Cabin Fever
Wow, two entries in technically one day. Still bored and been feeling like shit and I finally realize why i'm feeling like shit. I don't know what happened somewhere in taking my birth control, but the fear returned. The fear that if I say or do one thing out of line that I'll lose Mark. That fear caused me to lose Mark in the first place and now that I am able to admit it to myself it's going to stop today. I don't have to freak just cause we haven't talked on the phone for a few hours. I don't have start thinking he doesn't want me anymore just cause we haven't seen eachother for a few days. I'm going to talk to my doctor to see if there is anything I can do about the moodswings and the depression, or if there are better alternatives. Frankly, the condoms and pregnancy scares were easier to deal with. No one else wants to hear that, but i'd be in a much better mood finding out I was pregnant than I am on this shit. I'd be freaking out, but I wouldn't be depressed all the time. No I don't want to get pregnant. I just lost about 40lbs. You think I want to gain that all back in one swoop. NO THANKS!
At the moment I'm bored off my ass, not able to do anything cause no one wants to go anywhere and I don't have any money. My parents are refusing to teach me how to drive so I gave up asking. If I fail the test in February, I can easily blame them for not acting like proper parents. I got the usual round of yells and told that I don't do anything and if I don't start helping i can get out. When they say help they mean help paying their bills. I have my own bills to worry about. Mark has once again offered to take care of me and I don't want that to happen because, last time it was my fault things spun so far out of control. I got lazy and I shouldn't have so I won't let that happen this time. If I have to go back to Walmart for awhile, I will. Anything to keep such a financial strain off of Mark.
Still bored. I just noticed that everyone in my family is lazy. Heaven forbid we do anything just because I'm home. When I get home from Mark's I hear all about how they went crabbing and fishing, but when I'm home we don't do anything and it's not fair. They order out when I'm not home. They order movies when I'm not home. I so want to just up and leave and never look back.
At the moment I'm bored off my ass, not able to do anything cause no one wants to go anywhere and I don't have any money. My parents are refusing to teach me how to drive so I gave up asking. If I fail the test in February, I can easily blame them for not acting like proper parents. I got the usual round of yells and told that I don't do anything and if I don't start helping i can get out. When they say help they mean help paying their bills. I have my own bills to worry about. Mark has once again offered to take care of me and I don't want that to happen because, last time it was my fault things spun so far out of control. I got lazy and I shouldn't have so I won't let that happen this time. If I have to go back to Walmart for awhile, I will. Anything to keep such a financial strain off of Mark.
Still bored. I just noticed that everyone in my family is lazy. Heaven forbid we do anything just because I'm home. When I get home from Mark's I hear all about how they went crabbing and fishing, but when I'm home we don't do anything and it's not fair. They order out when I'm not home. They order movies when I'm not home. I so want to just up and leave and never look back.