Enchantments and Entanglements
While all the nation rocks its vote, here I am at home. My scheduled got screwy today so I'm back out there in an hour. Shenanigans at Walmart, though I'm not surprised.
I started a new workout yesterday: "Fat Loss I." Beats me if it works, but variety is good. These kinds of workouts are always slightly shitty - lots of reps, combo moves, and short rests. They're designed to be stressful and indeed they are, but I do have a deliciously sore upper back from rowing. It feels really good, almost like scratching an itch, though tomorrow it might be worse. The good news is I can now easily do 45 reps of squats. That would've been unthinkable when I started out. Anyway....
I have yet to hear from The Chef, other than a response to a text I sent her congratulating the Colts - and her by extension - on their win this past Sunday against the Pats. Good for them - I've always hated the Patriots.
Tuesday is far too early to stir, though since she left my place her presence has grown in my mind. I've been wondering about her, tinkering with those thoughts. Worried? No, but I am very interested to see where this goes, if it goes anywhere at all. I know better than to look for safe bets, for sure things, hell, even for another chance to see her, but current events are moving me for sure.
I suppose I'm getting to the point where I'm becoming more smitten than I'm comfortable with. I'm becoming slightly entangled, at that point where what happens next will surely impact my emotional state, even though I've been very right-minded and clearheaded about what's been going on. There's no hope but to become emotionally entangled after the episode with the futon, and entanglements are what can make life wonderful provided they work out. I suppose now is the time to have faith in the natural order of things, and to believe that there IS an order that I may very well not be wise enough to see.
What heartens me is that I really am after the right things and for the right reasons. There's nothing untoward or unseemly about this. I don't want it to continue because I have little else to do, or because there's something missing in me that another person shouldn't have to provide. I'm maximized, healthy, in good form, ready, perhaps finally ready. I know my readiness is only a part of the story, but it says something good about me that I'm ready for the positives as well as the potential negatives. I'm ready for whatever. I never realized that a person needs to be ready to accept rewards just as much as being ready to handle the bumps in the roads. Whatever it takes, I finally have it. I'm awakened to the possibilities, to all possibilities. The ugly voices inside me are quieted. Nothing left to do now but to keep at it.
With entanglements come enchantments too. Enchantments can be delusive, but in this case I don't think so. As far as I can guess, I'm enchanted because something real took place on Sunday. I know what I felt and I don't question it, and perhaps I'm enchanted because I feel relatively sure that she felt something too, something more than quickening and hormones. I suppose too that I'm enchanted because I know how elusive and mysterious those moments can be, how those moments hold no promise of future moments, that they are what they are, but that they almost ache to think about, to imagine happening again.
In that way I feel very alive. There's something bubbling down there. Two people are on their own trajectories, but it's possible that they are the same trajectory, even if the possibility is vanishingly small. To some degree I'm taking chances. To some degree I'm making myself vulnerable and available, and I'm not in the least bit afraid. Of course I'm hoping for the best, but hoping is something only living people can do. Even with all the uncertainty that comes on the heels of strongly felt events, I feel very sure, calm and confident. I wait because now is the time to wait. I make no bones about it, shoulder no grief. It's very nice.
I started a new workout yesterday: "Fat Loss I." Beats me if it works, but variety is good. These kinds of workouts are always slightly shitty - lots of reps, combo moves, and short rests. They're designed to be stressful and indeed they are, but I do have a deliciously sore upper back from rowing. It feels really good, almost like scratching an itch, though tomorrow it might be worse. The good news is I can now easily do 45 reps of squats. That would've been unthinkable when I started out. Anyway....
I have yet to hear from The Chef, other than a response to a text I sent her congratulating the Colts - and her by extension - on their win this past Sunday against the Pats. Good for them - I've always hated the Patriots.
Tuesday is far too early to stir, though since she left my place her presence has grown in my mind. I've been wondering about her, tinkering with those thoughts. Worried? No, but I am very interested to see where this goes, if it goes anywhere at all. I know better than to look for safe bets, for sure things, hell, even for another chance to see her, but current events are moving me for sure.
I suppose I'm getting to the point where I'm becoming more smitten than I'm comfortable with. I'm becoming slightly entangled, at that point where what happens next will surely impact my emotional state, even though I've been very right-minded and clearheaded about what's been going on. There's no hope but to become emotionally entangled after the episode with the futon, and entanglements are what can make life wonderful provided they work out. I suppose now is the time to have faith in the natural order of things, and to believe that there IS an order that I may very well not be wise enough to see.
What heartens me is that I really am after the right things and for the right reasons. There's nothing untoward or unseemly about this. I don't want it to continue because I have little else to do, or because there's something missing in me that another person shouldn't have to provide. I'm maximized, healthy, in good form, ready, perhaps finally ready. I know my readiness is only a part of the story, but it says something good about me that I'm ready for the positives as well as the potential negatives. I'm ready for whatever. I never realized that a person needs to be ready to accept rewards just as much as being ready to handle the bumps in the roads. Whatever it takes, I finally have it. I'm awakened to the possibilities, to all possibilities. The ugly voices inside me are quieted. Nothing left to do now but to keep at it.
With entanglements come enchantments too. Enchantments can be delusive, but in this case I don't think so. As far as I can guess, I'm enchanted because something real took place on Sunday. I know what I felt and I don't question it, and perhaps I'm enchanted because I feel relatively sure that she felt something too, something more than quickening and hormones. I suppose too that I'm enchanted because I know how elusive and mysterious those moments can be, how those moments hold no promise of future moments, that they are what they are, but that they almost ache to think about, to imagine happening again.
In that way I feel very alive. There's something bubbling down there. Two people are on their own trajectories, but it's possible that they are the same trajectory, even if the possibility is vanishingly small. To some degree I'm taking chances. To some degree I'm making myself vulnerable and available, and I'm not in the least bit afraid. Of course I'm hoping for the best, but hoping is something only living people can do. Even with all the uncertainty that comes on the heels of strongly felt events, I feel very sure, calm and confident. I wait because now is the time to wait. I make no bones about it, shoulder no grief. It's very nice.