Drowning To Be Pushed.
I haven't thought deeply to myself for a long while. I guess here goes nothing, it's ironic I say that since nothing has been really going on. I sit here and remembered my goal in existing. How I been slipping away from the idea for years due to depending on finding others with the same drive or passion for the music to even bother jamming. It's made my motivation for it slowly die through the years, I rather feel like an antique rusting and collecting dust the whole time. There's some moments where I can feel that fire I once had kick in by inspiration, I just want my fire to stay lit enough to get things done again. I guess I been also holding myself back because of lack of funds for the right gear to even bother with people. And these days it's hard just to get a job and more complications that will end up attaching to the struggle. Maybe if I just had that one big push knock me back in my feet again, maybe just maybe I'll be making something of myself.
I feel so helpless just saying like a prayer to help myself. I guess I'm near my rock bottom mentality of it all. I mean I still have hope for it, like the locked person I am in my own cage as others do. Maybe that's what our insanity really is, it's ourselves saying just be yourself and that's something I realized I did as a teen. Certain people liked me for it, it's what made me strong and a glue for a certain group of friends or a band. I feel I do have a natural born leader in me. I mean I did it without the realization of it to begin with.
It's strange seeing that potential now when it was on autopilot back then. Right now I feel I'm just in a media coma again just blocking the world away from what I really want to be doing. I seem to be getting comfortable with the idea until I really think about it like today or out of boredom of the same ol'. Then I become pretty uncomfortable with it and hate myself more for letting it happened. The more I keep thinking about it I just feel lost again but within myself. Like I'm drowning and waving my hand around to see if anyone would bother pulling me back up to breath again. I can't imagine drowning for months or years but in reality I have been.
I need to improve myself in so many ways since I slipped a lot. Probably by my birth day I'll shape myself up. Letting the start of the new age be my guide to the rebooting. This entry had no real direction or meaning to it, just the random thoughts lurk in the back of my mind. I'm going to stop here and process more thoughts.
I feel so helpless just saying like a prayer to help myself. I guess I'm near my rock bottom mentality of it all. I mean I still have hope for it, like the locked person I am in my own cage as others do. Maybe that's what our insanity really is, it's ourselves saying just be yourself and that's something I realized I did as a teen. Certain people liked me for it, it's what made me strong and a glue for a certain group of friends or a band. I feel I do have a natural born leader in me. I mean I did it without the realization of it to begin with.
It's strange seeing that potential now when it was on autopilot back then. Right now I feel I'm just in a media coma again just blocking the world away from what I really want to be doing. I seem to be getting comfortable with the idea until I really think about it like today or out of boredom of the same ol'. Then I become pretty uncomfortable with it and hate myself more for letting it happened. The more I keep thinking about it I just feel lost again but within myself. Like I'm drowning and waving my hand around to see if anyone would bother pulling me back up to breath again. I can't imagine drowning for months or years but in reality I have been.
I need to improve myself in so many ways since I slipped a lot. Probably by my birth day I'll shape myself up. Letting the start of the new age be my guide to the rebooting. This entry had no real direction or meaning to it, just the random thoughts lurk in the back of my mind. I'm going to stop here and process more thoughts.