No Escaping, Vault of Coastal Sand!
So, I went to the beach today... well, yester-day, since it's now almost 1 a.m. on Tuesday...
The Good:
Well, how can the beach be bad? Asside from its annoying habit of drowing people (all of whom actually go swimming in it, as opposed to me that wades and only swims over areas where I can rest my feet on solid ground), the beach is always good, ain't it?
Well, there was crystal-clear water, very bright sun (I got there aroudn 1p, left around 4 or 5p), and not very many people. Partly because it was Kadooment Day, I suppose, so most people were somewhere enjoying the festival... but mostly because it was so freaking hot that you could probally fry a steak, and not just an egg, on a typical sidewalk.
This was all good and enjoyable.
The Bad:
Well, I ate just about 2 sandwhiches of peanut butter and jelly, or something like that, before leaving for the beach... and before that, I was sitting on my ass watching vids on YouTube. Meanwhile, my second PC, which I took apart to do the simple procedure of upgrading the CPU, then realized that I might benefit from a new case and a quieter CPU fan, and a KVM switch, and some rest and relaxation from all of this "hardcore technical" stuff, was (and still is) sitting idle, begging me for attention whilst I ignore it.
So, I was hungry, didn't stay for very long, wasted a lot of time, and generally feel unaccomplished.
Then I went and spent some time with my ex, which didn't really help to improve my mood much but overall it was probally good just for a little variety.
The Other Stuff:
What other stuff? Oh, yeah... I feel sorta stuck. But yet sorta like if I'm progressing. However, I wonder if this is really progressing or more like... denial.
See, I find I can make myself do things that I rationalize are right ior profitable to do, but, I don't "feel" any better during them, and in general, I don't feel much at all, anymore. The frustration is gone but there's no joy or accomplishment or happiness to replace it. There's a void which I assume is a form of numbness or disconnection.
Some sort of detachment is supposed to be good and a sign of maturity, and indeed, zen aims for zazen, a state of functional control combined with detachment which enables reason to over-ride preset habitual reaction (the total opposite of knee-jerk ior Pavolian reactions)... but, I think this detachment I have is mostly a "I can't win so why bother even dreaming" type of detachement... more of an admission of defeat.
See, but, I don't feel defeated... I don't feel much of anything, even as far as moment to moment physical sensations, positive ior negative... I feel a bit, but it is mostly as if I'm watching myself from behind a screen and saying "eh, that fire which is causing that pain could be a problem...let's move away from it" than I'm feeling pain and going "ouch".
Yeah, so, detachment - good, numbness - bad. Progressiveness - minor. Actually, I was enjoying my life a lot more a few months ago... so, I need to "move faster" in the personal development arena.
Ideally, I would work on that at times like this... or sort it out in my dreams and go to work more rested and self-aware. Hmmm... dreaming sound nice... so, l8r.
The Good:
Well, how can the beach be bad? Asside from its annoying habit of drowing people (all of whom actually go swimming in it, as opposed to me that wades and only swims over areas where I can rest my feet on solid ground), the beach is always good, ain't it?
Well, there was crystal-clear water, very bright sun (I got there aroudn 1p, left around 4 or 5p), and not very many people. Partly because it was Kadooment Day, I suppose, so most people were somewhere enjoying the festival... but mostly because it was so freaking hot that you could probally fry a steak, and not just an egg, on a typical sidewalk.
This was all good and enjoyable.
The Bad:
Well, I ate just about 2 sandwhiches of peanut butter and jelly, or something like that, before leaving for the beach... and before that, I was sitting on my ass watching vids on YouTube. Meanwhile, my second PC, which I took apart to do the simple procedure of upgrading the CPU, then realized that I might benefit from a new case and a quieter CPU fan, and a KVM switch, and some rest and relaxation from all of this "hardcore technical" stuff, was (and still is) sitting idle, begging me for attention whilst I ignore it.
So, I was hungry, didn't stay for very long, wasted a lot of time, and generally feel unaccomplished.
Then I went and spent some time with my ex, which didn't really help to improve my mood much but overall it was probally good just for a little variety.
The Other Stuff:
What other stuff? Oh, yeah... I feel sorta stuck. But yet sorta like if I'm progressing. However, I wonder if this is really progressing or more like... denial.
See, I find I can make myself do things that I rationalize are right ior profitable to do, but, I don't "feel" any better during them, and in general, I don't feel much at all, anymore. The frustration is gone but there's no joy or accomplishment or happiness to replace it. There's a void which I assume is a form of numbness or disconnection.
Some sort of detachment is supposed to be good and a sign of maturity, and indeed, zen aims for zazen, a state of functional control combined with detachment which enables reason to over-ride preset habitual reaction (the total opposite of knee-jerk ior Pavolian reactions)... but, I think this detachment I have is mostly a "I can't win so why bother even dreaming" type of detachement... more of an admission of defeat.
See, but, I don't feel defeated... I don't feel much of anything, even as far as moment to moment physical sensations, positive ior negative... I feel a bit, but it is mostly as if I'm watching myself from behind a screen and saying "eh, that fire which is causing that pain could be a problem...let's move away from it" than I'm feeling pain and going "ouch".
Yeah, so, detachment - good, numbness - bad. Progressiveness - minor. Actually, I was enjoying my life a lot more a few months ago... so, I need to "move faster" in the personal development arena.
Ideally, I would work on that at times like this... or sort it out in my dreams and go to work more rested and self-aware. Hmmm... dreaming sound nice... so, l8r.