show up at my house at two in the fucking morning, smelling like pot and beer, and expect me not to notice? What’s going on, man?”
“Nothing.”
“Bullshit.”
“Fuck off, Timo. You don’t give a damn what happens to me!”
“I just let you in my fucking house! The least you could do is talk to me.”
“Since when do you care? With you, it’s always David, David, David. No, you’re wrong, this is the way David does it,” Jan snaps, glaring up at Timo. “No, that’s not right, David says this. David this and David that; David fucking everything! There’s never a break with you.”
“That’s not true-”
“Of course it’s fucking true. David’s the first thing you think about and the first person you mention, and I’m sick of it! Why do you even pretend to be my friend?”
“How can you say that?” Timo asks in disbelief. “I’m not your friend but I let you inside at weird hours of the day. I’m not your friend but I worry about you spending all your time with potheads and lowlifes who only want to use you-”
“Mäx isn’t using me! We’re dating, you idiot!”
Timo sneers.
“He’s using you. He wants to turn you into a stoner just like him. And, anyways, how come you can’t tell me when you’re obsessing over some guy I’ve never met? How come I have to find out from someone else that you’re head over heels for Juri? That’s shit, Jan.”
Jan stills, his heart stopping as his eyes widen in fear.
“Who told you about Juri?” he asks softly, his voice cool and deadly calm. Timo’s cheek twitches and he looks suddenly nervous under Jan’s frightening gaze.
“Someone on the crew team,” he says, his voice uneven.
“Who?” Jan asks. “Are you following me, checking up on all my other friends, asking everyone you can about me?”
“No, it’s not like that,” Timo says, raising his hands to guard himself. Jan stands up, using the sudden height difference to his advantage. Timo does not seem nearly as tall now that Jan is standing up.
“Then what’s it like?” Jan hisses.
“I’m just worried about you, alright?” Timo yells. “You’re changing so fast and you’re becoming someone I don’t recognize. The Jan I know didn’t do drugs and he certainly didn’t go out to parties without telling anyone. You realize your mom called me twice tonight asking where you were? I had to tell her I didn’t know because you sure as hell didn’t tell me. Since you joined this crew team, you’ve been getting farther and farther away. All you ever talk about anymore is crew and rowing.”
“Why should I tell you where I go?” Jan counters. “All you care about is David. You don’t care about me.”
“Yes, I do, Jan! That’s what I’m trying to tell you. It’s you who’s pushing me away not me.”
“Because you only ever talk about David! You spend every waking moment with him and when you two’re apart it’s David, David, David!”
“Did you ever think maybe I hang out with him because he actually treats me like a human being?” Timo says, his voice losing its volume. “He doesn’t make me feel like shit. He doesn’t say things that make me feel like an idiot because I can’t even begin to understand them. David doesn’t make me feel like I’m worthless and stupid like you do. He actually likes my music and he helps me when I have problems and he encourages my ideas. You always think of something better or tell me that my lyrics are stupid or that I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Jesus Christ, Jan, I’ve known David since we were little kids. I’ve had a lot longer to get to know him. Sometimes I do talk about him more than I should but it’s because I want to include you in what we do. But you just don’t care.
Music’s stopped being important to you but it hasn’t changed for me. Rapping and playing the guitar are two things I’m actually good at and, unlike you, David doesn’t try to upstage me. He doesn’t care that I’m not as good at him; he just wants me to keep trying. You just want to tell me I’m wrong and that nothing I do matters because there’s a better way of doing it.
You and David mess around with the software on his computer for hours. You never try to tell me what you’re doing so is it really all that hard to believe that I listen to David when he explains it to me?
Do you know how much it hurts David that you don’t like him, Jan? You’re so good at what you do and David wants so badly to be friends with you but you won’t let him in. You push him away, you stop listening to him when he’s talking. You’re off in your own little world anymore and no one can reach you.
So don’t tell me I don’t care, Jan, because I fucking do.”
Jan looks at Timo, stunned by his friend’s words. He sits back down on the couch and covers his eyes with his hands, too floored to say anything. Timo lets out a harsh, shaky breath and sits down next to him.
“I- I didn’t know you thought that,” Jan says, peering at Timo from the cracks in his hands.
“I didn’t really know either,” Timo admits, letting out a shaky laugh. “It just sort of came out.”
“Can you tell me this at least? Who told you about Juri?”
Timo smiles and flicks Jan in the neck with his thumb and forefinger.
“Some guy named Frank. He lives up the street from David. He’s a singer actually, a damn good one, too, from what I’ve heard. You know him?”
“Yeah, kind of.”
“Kind of?” Timo says. The nastiness is not fully gone from his voice but it is certainly not as plain to hear as it was before. Jan relaxes somewhat. “Kind of? Jan, from what Frank’s been telling David, it’s more than kind of. Frank rows in your boat and he sees you every day at practice. Your job-” Timo laughs. “Your job is to boss him around, right?”
Jan shrugs.
“Juri does those things, too. How do you know there’s any difference between them?” Jan says.
Timo looks aggrieved. Jan looks at him, not blinking. They stare at each other as though in contest until Jan finally looks away, blinking rapidly to clear his eyes.
“Why couldn’t you tell me about Juri?” Timo asks.
“I didn’t think you cared. I’ve got a crush on him. You don’t tell me about every little crush you have, Timo. I just, you know, didn’t say anything. It wasn’t going anywhere.”
“Uh, yeah, I do,” Timo says, an annoyed look crossing his face. He forces Jan to look at him, the little blonde desperate to look anywhere else. Timo finally grabs the back of his neck and brings their foreheads together. He stares at his second best friend in cooled anger, searching Jan’s sapphire-blue eyes for the answers he wants. Finding no answer in the depths of Jan’s irises- Timo does not truly expect to suddenly develop the ability to read eyes (was that a real ability? Timo did not know.)- Timo lets him go with a deep sigh. He turns and flings his arms out in exasperation. Jan stays rooted to the spot.
“Right,” Timo sighs. “Of course, you’re not going to tell me anything. Why would you?”
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