*sighs*
I don't even know how to act anymore... Everyday is a constant wave of emotions. One minute I'll be content, doing my work and not worrying about anything. Then I'll hear a song, think about something that reminds me of him, and I feel that all to familiar rip in my gut. My eyes fill with tears and I fight back the sudden wave of sorrow that tries to over come me. I'm flooded with waves of memories from the past, both good and bad all with one thing in common. What do I do in these moments? How do I manage to compose myself? Sometimes it's easier than others, ultimately I think, "Its not going to bring him back..."
I hate this new feeling I have within. It's been many years since I've faced death, and last time it wasn't nearly this hard. For almost two weeks I felt the cold grip of depression tightly gripping my throat, not caring about anything but sleep. How does one prepare for this? I'm still trying to decide how to deal. It's all def put everything else in perspective. I know what I want right now, though the few years it'll take me to get there is sketchy. I'm not doing everything I need to do to make sure my goal happens, but slowly thats all falling into place. I'm still trying to decide if what I WANT, is necessarily a smart decision... heh...
Paw paw, I know you're not hurting anymore, but damn it I miss you! I keep thinking about our last night together... The last words I heard you say... Holding your hand as much as I could. I remember when we used to go to the V.O.A. and Red White and Blue when I was younger... everyday was a diff % off and we'd hit senior day every week. I remember when we'd go to Ryan's after church, and sometimes rally's to get a malt. I'm sorry I broke your dryer door, I'll never forget how scared I was to tell you. We never finished that peanut butter bet we made that one time, I'm telling you I can DEF tell the difference between Jiff and the cheap brand, blindfolded or not! Can we just go sit on your swing one more time? I waited for you there as soon as you passed. I'd give anything to walk in and hear, "Desiree, Desiree, 1825 Tulane.." and all the other crazy songs you'd come up with. Please play your ukulele for me one more time? I'm so lost right now, pawpaw. My brain can't fathom that your just not here anymore, I just trick myself into thinking I understand and that I'll see you around the next time I'm in town... But you weren't there last night, and you won't be there anymore. What kills me more, our family is already falling apart. It has been since before you left, but more so now that you're not here. I hope I'm gone by the time Thanksgiving gets here. I can't stand the thought of my first thanksgiving without you, but without so much of our family?! There's so much drama right now pawpaw, that I just don't understand. So much pain caused by members towards members, and this isn't what you taught us. I feel like you were the glue holding us together, and now that you're gone, so is my family. This is all to much for me to handle. Please don't be mad if I leave. I'll visit the kids, they don't deserve what I want to do... but I doubt anyone else will really care, all wrapped up in their own little drama filled lives. Why should they? *sighs* You're not here anymore pawpaw, but there's still gotta be more I can learn from you. I'm still working to make you proud, please don't forget about me, ok? I love you, with a love I have never given to anyone else... Can't wait to see you again!
I hate this new feeling I have within. It's been many years since I've faced death, and last time it wasn't nearly this hard. For almost two weeks I felt the cold grip of depression tightly gripping my throat, not caring about anything but sleep. How does one prepare for this? I'm still trying to decide how to deal. It's all def put everything else in perspective. I know what I want right now, though the few years it'll take me to get there is sketchy. I'm not doing everything I need to do to make sure my goal happens, but slowly thats all falling into place. I'm still trying to decide if what I WANT, is necessarily a smart decision... heh...
Paw paw, I know you're not hurting anymore, but damn it I miss you! I keep thinking about our last night together... The last words I heard you say... Holding your hand as much as I could. I remember when we used to go to the V.O.A. and Red White and Blue when I was younger... everyday was a diff % off and we'd hit senior day every week. I remember when we'd go to Ryan's after church, and sometimes rally's to get a malt. I'm sorry I broke your dryer door, I'll never forget how scared I was to tell you. We never finished that peanut butter bet we made that one time, I'm telling you I can DEF tell the difference between Jiff and the cheap brand, blindfolded or not! Can we just go sit on your swing one more time? I waited for you there as soon as you passed. I'd give anything to walk in and hear, "Desiree, Desiree, 1825 Tulane.." and all the other crazy songs you'd come up with. Please play your ukulele for me one more time? I'm so lost right now, pawpaw. My brain can't fathom that your just not here anymore, I just trick myself into thinking I understand and that I'll see you around the next time I'm in town... But you weren't there last night, and you won't be there anymore. What kills me more, our family is already falling apart. It has been since before you left, but more so now that you're not here. I hope I'm gone by the time Thanksgiving gets here. I can't stand the thought of my first thanksgiving without you, but without so much of our family?! There's so much drama right now pawpaw, that I just don't understand. So much pain caused by members towards members, and this isn't what you taught us. I feel like you were the glue holding us together, and now that you're gone, so is my family. This is all to much for me to handle. Please don't be mad if I leave. I'll visit the kids, they don't deserve what I want to do... but I doubt anyone else will really care, all wrapped up in their own little drama filled lives. Why should they? *sighs* You're not here anymore pawpaw, but there's still gotta be more I can learn from you. I'm still working to make you proud, please don't forget about me, ok? I love you, with a love I have never given to anyone else... Can't wait to see you again!