Merlin 3x01 [picspam recap]
I wasn't going to be making these anymore, I'll be completely honest with you. But the thing is... picspams are fun, recaps are fun, and picspam recaps are A LOT of fun! ♥
The only problem is they take a frelling long time to make, with the... you know, picspamming and recapping... But I always have a great time making them, so when Merlin came back I thought I might as well make another one... or two... or three... lol that depends on my patience and laziness, really.
I apologize in advance for the silly.
WARNING: not dial-up friendly. AT ALL! There are TONS of pics.
Merlin 3x01: The Tears of Uther Pendragon, part 1 [Picspam Recap]I really missed these! :D
I mean, mostly, I missed making fun of the Camelot guards and knights. Because that's the most fun I have watching these shows, and I'm not being sarcastic here. I just LOVE their epic FAIL at everything, they're awesome!
And originally, I wasn't going to picspam the first episode, I would go by episode 1 really fast and then move right along to episode 2, which was the episode I wanted to talk about in the first place. But as I started episode 1 I realized I had a lot to talk about... So... ermm... my bad?
This is the opening shot we have of this season. Heavy stuff! If this is to be any indication of what's to come, then we've got quite a dramatic season ahead of us.
Also, this means that Arthur is still insisting on his knights wearing red, even though everyone has already pointed out that this is not a very good idea. Particularly for sneaking-up operations. But I guess he still believes that fashionable clothes are more important than battle efficiency? He's got priorities, you know.
Gaius: Sire, I know you miss Morgana, but if I have to sit through another one of your renditions of "Somewhere out there", I'm going to kill myself.
Uther: I will not rest until Morgana is here to sing her part of the duet!
Gaius: How many more men are you willing to lose in this quest?
Uther: What, you want an actual number? I don't know... about a thousand more, I guess? I mean, we've been doing this alphabetically and we still have a lot of Joes and Johns to spare, we should be alright for a while.
Merlin: I really think I shouldn't have brought my red scarf today.
Arthur: Oh, Merlin! Stop whining! Look, Sir Jeffrey here is wearing red and he's alright. Aren't you, Jeff?
Sir Jeffrey: Sure am!
Arthur: And you, Sir Jonas?
Sir Jonas: Never better, my lord!
Merlin: Tell me, then, Sir Jonas, do you know what happened to Sir Bob? And Sir Calvin? And Sir Dennis?
Sir Jonas: I... was told they've been taken to a farm.
Merlin: That's a lie! They're all d---
Arthur: LOOK! SOMETHING SUSPICIOUS!!! *POINTS*
Merlin: Oh no! It's a trap! What should we do?
Arthur: The only thing to do when encountering a trap: walk right into it without a care in the world. It's the last thing they'll expect us to do!
Merlin: Wow, brilliant! There is no way this plan won't work!
Arthur: *starts making strange hand gestures*
Sir Jeffrey: What are you doing, my lord?
Sir Jonas: Oh! Oh! Charades! I love those! Two words?
Sir Jeffrey: No, I think he's making a little bunny with his fingers.
Sir Jonas: No, no, he's trying to communicate with us, I know it!
Sir Jeffrey: You know you can just speak to us, sire? We're right here!
Sir Jonas: Oh, look! Now he's pointing at Jimmy.
Sir Jimmy: WHAT?! ME?! I didn't do anything!
Arthur: DAMMIT, THAT MEANS YOU TWO GO THAT WAY AND YOU GO THAT OTHER WAY! IS IT REALLY THAT HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND???
Sir Jeffrey: ... You could have just said so.
Merlin: Ok, now I see how this plain may not work...
OH! How I missed making fun of these guys!!! :D Knights of Camelot = LOVE!!!
Bad guys attack the good guys! Which means bye bye, Sir Jeffrey. Poor lad... I was growing fond of him! Also, poor Sir Jonas, who has now lost his BFF. :( It's sad!
And at the other side of the battle, Merlin isn't even trying to hide his magic anymore. I mean, sure! Who is ever going to suspect a sword that has turned into a giant magnet all of a sudden? Or a lance that gets thrown out of thin air? No one, surely! *facepalm*
But lucky for Sir Jonas, Sir Jimmy and this bunch of red-capes, Arthur's with them, so they win. Series protagonists obviously have red-cape immunity.
and then...
Oh, I don't get why he's so surprised, it was in the trailers and everything.
Gaius: Hmmm... she seems to be crying.
Gwen: That might have something to do with you sticking your finger in her eye for the last hour or so.
Gaius: Oh, suddenly everyone's a doctor!
Merlin: Did you talk to her? Did she say anything about me? Does Uther know? Is he going to kill me? Are the guards standing outside the door right now, ready to take me to the chopping block? Am I going to die? I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE, GAIUS!!!
Gaius: JUST CHILL, FOR HEAVENS SAKE! SHE'S ASLEEP!
Merlin: Is she, now? Oh, good.
Merlin could definitely use a chill pill every once in a while, Gaius barely walked in and he was already all over the man with questions! Just relax! That is... until Morgana wakes up, because then you have every reason to be worried.
Morgana: Merlin, I want you to know that, even though you are a traitor and a bastart and you poisoned me and left me to die at the hands of an evil sorceress, I wouldn't hesitate to poison the hell out of your lying, two-face ass if our roles had been reversed. So... No hard feelings, eh? *smile*
Merlin: ... mommy...
Yes, Merlin! Morgana's playing nice, sweet and innocent. I'd run away really, really fast if I were you.
This scene here illustrates very well what I realized last season: they aren't even trying to give us excuses for getting Bradley shirtless anymore, they just go with it. It's like a quota they have to fill, Bradley has to be shirtless for at least 60% of his onscreen time. Expect at any moment Arthur walking in to a very important Knight meeting, wearing only his pants. Write it down, people! It's bound to happen any time now.
Also, this is the Merlin-and-Arthur-banter-and-then-Arthur-acts-like-an-ass scene of the episode. Poor, poor Merlin. But I suppose he's learned to go to his happy place at this point in these situations, haven't you, Merlin? Just go to your happy place!
(Also, just a fun fact: as I was picspamming this scene, my iTunes started playing "Hot stuff" by Donna Summer. How awesome is my iTunes? ♥)
Uther: MORGANA!!! Oh my god! I am so happy right now, I could sing!
Morgana: Oh, please don't, my lord!
Uther: Somewheeeeere ooout theeeeere, beneath the paaaa--
Morgana: Ermmm... OH MY! Is that Gaius I hear? I should be on my way. Good to see you! KTHNXBYE! *leaves with an evil grin*
Poor Uther. People say he's evil and all, but the moment he decides to be all sweet and lovely, people don't appreciate him. Bloody typical!
Still, Uther and Morgana's reunion wasn't really the highlight of this scene, noooooo! Because LOOK! On that second cap right there! THAT'S SIR LEON!!!!! \o/ The dude surived the Second Great Red-Cape Massacre! The first obviously being Morgause's first episode... I think... I haven't really been keeping track of these things... Still, ATTA BOY!!!! :D
(And just so I can start keeping track of these things, Morgana's Evil Grin count: 01)
Next thing we know, Morgana is evily leaving the castle and evily galloping in slow motion to Morgause's evil hiding place and then plotting evil plots with her evil sister to do evil to Uther and Camelot. In a very evil fashion.
But here's something that just won't leave my mind: does Morgana really think that just by having her hood on she'll go by unnoticed? I mean, seriously! She's wearing a flowing purple dress, all fancy and stuff, and she's not even hiding, she's just walking down the street. How thick is everyone in the whole castle for not noticing her? Especially those damn guards! Why do they even have those guards???
Also, whatever it is that is in Morgause's caldron and is supposed to look all disgusting and stuff, for me it looks like melting chocolate and now I've got a craving. Damn my diet! Thanks for nothing, show!
(Morgana's Evil Grin count: 05)
Then Morgana places the chocolate-covered root thingy under Uther's bed... I'm guessing because she knows the servants never clean under there? (Ewww)
OK, I think I finally get why the Knights of Camelot are so useless: Arthur obviously spends his whole time training himself instead of training his knights. I mean, sure, we get it, he's very good. We got that already! Now how about those other guys watching? They're not doing anything! They're just waiting for their turn to get their asses kicked, evidently. I mean, take Sir Jonas, for instance! When will he get the chance to train so that he can avenge his BFF's death? (lol I'm clearly taking this too seriously! I might as well write fic for them next :P)
Also, once again Merlin is using magic out in the open, for everyone to see. When will he learn? *facepalm*
Still, he uses magic to get back at Arthur (after checking him out, I guess? Seriously, what IS he looking at in that fourth cap??), and that's gotta count for something, right? ;)
drunk!Uther: ... so I turned to this guy and said "Ya look like the luv kid of a troll and a fat, ugly goblin" and and and it's funny, 'cause it wasn't even a guy, it was me MUM! *LOL*
Arthur: Best. Feast. EVAH!
drunk!Uther: HAHAHAHA OK, so what was I saying? OH yeah, Camelot's great and shit... And Alice--
Arthur: *ahem* Arthur.
drunk!Uther: Whatevs! *BURP* Sorry. But yea, you've always been like a son to me.
Arthur: I am your so--
drunk!Uther: Not a natural son, of course. More like an illegitimate backstairs sprog who no one really likes... but still, fruit of my overproductive loins.
Arthur: Oh, for heaven's sake!
drunk!Uther: And ummm... Yeah, Morgan... Morganana... Crap, you right there! You're like, so important to me. I love you and stuff. For serious. I love you more... even more than Andrew!
Arthur: Arthur!
drunk!Uther: Yea, him! He's all useless and stuff. But you aren't... you're like... so pretty! Not like Armand, though, he's fugly.
Arthur: ARTHUR, DAD!
drunk!Uther: WHAT-EVER! So now, if you'll excuse me, I have to throw up. *leaves*
(Morgana's Evil Grin count: 06)
So after about an hour of wandering around the corridors and vomiting all over the floor, Uther finally finds the door and gets some fresh air... and then witnesses one of the creepiest scenes in this show! TPTB has seriously turned on the scare factor this season, haven't they? Still, Lady in the Well isn't as scary as Pale Wet Kid. But I'm getting ahead of myself here.
Arthur: Yeah, you go ahead and stay alone with him, then, since you're his favorite child and all.
Morgana: You're just jealous.
Arthur: Am not! You... You... YOU'RE FUGLY! *storms off*
(Morgana's Evil Grin count: 07)
Gaius then gives Arthur the bad news that Uther might, in fact, be going crazy. I mean, more than he already was. Which was a lot! Needless to say, Arthur gets really worried. And if you think about it, last time Uther went crazy he married a troll, so Arthur's got every reason to be worried.
Morgana leaves once more to evily meet with his evil sister, talk about their evil plots and drop another evil root inside the chocolate-filled caldron of evil. Mwa ha ha.
(Morgana's Evil Grin count: 09)
AHA! Finally, someone noticed Morgana going in and out of the castle! But then again, this time she was wearing her bright-red dress, what the hell did she expect? Maybe now you'll learn to be a little more discreet, woman!
And finally one knight decides to do his job and how is he rewarded? He gets killed! You see, Arthur, if you had spent more time actually training him, none of this would have happened! Let this be a lesson to everyone.
(Morgana's Evil Grin count: 10)
Will someone explain to me when exactly did Morgana stop caring about Gwen?? Because I seriously don't get it! They've always been the best of friends, they've protected each other in more than one occasion, they've always been together... And then all of a sudden it's like none of that has ever happened??? I feel like I'm missing something here.
I get that Morgana's mad at Uther and Merlin, that much I understand, but Gwen?! WTF, show???
Not all that far away from Camelot, Morgause is strolling evily into some evil king's castle of evil to carry on with her and Morgana's evil plans, and then-- Now wait a second! IS THAT TOM??? That's Tom, isn't it? Martha's ex from Doctor Who. That's him, isn't it? Hai there, Tom!!! *waves*
But he's all evil now. Obviously. He kind of looks like an evil Lancelot, doesn't he? But anyway.
Morgause and Cenred discuss... well, something about Uther and the fall of Camelot... or something evil like that, I was too busy staring at their pretty faces to actually pay attention to what they were saying. Honestly, am I the only one who's starting to 'ship Cenred/Morgause? Just look at them! They make a good couple! And the eye!sex is obviously there already. Besides, I just LOVE how the writers spare no double entendres when writing their dialogue! Anything they say is filled with double meaning, it's awesome. Plus, they're really pretty. So yeah, I love them already. :)
Uther's Crazy Time, The Second! aka cue Pale Wet Kid!
HOW CREEPY IS THIS KID???? He's even creepier than Mordred, and that's saying something!
And apparently, they're trying to protect Sir Leon by dressing him in brown rather than red? Very good decision, Arthur! Now if you could get another hundred of those or so, you'd have your knights protected and maybe they'd finally be able to actually win a battle!
(Morgana's Evil Grin count: 11)
Merlin: Gaius, do you think this could be...*dramatic pause* MAGIC? *DUN DUN DUUUUNNN*
Gaius: Magic?!
Merlin: Yes, MAGIC! *DUN DUN DUUUUNNN*
Gaius: Don't be ridiculous, my boy! When is it ever magic?
Merlin: Well--
Gaius: Besides, it's not like someone who we know possess magic and has a past history of hating Uther and trying to murder him is back after a long year of absence that was spent in the company of a known evil sorceress, and is now strolling up and down the castle with an evil smirk in her eye, is it?
Merlin: Actually--
Gaius: Didn't think so. Now come!
Gaius: So he's really dead, then?
Sir Leon: Yup, really dead.
Random Knight: I'm not dead.
Gaius: What?
Sir Leon: Nothing. Moving right along.
Random Knight: I'm not dead.
Gaius: He says he's not dead.
Sir Leon: Yes, he is.
Random Knight: I'm not.
Gaius: He isn't.
Sir Leon: Well, he will be soon, he's taken a fatal blow.
Random Knight: I'm getting better.
Sir Leon: No, you're not! You'll be stone dead in a moment. Can't you do me a favor here, Gaius? I mean, none of the knights actually likes him, we all took a whole day to even notice he was gone!
Random Knight: I feel fine.
Gaius: Well... maybe if I leave him alone in my quarters, unattended, whoever tried to kill him earlier will come back and finish the job. That's how it always happens around here anyway, isn't it?
Sir Leon: Oh, would you really do that for me? Awesome! Thanks, Gaius!
Random Knight: I feel happy! I feel happy!
Sir Leon: SHUT UP!
*later on*
Merlin: Gaius?
Gaius: Blimey! It actually worked.
Here's something that I don't get: if the chocolate-covered root thingy is place right underneath Uther, how can it be dripping to the side of his bed? HOW? It's dripping miles away from where the actual root is! How is that possible?
... Unless of course Uther has a secret stash of melting chocolate that he's not telling anyone about. Hmmm... GOTCHA!
Don't Uther's servants EVER clean under his bed? That's disgusting! I wonder what Merlin might find under there. Actually, no, it's best if we don't really go there... So ummm... Yeah, Merlin finally finds out that Morgana is the one behind Uther's craziness. Took him long enough to figure it out, didn't it? But kudos for getting there eventually, kid!
I won't lie, I immediately thought of THIS during this scene and I'm not sorry for it! I can't be the only one, though. I imagine Kronk is what Merlin would be like if he ever tried going to the dark side. Come on! Admit it, you thought of it too. :P
(... and I guess that means Gaius would be Yzma? Crap. I have the creepiest mental picture in my head now!)
Morgause: I feel underdressed.
Morgana: Dearest sister, don't you know that one must always look fabulous when plotting evil plots?
Merlin: *chanting to self* If I can't see them, they can't see me. If I can't see them, they can't see me. If I can't see them, they can't--
Morgana: That doesn't work if you say it out loud, you know.
Merlin: Crap. There's always a catch. RUNAWAAAAAY!!!!! *runs and is obviously captured*
(Morgana's Evil Grin count: 15)
Gaius: My lord, you've been staring at this piece of paper for the last two hours.
Arthur: I know, I know... I'm just trying to figure out what this is.
Gaius: That's a quill, my lord.
Arthur: Is it? Oh good. *pause* And what's that for?
Gaius: You... write your name with it.
Arthur: My name?! Damn, I wish my father was here. This kingly stuff is all so very difficult!
Next thing Merlin knows, he wakes up in the middle of the forest, in chains, facing Morgause. And before he starts wondering if this is one of his dreams coming true, he notices the two big dudes wearing black hoods standing behind him. Unless of course they're also part of his dream? Who knows what goes on in that kid's head!
Also, as usual in these situations, Merlin's magic is totally useless. No surprises there. Murphy has taught us that if things can get worse, they WILL get worse! What surprises me is knowing that Murphy's laws already existed around that time. Who would have guessed?
Murphy: as old as time itself!
OH HAI THERE, GWEN!!! Do you come here often? Apparently not, huh?
How sad is it that even Sir Leon has more screentime in this episode than poor Gwen? That's so not fair, TPTB!
(Morgana's Evil Grin count: 16)
AH! Look who it is! It's our friendly neighbors, the Giant Man-Eating Scorpions that we met last season. Awww look at how they've grown! Oh, the flora and fauna of Camelot! Giant Man-Eating Scorpions, Giant Baby Rats! I love how we never get any explanation on them, they just... exist. But then again with dragons and unicorns, I'm guessing that's expected?
Awww, this is such a sweet little scene! :D For Arthur, I mean, not Morgana. I feel about Arthur/Morgana the same way I feel about Gwen/Morgana. She's clearly faking here, but at the same time I don't think she should be, 'cause she always cared for Arthur, and then all of a sudden she doesn't anymore? That doesn't seem right at all! It takes away a bit from the scene when Arthur is sad and showing emotion, and instead of supporting him, it's as if Morgana's thinking "OH, shut up you big sissy!"... or at least that's how I feel. They went too fast with her turning evil. Maybe if we have an episode devoted to that year we missed, things will make a bit more sense?
(Morgana's Evil Grin count: 18)
Back to Merlin's Happy as Happy Can Be Situation, one of the Giant Man-Eating Scorpions strikes him and only then he decides it's probably a good idea to use his magic on THEM and not the freaking chain like he's been doing forever even though it's only making matters worse. Honestly, the guy uses magic to get back at Arthur, but not against Giant Man-Eating Scorpions? What's wrong with this kid? You're supposed to be smart, you know!
Well, he does call for the dragon, though. That gives him a few wisdom points back, I suppose. ;)
Cut for massive CGI shot of TomCenred's Massive Army of Evil! Notice how none of them is wearing red. That's some clever battle planning right there! This guy knows how to win wars, people. Watch out for him.
I'm also surprised they're bringing out a Massive Army already on episode 1! Usually, Massive Armies only come around in season finales... But then again, this is the finaliest (yup, it's totally a word) season opener I've ever seen!
And then we cut back to Merlin and... IT'S ALREADY NIGHT!?!? How is that even possible??? It was morning not 5 scenes ago, Merlin is still in the same position as before, and so are the Giant Man-Eating Scorpions! Either those are the slowest Giant Man-Eating Scorpions in existence, or each day in Camelot lasts about 2 hours or so.
Also, that means that it's now been a whole day since Merlin left Camelot, and other than Gaius wondering where Merlin was, no one has even asked or wondered about him. But we know from next episode that Arthur can't do squat without Merlin, so either he spent his whole day crying by his father's bed, or the writers have made a tiny mistake here. Probably the latter.
Well anyway, the dragon finally arrives. Not that it matters, since I'm starting to wonder whether the Giant Man-Eating Scorpions are actually evil... They didn't attack Merlin or anything, they just stood there for a whole day, watching over him. Maybe that one Giant Man-Eating Scorpion who struck Merlin was trying to help and was actually aiming for the chain but missed it by a few inches. It's a honest mistake! But look how they stayed close to him all day and kept all other evil beasties away while he's incapacitated. How very nice of them to do that!
Then of course the dragon comes in and toasts them, picks Merlin up and flies away with him into the night.
HE DIDN'T EVEN GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN THEMSELVES! Typical! Bloody typical.
TO BE CONTINUED...
The only problem is they take a frelling long time to make, with the... you know, picspamming and recapping... But I always have a great time making them, so when Merlin came back I thought I might as well make another one... or two... or three... lol that depends on my patience and laziness, really.
I apologize in advance for the silly.
WARNING: not dial-up friendly. AT ALL! There are TONS of pics.
Merlin 3x01: The Tears of Uther Pendragon, part 1 [Picspam Recap]I really missed these! :D
I mean, mostly, I missed making fun of the Camelot guards and knights. Because that's the most fun I have watching these shows, and I'm not being sarcastic here. I just LOVE their epic FAIL at everything, they're awesome!
And originally, I wasn't going to picspam the first episode, I would go by episode 1 really fast and then move right along to episode 2, which was the episode I wanted to talk about in the first place. But as I started episode 1 I realized I had a lot to talk about... So... ermm... my bad?
This is the opening shot we have of this season. Heavy stuff! If this is to be any indication of what's to come, then we've got quite a dramatic season ahead of us.
Also, this means that Arthur is still insisting on his knights wearing red, even though everyone has already pointed out that this is not a very good idea. Particularly for sneaking-up operations. But I guess he still believes that fashionable clothes are more important than battle efficiency? He's got priorities, you know.
Gaius: Sire, I know you miss Morgana, but if I have to sit through another one of your renditions of "Somewhere out there", I'm going to kill myself.
Uther: I will not rest until Morgana is here to sing her part of the duet!
Gaius: How many more men are you willing to lose in this quest?
Uther: What, you want an actual number? I don't know... about a thousand more, I guess? I mean, we've been doing this alphabetically and we still have a lot of Joes and Johns to spare, we should be alright for a while.
Merlin: I really think I shouldn't have brought my red scarf today.
Arthur: Oh, Merlin! Stop whining! Look, Sir Jeffrey here is wearing red and he's alright. Aren't you, Jeff?
Sir Jeffrey: Sure am!
Arthur: And you, Sir Jonas?
Sir Jonas: Never better, my lord!
Merlin: Tell me, then, Sir Jonas, do you know what happened to Sir Bob? And Sir Calvin? And Sir Dennis?
Sir Jonas: I... was told they've been taken to a farm.
Merlin: That's a lie! They're all d---
Arthur: LOOK! SOMETHING SUSPICIOUS!!! *POINTS*
Merlin: Oh no! It's a trap! What should we do?
Arthur: The only thing to do when encountering a trap: walk right into it without a care in the world. It's the last thing they'll expect us to do!
Merlin: Wow, brilliant! There is no way this plan won't work!
Arthur: *starts making strange hand gestures*
Sir Jeffrey: What are you doing, my lord?
Sir Jonas: Oh! Oh! Charades! I love those! Two words?
Sir Jeffrey: No, I think he's making a little bunny with his fingers.
Sir Jonas: No, no, he's trying to communicate with us, I know it!
Sir Jeffrey: You know you can just speak to us, sire? We're right here!
Sir Jonas: Oh, look! Now he's pointing at Jimmy.
Sir Jimmy: WHAT?! ME?! I didn't do anything!
Arthur: DAMMIT, THAT MEANS YOU TWO GO THAT WAY AND YOU GO THAT OTHER WAY! IS IT REALLY THAT HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND???
Sir Jeffrey: ... You could have just said so.
Merlin: Ok, now I see how this plain may not work...
OH! How I missed making fun of these guys!!! :D Knights of Camelot = LOVE!!!
Bad guys attack the good guys! Which means bye bye, Sir Jeffrey. Poor lad... I was growing fond of him! Also, poor Sir Jonas, who has now lost his BFF. :( It's sad!
And at the other side of the battle, Merlin isn't even trying to hide his magic anymore. I mean, sure! Who is ever going to suspect a sword that has turned into a giant magnet all of a sudden? Or a lance that gets thrown out of thin air? No one, surely! *facepalm*
But lucky for Sir Jonas, Sir Jimmy and this bunch of red-capes, Arthur's with them, so they win. Series protagonists obviously have red-cape immunity.
and then...
Oh, I don't get why he's so surprised, it was in the trailers and everything.
Gaius: Hmmm... she seems to be crying.
Gwen: That might have something to do with you sticking your finger in her eye for the last hour or so.
Gaius: Oh, suddenly everyone's a doctor!
Merlin: Did you talk to her? Did she say anything about me? Does Uther know? Is he going to kill me? Are the guards standing outside the door right now, ready to take me to the chopping block? Am I going to die? I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE, GAIUS!!!
Gaius: JUST CHILL, FOR HEAVENS SAKE! SHE'S ASLEEP!
Merlin: Is she, now? Oh, good.
Merlin could definitely use a chill pill every once in a while, Gaius barely walked in and he was already all over the man with questions! Just relax! That is... until Morgana wakes up, because then you have every reason to be worried.
Morgana: Merlin, I want you to know that, even though you are a traitor and a bastart and you poisoned me and left me to die at the hands of an evil sorceress, I wouldn't hesitate to poison the hell out of your lying, two-face ass if our roles had been reversed. So... No hard feelings, eh? *smile*
Merlin: ... mommy...
Yes, Merlin! Morgana's playing nice, sweet and innocent. I'd run away really, really fast if I were you.
This scene here illustrates very well what I realized last season: they aren't even trying to give us excuses for getting Bradley shirtless anymore, they just go with it. It's like a quota they have to fill, Bradley has to be shirtless for at least 60% of his onscreen time. Expect at any moment Arthur walking in to a very important Knight meeting, wearing only his pants. Write it down, people! It's bound to happen any time now.
Also, this is the Merlin-and-Arthur-banter-and-then-Arthur-acts-like-an-ass scene of the episode. Poor, poor Merlin. But I suppose he's learned to go to his happy place at this point in these situations, haven't you, Merlin? Just go to your happy place!
(Also, just a fun fact: as I was picspamming this scene, my iTunes started playing "Hot stuff" by Donna Summer. How awesome is my iTunes? ♥)
Uther: MORGANA!!! Oh my god! I am so happy right now, I could sing!
Morgana: Oh, please don't, my lord!
Uther: Somewheeeeere ooout theeeeere, beneath the paaaa--
Morgana: Ermmm... OH MY! Is that Gaius I hear? I should be on my way. Good to see you! KTHNXBYE! *leaves with an evil grin*
Poor Uther. People say he's evil and all, but the moment he decides to be all sweet and lovely, people don't appreciate him. Bloody typical!
Still, Uther and Morgana's reunion wasn't really the highlight of this scene, noooooo! Because LOOK! On that second cap right there! THAT'S SIR LEON!!!!! \o/ The dude surived the Second Great Red-Cape Massacre! The first obviously being Morgause's first episode... I think... I haven't really been keeping track of these things... Still, ATTA BOY!!!! :D
(And just so I can start keeping track of these things, Morgana's Evil Grin count: 01)
Next thing we know, Morgana is evily leaving the castle and evily galloping in slow motion to Morgause's evil hiding place and then plotting evil plots with her evil sister to do evil to Uther and Camelot. In a very evil fashion.
But here's something that just won't leave my mind: does Morgana really think that just by having her hood on she'll go by unnoticed? I mean, seriously! She's wearing a flowing purple dress, all fancy and stuff, and she's not even hiding, she's just walking down the street. How thick is everyone in the whole castle for not noticing her? Especially those damn guards! Why do they even have those guards???
Also, whatever it is that is in Morgause's caldron and is supposed to look all disgusting and stuff, for me it looks like melting chocolate and now I've got a craving. Damn my diet! Thanks for nothing, show!
(Morgana's Evil Grin count: 05)
Then Morgana places the chocolate-covered root thingy under Uther's bed... I'm guessing because she knows the servants never clean under there? (Ewww)
OK, I think I finally get why the Knights of Camelot are so useless: Arthur obviously spends his whole time training himself instead of training his knights. I mean, sure, we get it, he's very good. We got that already! Now how about those other guys watching? They're not doing anything! They're just waiting for their turn to get their asses kicked, evidently. I mean, take Sir Jonas, for instance! When will he get the chance to train so that he can avenge his BFF's death? (lol I'm clearly taking this too seriously! I might as well write fic for them next :P)
Also, once again Merlin is using magic out in the open, for everyone to see. When will he learn? *facepalm*
Still, he uses magic to get back at Arthur (after checking him out, I guess? Seriously, what IS he looking at in that fourth cap??), and that's gotta count for something, right? ;)
drunk!Uther: ... so I turned to this guy and said "Ya look like the luv kid of a troll and a fat, ugly goblin" and and and it's funny, 'cause it wasn't even a guy, it was me MUM! *LOL*
Arthur: Best. Feast. EVAH!
drunk!Uther: HAHAHAHA OK, so what was I saying? OH yeah, Camelot's great and shit... And Alice--
Arthur: *ahem* Arthur.
drunk!Uther: Whatevs! *BURP* Sorry. But yea, you've always been like a son to me.
Arthur: I am your so--
drunk!Uther: Not a natural son, of course. More like an illegitimate backstairs sprog who no one really likes... but still, fruit of my overproductive loins.
Arthur: Oh, for heaven's sake!
drunk!Uther: And ummm... Yeah, Morgan... Morganana... Crap, you right there! You're like, so important to me. I love you and stuff. For serious. I love you more... even more than Andrew!
Arthur: Arthur!
drunk!Uther: Yea, him! He's all useless and stuff. But you aren't... you're like... so pretty! Not like Armand, though, he's fugly.
Arthur: ARTHUR, DAD!
drunk!Uther: WHAT-EVER! So now, if you'll excuse me, I have to throw up. *leaves*
(Morgana's Evil Grin count: 06)
So after about an hour of wandering around the corridors and vomiting all over the floor, Uther finally finds the door and gets some fresh air... and then witnesses one of the creepiest scenes in this show! TPTB has seriously turned on the scare factor this season, haven't they? Still, Lady in the Well isn't as scary as Pale Wet Kid. But I'm getting ahead of myself here.
Arthur: Yeah, you go ahead and stay alone with him, then, since you're his favorite child and all.
Morgana: You're just jealous.
Arthur: Am not! You... You... YOU'RE FUGLY! *storms off*
(Morgana's Evil Grin count: 07)
Gaius then gives Arthur the bad news that Uther might, in fact, be going crazy. I mean, more than he already was. Which was a lot! Needless to say, Arthur gets really worried. And if you think about it, last time Uther went crazy he married a troll, so Arthur's got every reason to be worried.
Morgana leaves once more to evily meet with his evil sister, talk about their evil plots and drop another evil root inside the chocolate-filled caldron of evil. Mwa ha ha.
(Morgana's Evil Grin count: 09)
AHA! Finally, someone noticed Morgana going in and out of the castle! But then again, this time she was wearing her bright-red dress, what the hell did she expect? Maybe now you'll learn to be a little more discreet, woman!
And finally one knight decides to do his job and how is he rewarded? He gets killed! You see, Arthur, if you had spent more time actually training him, none of this would have happened! Let this be a lesson to everyone.
(Morgana's Evil Grin count: 10)
Will someone explain to me when exactly did Morgana stop caring about Gwen?? Because I seriously don't get it! They've always been the best of friends, they've protected each other in more than one occasion, they've always been together... And then all of a sudden it's like none of that has ever happened??? I feel like I'm missing something here.
I get that Morgana's mad at Uther and Merlin, that much I understand, but Gwen?! WTF, show???
Not all that far away from Camelot, Morgause is strolling evily into some evil king's castle of evil to carry on with her and Morgana's evil plans, and then-- Now wait a second! IS THAT TOM??? That's Tom, isn't it? Martha's ex from Doctor Who. That's him, isn't it? Hai there, Tom!!! *waves*
But he's all evil now. Obviously. He kind of looks like an evil Lancelot, doesn't he? But anyway.
Morgause and Cenred discuss... well, something about Uther and the fall of Camelot... or something evil like that, I was too busy staring at their pretty faces to actually pay attention to what they were saying. Honestly, am I the only one who's starting to 'ship Cenred/Morgause? Just look at them! They make a good couple! And the eye!sex is obviously there already. Besides, I just LOVE how the writers spare no double entendres when writing their dialogue! Anything they say is filled with double meaning, it's awesome. Plus, they're really pretty. So yeah, I love them already. :)
Uther's Crazy Time, The Second! aka cue Pale Wet Kid!
HOW CREEPY IS THIS KID???? He's even creepier than Mordred, and that's saying something!
And apparently, they're trying to protect Sir Leon by dressing him in brown rather than red? Very good decision, Arthur! Now if you could get another hundred of those or so, you'd have your knights protected and maybe they'd finally be able to actually win a battle!
(Morgana's Evil Grin count: 11)
Merlin: Gaius, do you think this could be...*dramatic pause* MAGIC? *DUN DUN DUUUUNNN*
Gaius: Magic?!
Merlin: Yes, MAGIC! *DUN DUN DUUUUNNN*
Gaius: Don't be ridiculous, my boy! When is it ever magic?
Merlin: Well--
Gaius: Besides, it's not like someone who we know possess magic and has a past history of hating Uther and trying to murder him is back after a long year of absence that was spent in the company of a known evil sorceress, and is now strolling up and down the castle with an evil smirk in her eye, is it?
Merlin: Actually--
Gaius: Didn't think so. Now come!
Gaius: So he's really dead, then?
Sir Leon: Yup, really dead.
Random Knight: I'm not dead.
Gaius: What?
Sir Leon: Nothing. Moving right along.
Random Knight: I'm not dead.
Gaius: He says he's not dead.
Sir Leon: Yes, he is.
Random Knight: I'm not.
Gaius: He isn't.
Sir Leon: Well, he will be soon, he's taken a fatal blow.
Random Knight: I'm getting better.
Sir Leon: No, you're not! You'll be stone dead in a moment. Can't you do me a favor here, Gaius? I mean, none of the knights actually likes him, we all took a whole day to even notice he was gone!
Random Knight: I feel fine.
Gaius: Well... maybe if I leave him alone in my quarters, unattended, whoever tried to kill him earlier will come back and finish the job. That's how it always happens around here anyway, isn't it?
Sir Leon: Oh, would you really do that for me? Awesome! Thanks, Gaius!
Random Knight: I feel happy! I feel happy!
Sir Leon: SHUT UP!
*later on*
Merlin: Gaius?
Gaius: Blimey! It actually worked.
Here's something that I don't get: if the chocolate-covered root thingy is place right underneath Uther, how can it be dripping to the side of his bed? HOW? It's dripping miles away from where the actual root is! How is that possible?
... Unless of course Uther has a secret stash of melting chocolate that he's not telling anyone about. Hmmm... GOTCHA!
Don't Uther's servants EVER clean under his bed? That's disgusting! I wonder what Merlin might find under there. Actually, no, it's best if we don't really go there... So ummm... Yeah, Merlin finally finds out that Morgana is the one behind Uther's craziness. Took him long enough to figure it out, didn't it? But kudos for getting there eventually, kid!
I won't lie, I immediately thought of THIS during this scene and I'm not sorry for it! I can't be the only one, though. I imagine Kronk is what Merlin would be like if he ever tried going to the dark side. Come on! Admit it, you thought of it too. :P
(... and I guess that means Gaius would be Yzma? Crap. I have the creepiest mental picture in my head now!)
Morgause: I feel underdressed.
Morgana: Dearest sister, don't you know that one must always look fabulous when plotting evil plots?
Merlin: *chanting to self* If I can't see them, they can't see me. If I can't see them, they can't see me. If I can't see them, they can't--
Morgana: That doesn't work if you say it out loud, you know.
Merlin: Crap. There's always a catch. RUNAWAAAAAY!!!!! *runs and is obviously captured*
(Morgana's Evil Grin count: 15)
Gaius: My lord, you've been staring at this piece of paper for the last two hours.
Arthur: I know, I know... I'm just trying to figure out what this is.
Gaius: That's a quill, my lord.
Arthur: Is it? Oh good. *pause* And what's that for?
Gaius: You... write your name with it.
Arthur: My name?! Damn, I wish my father was here. This kingly stuff is all so very difficult!
Next thing Merlin knows, he wakes up in the middle of the forest, in chains, facing Morgause. And before he starts wondering if this is one of his dreams coming true, he notices the two big dudes wearing black hoods standing behind him. Unless of course they're also part of his dream? Who knows what goes on in that kid's head!
Also, as usual in these situations, Merlin's magic is totally useless. No surprises there. Murphy has taught us that if things can get worse, they WILL get worse! What surprises me is knowing that Murphy's laws already existed around that time. Who would have guessed?
Murphy: as old as time itself!
OH HAI THERE, GWEN!!! Do you come here often? Apparently not, huh?
How sad is it that even Sir Leon has more screentime in this episode than poor Gwen? That's so not fair, TPTB!
(Morgana's Evil Grin count: 16)
AH! Look who it is! It's our friendly neighbors, the Giant Man-Eating Scorpions that we met last season. Awww look at how they've grown! Oh, the flora and fauna of Camelot! Giant Man-Eating Scorpions, Giant Baby Rats! I love how we never get any explanation on them, they just... exist. But then again with dragons and unicorns, I'm guessing that's expected?
Awww, this is such a sweet little scene! :D For Arthur, I mean, not Morgana. I feel about Arthur/Morgana the same way I feel about Gwen/Morgana. She's clearly faking here, but at the same time I don't think she should be, 'cause she always cared for Arthur, and then all of a sudden she doesn't anymore? That doesn't seem right at all! It takes away a bit from the scene when Arthur is sad and showing emotion, and instead of supporting him, it's as if Morgana's thinking "OH, shut up you big sissy!"... or at least that's how I feel. They went too fast with her turning evil. Maybe if we have an episode devoted to that year we missed, things will make a bit more sense?
(Morgana's Evil Grin count: 18)
Back to Merlin's Happy as Happy Can Be Situation, one of the Giant Man-Eating Scorpions strikes him and only then he decides it's probably a good idea to use his magic on THEM and not the freaking chain like he's been doing forever even though it's only making matters worse. Honestly, the guy uses magic to get back at Arthur, but not against Giant Man-Eating Scorpions? What's wrong with this kid? You're supposed to be smart, you know!
Well, he does call for the dragon, though. That gives him a few wisdom points back, I suppose. ;)
Cut for massive CGI shot of TomCenred's Massive Army of Evil! Notice how none of them is wearing red. That's some clever battle planning right there! This guy knows how to win wars, people. Watch out for him.
I'm also surprised they're bringing out a Massive Army already on episode 1! Usually, Massive Armies only come around in season finales... But then again, this is the finaliest (yup, it's totally a word) season opener I've ever seen!
And then we cut back to Merlin and... IT'S ALREADY NIGHT!?!? How is that even possible??? It was morning not 5 scenes ago, Merlin is still in the same position as before, and so are the Giant Man-Eating Scorpions! Either those are the slowest Giant Man-Eating Scorpions in existence, or each day in Camelot lasts about 2 hours or so.
Also, that means that it's now been a whole day since Merlin left Camelot, and other than Gaius wondering where Merlin was, no one has even asked or wondered about him. But we know from next episode that Arthur can't do squat without Merlin, so either he spent his whole day crying by his father's bed, or the writers have made a tiny mistake here. Probably the latter.
Well anyway, the dragon finally arrives. Not that it matters, since I'm starting to wonder whether the Giant Man-Eating Scorpions are actually evil... They didn't attack Merlin or anything, they just stood there for a whole day, watching over him. Maybe that one Giant Man-Eating Scorpion who struck Merlin was trying to help and was actually aiming for the chain but missed it by a few inches. It's a honest mistake! But look how they stayed close to him all day and kept all other evil beasties away while he's incapacitated. How very nice of them to do that!
Then of course the dragon comes in and toasts them, picks Merlin up and flies away with him into the night.
HE DIDN'T EVEN GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN THEMSELVES! Typical! Bloody typical.
TO BE CONTINUED...