Massive Update
It's been a long time. Perhaps a long, silent time. I don't know. Indianapolis is currently in the neighborhood of 45 degrees, tropical compared to how it's been. It's been a cold one this year, and even now, after a few days of warmth, some snow still clings stubbornly to neglected corners of parking lots.
A silent time isn't necessarily a bad time. I still had a visit from my little black dog this year, but it seems to be waning. Eh, it was never very bad anyway - I got off pretty light this year, but it DID make things a bit rough for a patch.
The Chef is somewhere right now, I'm guessing still close to Chicago, where she went to surprise her friend for her birthday. I was silently hoped she'd invite me along, though I'm not upset she didn't. A healthy relationship means some time apart, and besides, it frees me from having to deal with the acrobatics of her friends. They're a very nice married couple, but even when things are perfect those things can be hard for me to navigate. I've decided I'm going to lasso her into going to Chicago at some point once things warm up. This way I don't have to feel weird about it and I can still see all the things I've been dying to see.
The Chef is good. Last weekend, in a twilight hour, I told her I loved her. She said nothing and I didn't pursue it. She may not have heard me, but after saying something like that it seemed like the smart thing to do was to drop it for now. I can always revisit that. No point in forcing something, and I was thankful that if she DID hear me she spared me the awkward, "Well, I really like you too" conversation.
My younger nephew is now up on his feet! He just turned a year old and my brother walked out into the living room to see him standing tall all on his own. He looked at his Daddy and started walking to him. He got a few good steps in before he decided to plop on his butt to crawl the rest of the way, still his preferred mode of transportation. He didn't fall. He chose to plop. Good for him, I say: pretty soon my brother's life will get a whole lot crazier with TWO toddlers tearing around the place looking for mischief. Poetic justice certainly!
The situation at work seems to be okay enough, though I was bolstered by the news that my productivity score for the quarter was TWICE what it usually is for a first-quarter starter. I was stressed out about that even though I hate myself for it. It's not about the money anyway - never was - but one thing I don't need is to be called into the office and be leaned on. Glad that didn't happen. The job market has tanked in a way that makes older people shudder, but I'm closing in on three different placements so I'm hoping one of them will pan out.
What else? The gym! No music, no paintings, no art at all, but lots of gym. I am most definitely stronger than the last time I wrote. I think too that I'm being much smarter about it than last go-around: I've been focusing on core work and "posterior chain" stuff (think butt, lower back, hamstrings). These are muscles you can't actually see, but they seem to be the ones that need fixing. I no longer have knee pain at all. AT ALL. And my back feels much more stable, not as wonky as before. My deadlift numbers have shot up like a rocket. I feel much more solid. And hungry!
I took the enthusiasm I had for this the first go-around and put all my discipline into NOT working out, actually. In resting completely before heading back, not working through soreness like last time. It shows, too - my numbers are increasing MUCH slower than last time, but my joints are MUCH happier.
It's been a very good strategy for dealing with the winter. Feeling like a slightly-sore slab of meat really chases away the intellectual tangles of my seasonal visitor. The serotonin boost has been very helpful. I eat with relish, sleep like a rock (mostly), and fuck like a jackhammer.
I think that's the main reason for the silence. I've discovered that I always fall somewhere between two poles: mind and body. Sometimes I'm just a brain and out pours all the artsy stuff, but at times I'm just a body, just biology, and there isn't much thinking to do about it, at least not beyond the basic neuronal firings that keep images constant and my heart beating.
It also occurs to me that this is the next place where I'd like to find balance. I'd like to be both for most of the year, and to have isolated pockets where I'm standing in one of the corners. Balance used to mean keeping my partying in line with my working, sleeping enough, paying my bills on time, but now it seems that I've moved to the next stage, a more global endeavor, a fulcrum where on one side is my meat and on the other are my nerves and hopes and dreams. I figure if I can peg that I'll be as human as can be in this world.
More happenings: I'm having a hard time remembering when I last spoke to my mother. To tell you the truth I can't remember when I last wrote down anything about her. What brought this about is very complex, but the short version is that she got to my aunt somehow and frightened her to the point of tears. I folded my cards and decided to flip the table on it. I took one of the heavy oak chairs and made an escape route through the plate glass window to my immediate right. Moratorium time. I will revisit that on the first of April, when winter has most definitely passed. It will be the single longest bout of silence we've ever had, but my silence is my only strength in dealing with her at the moment.
In short time I'll be boarding a plane for, of all places, North Carolina. A three-day weekend. My cousin is getting married to some nice guy she met and apparently hit it off with. It will be my first trip in two years. My family basically rallied around me and paid for everything. They want me there. To tell you the truth I want to be there too, but I couldn't do it on my own. There's not much arguing with money - it's either there or it isn't, you know? I'm still paying down debt, money that would otherwise just be mine.
Their reason? There are few times when we can all get together. Weddings are about the ONLY way, save for funerals which are hopefully a while in coming. So I swallowed my pride and bellied up to the bar. Some things are more important than flashes of pride. It should be a great deal of fun, especially since my other cousin's babies and my nephews will be there, and because I really do love that half of my family, and because it'll be nice to see my cousin married off, a girl I was very close with once upon a time.
I'm also really hoping I can take a vacation home this summer. That's my plan anyway. What I'll do once there I haven't the foggiest. Maybe some misbehaving, but probably less than you'd think. The Met, definitely. MoMA perhaps, though I'm still miffed that it looks like a showroom floor. I dunno - vacationing almost feels like a fantasy to me after having to miss one last year.
I suppose that should do for now. Good to see you again.
A silent time isn't necessarily a bad time. I still had a visit from my little black dog this year, but it seems to be waning. Eh, it was never very bad anyway - I got off pretty light this year, but it DID make things a bit rough for a patch.
The Chef is somewhere right now, I'm guessing still close to Chicago, where she went to surprise her friend for her birthday. I was silently hoped she'd invite me along, though I'm not upset she didn't. A healthy relationship means some time apart, and besides, it frees me from having to deal with the acrobatics of her friends. They're a very nice married couple, but even when things are perfect those things can be hard for me to navigate. I've decided I'm going to lasso her into going to Chicago at some point once things warm up. This way I don't have to feel weird about it and I can still see all the things I've been dying to see.
The Chef is good. Last weekend, in a twilight hour, I told her I loved her. She said nothing and I didn't pursue it. She may not have heard me, but after saying something like that it seemed like the smart thing to do was to drop it for now. I can always revisit that. No point in forcing something, and I was thankful that if she DID hear me she spared me the awkward, "Well, I really like you too" conversation.
My younger nephew is now up on his feet! He just turned a year old and my brother walked out into the living room to see him standing tall all on his own. He looked at his Daddy and started walking to him. He got a few good steps in before he decided to plop on his butt to crawl the rest of the way, still his preferred mode of transportation. He didn't fall. He chose to plop. Good for him, I say: pretty soon my brother's life will get a whole lot crazier with TWO toddlers tearing around the place looking for mischief. Poetic justice certainly!
The situation at work seems to be okay enough, though I was bolstered by the news that my productivity score for the quarter was TWICE what it usually is for a first-quarter starter. I was stressed out about that even though I hate myself for it. It's not about the money anyway - never was - but one thing I don't need is to be called into the office and be leaned on. Glad that didn't happen. The job market has tanked in a way that makes older people shudder, but I'm closing in on three different placements so I'm hoping one of them will pan out.
What else? The gym! No music, no paintings, no art at all, but lots of gym. I am most definitely stronger than the last time I wrote. I think too that I'm being much smarter about it than last go-around: I've been focusing on core work and "posterior chain" stuff (think butt, lower back, hamstrings). These are muscles you can't actually see, but they seem to be the ones that need fixing. I no longer have knee pain at all. AT ALL. And my back feels much more stable, not as wonky as before. My deadlift numbers have shot up like a rocket. I feel much more solid. And hungry!
I took the enthusiasm I had for this the first go-around and put all my discipline into NOT working out, actually. In resting completely before heading back, not working through soreness like last time. It shows, too - my numbers are increasing MUCH slower than last time, but my joints are MUCH happier.
It's been a very good strategy for dealing with the winter. Feeling like a slightly-sore slab of meat really chases away the intellectual tangles of my seasonal visitor. The serotonin boost has been very helpful. I eat with relish, sleep like a rock (mostly), and fuck like a jackhammer.
I think that's the main reason for the silence. I've discovered that I always fall somewhere between two poles: mind and body. Sometimes I'm just a brain and out pours all the artsy stuff, but at times I'm just a body, just biology, and there isn't much thinking to do about it, at least not beyond the basic neuronal firings that keep images constant and my heart beating.
It also occurs to me that this is the next place where I'd like to find balance. I'd like to be both for most of the year, and to have isolated pockets where I'm standing in one of the corners. Balance used to mean keeping my partying in line with my working, sleeping enough, paying my bills on time, but now it seems that I've moved to the next stage, a more global endeavor, a fulcrum where on one side is my meat and on the other are my nerves and hopes and dreams. I figure if I can peg that I'll be as human as can be in this world.
More happenings: I'm having a hard time remembering when I last spoke to my mother. To tell you the truth I can't remember when I last wrote down anything about her. What brought this about is very complex, but the short version is that she got to my aunt somehow and frightened her to the point of tears. I folded my cards and decided to flip the table on it. I took one of the heavy oak chairs and made an escape route through the plate glass window to my immediate right. Moratorium time. I will revisit that on the first of April, when winter has most definitely passed. It will be the single longest bout of silence we've ever had, but my silence is my only strength in dealing with her at the moment.
In short time I'll be boarding a plane for, of all places, North Carolina. A three-day weekend. My cousin is getting married to some nice guy she met and apparently hit it off with. It will be my first trip in two years. My family basically rallied around me and paid for everything. They want me there. To tell you the truth I want to be there too, but I couldn't do it on my own. There's not much arguing with money - it's either there or it isn't, you know? I'm still paying down debt, money that would otherwise just be mine.
Their reason? There are few times when we can all get together. Weddings are about the ONLY way, save for funerals which are hopefully a while in coming. So I swallowed my pride and bellied up to the bar. Some things are more important than flashes of pride. It should be a great deal of fun, especially since my other cousin's babies and my nephews will be there, and because I really do love that half of my family, and because it'll be nice to see my cousin married off, a girl I was very close with once upon a time.
I'm also really hoping I can take a vacation home this summer. That's my plan anyway. What I'll do once there I haven't the foggiest. Maybe some misbehaving, but probably less than you'd think. The Met, definitely. MoMA perhaps, though I'm still miffed that it looks like a showroom floor. I dunno - vacationing almost feels like a fantasy to me after having to miss one last year.
I suppose that should do for now. Good to see you again.