how i learned to hate and love collaborative art forms
there are very few people in my life right now that are amazing and wonderful and talented and intelligent and just spectacular people and i'm so okay with that.
i am talking about two people in particular. one, who has always been there and is my constant (and we'll get to her second), and the other who is changing my life and making me feel like i should be giving a shit. (who we'll deal with first) lately i have been very very upset. like probably for a solid year or so. probably since i got mono. actually probably the spring semester before i got mono. sad sad for a whole few years. there was this nasty unhappy change in me and i got un-confident and shy and i lost my drive. i wanted to give up. i was miserable. and last night, i hit my breaking point when i realized my whole entire life was crap and i was crap and all i felt like was crap and that this crap had no end in sight. i got pulled aside by my visiting manager (who i used to work with) because he said i was being "really hostile". and i was. last night, i was a force to be reckoned with. i ended up talking to shawn, and even he was a bit put off. so he said, okay, after this, let's not go to bed before our next jobs, let's go out to breakfast and talk.
so he sat me down, amidst tons of bacon, and just talked TO me for 3 hours. there was a lot of "why's?" and i didn't have good answers for them. i didn't even HAVE answers for them. i realized the only thing holding me back was me. my drive, which apparently hadn't gone anywhere at all, but had pleasantly switched roles into me thinking that i wasn't any good. the problem at hand was fitchburg state. see, at fitchburg, they accept and embrace mediocrity. i don't care if you're offended by this, but you tell me one good piece that's come out of fitchburg in the past years. because i can't name one and i am including things i was involved with (probably especially those.) not only do they embrace it, they encourage it. they let people walk around calling themselves "writers" and "directors" when these assholes have NO CLUE what that even means. they're just tossing around words pretending to be things, where people who are actually talented don't use those names because they don't want to toss around things until they're sure. until they're absolutely ready to use that because that's what they are not what they're amateurishly pretending to be. because to people who actually want to be those things that's an honor and a title earned. you don't just get to use it. everyone calling themselves artists and spouting off about beauty and all that nonsense, and then having the nerve to do all this prop-comic bullshit and being heralded as some sort of comic genius for it. and since no one is on your level, you've got to go down to theirs, and you're pissed because you're working way below your own standards, way below the work you KNOW you're capable of, but because everyone is comfortable in their sub-par pjs, you're forced to hand in absolute shit and call it the mona lisa. let's call a duck a duck. people should be strving to YOUR excellence, you should never have to dumb yourself down for others. but everyone accepts this as an absolute truth, as a constant and no one realized that it doesn't have to be. people don't have to take piss poor work ethics, and terrible skills. there is this terribly unhealhty work environment, and no one is willing to make the changes it's going to take to make a difference. comfort is a dangerous thing. people should never be comfortable when they're working. in your element, yes, but always ready for something, on your toes, waiting for the action. instead, it's piss and fart humor, and jokes in bad taste. and we all sit and we all take it and we all say, yes that's the way it always has been, that's the way it is now, and that's the way it's always going to be. this is the truth, and the truth can't be altered. no one wants to be challenged. no one's willing to strive. easy a's that's all anyone seems interested in.
so after the giant popularity contest that was fsc, you just feel so down on yourself, because you want to be one of those kids who thinks their sucky work is amazing. because you'd have the job now and you'd be all fat and happy with it. you want to be the student who the professor encourages and says "that's great". since when is a failure acceptable? since when is not living up to a standard a good thing? where's the screening process? is it now so much about the money and NOT about the art that these professors are trying to push upon us? it's a factory. i received grades that i most certainly did not deserve. which is why that degree feels like a joke. (not to mention the entire institution.)
of course, none of that is at all appreciated. i look at people now who have jobs and i'm thinking, did you even have to fight tooth and nail for that? do you even know what that's like? my entire existence has been scratching and clawing and trying and trying and repeatedly getting knocked down and getting back up. and yes, i bitch about it, because it's hard and i hate it and i want to have it easy. i want things handed to me and i want to coast through life. i want someone to help me. it's not the case. but that day, when things DO go my way, and oh, they're going to, things will be all the much sweeter.
shawn had told me exactly what i needed to hear. granted, blaming my problems on the universe and my woe-is-me attitude was even starting to grate on my own nerves. i couldn't blame fsc for not letting me succeed and it's constant insistence in keeping me securely under its thumb. yes, i can be pissed for all our gender issues, for the discrimination i faced and the adversity. but fitchburg isn't going to change, so i'm going to have to. for the first time in years, i felt like i was actually talking to a real person instead of all the bullshit from day to day. there's sincerity in his voice. HONESTY. it's the realist person i've met since lynsey. for once, i didn't feel like i needed to carry the conversation. i sat back and i listened and wasn't waiting for my turn to speak. i didn't have to be "on". i didn't have to be clever or charming, or witty or sparkling. i was me and i can't even describe that feeling when you're talking to someone and you get this amazing picture of who they are and they get this one of who you are.
i got weepy at my second job, and all i wanted to do was drive up to fitchburg and see lynsey. i realized that one of THE MOST important people in my life was too far away and i missed her and regardless of having no sleep last night, i was going to just drive there and just talk to her because i was so upset and so just defeated and changed by my conversation with shawn, that i needed to have her understand. and she did. and we both talked about how amazing we are, but how neither of us believe it. and yeah, maybe it's because we're women, but maybe it's because we're better. lynsey is incredibly intelligent. i admire her from day to day, she's one of the single most amazing people i've ever met. she's got incredible wit, and this unmistakable draw about her. she makes me strive to be on her level, to meet with her with the same intensity that she gives. and i know she doesn't do any work for school (that's a joke anyway), but it's her amazing thought process, it's captivating. she's a brilliant writer and thinker. and not just her talents, she's a wonderful person. i don't even feel like this is doing justice to an inkling of how i feel about her.
but we talked and it was good and now i'm thinking that i'm okay. just breathing. that's what i'm concentrating on now. i know what i need to do. and i'm going to do it. because, again, no bodys' gonna do that for me.
i have to remember and i've said before. i'm going to be amazing one day, it just doesn't need to be today.
i am talking about two people in particular. one, who has always been there and is my constant (and we'll get to her second), and the other who is changing my life and making me feel like i should be giving a shit. (who we'll deal with first) lately i have been very very upset. like probably for a solid year or so. probably since i got mono. actually probably the spring semester before i got mono. sad sad for a whole few years. there was this nasty unhappy change in me and i got un-confident and shy and i lost my drive. i wanted to give up. i was miserable. and last night, i hit my breaking point when i realized my whole entire life was crap and i was crap and all i felt like was crap and that this crap had no end in sight. i got pulled aside by my visiting manager (who i used to work with) because he said i was being "really hostile". and i was. last night, i was a force to be reckoned with. i ended up talking to shawn, and even he was a bit put off. so he said, okay, after this, let's not go to bed before our next jobs, let's go out to breakfast and talk.
so he sat me down, amidst tons of bacon, and just talked TO me for 3 hours. there was a lot of "why's?" and i didn't have good answers for them. i didn't even HAVE answers for them. i realized the only thing holding me back was me. my drive, which apparently hadn't gone anywhere at all, but had pleasantly switched roles into me thinking that i wasn't any good. the problem at hand was fitchburg state. see, at fitchburg, they accept and embrace mediocrity. i don't care if you're offended by this, but you tell me one good piece that's come out of fitchburg in the past years. because i can't name one and i am including things i was involved with (probably especially those.) not only do they embrace it, they encourage it. they let people walk around calling themselves "writers" and "directors" when these assholes have NO CLUE what that even means. they're just tossing around words pretending to be things, where people who are actually talented don't use those names because they don't want to toss around things until they're sure. until they're absolutely ready to use that because that's what they are not what they're amateurishly pretending to be. because to people who actually want to be those things that's an honor and a title earned. you don't just get to use it. everyone calling themselves artists and spouting off about beauty and all that nonsense, and then having the nerve to do all this prop-comic bullshit and being heralded as some sort of comic genius for it. and since no one is on your level, you've got to go down to theirs, and you're pissed because you're working way below your own standards, way below the work you KNOW you're capable of, but because everyone is comfortable in their sub-par pjs, you're forced to hand in absolute shit and call it the mona lisa. let's call a duck a duck. people should be strving to YOUR excellence, you should never have to dumb yourself down for others. but everyone accepts this as an absolute truth, as a constant and no one realized that it doesn't have to be. people don't have to take piss poor work ethics, and terrible skills. there is this terribly unhealhty work environment, and no one is willing to make the changes it's going to take to make a difference. comfort is a dangerous thing. people should never be comfortable when they're working. in your element, yes, but always ready for something, on your toes, waiting for the action. instead, it's piss and fart humor, and jokes in bad taste. and we all sit and we all take it and we all say, yes that's the way it always has been, that's the way it is now, and that's the way it's always going to be. this is the truth, and the truth can't be altered. no one wants to be challenged. no one's willing to strive. easy a's that's all anyone seems interested in.
so after the giant popularity contest that was fsc, you just feel so down on yourself, because you want to be one of those kids who thinks their sucky work is amazing. because you'd have the job now and you'd be all fat and happy with it. you want to be the student who the professor encourages and says "that's great". since when is a failure acceptable? since when is not living up to a standard a good thing? where's the screening process? is it now so much about the money and NOT about the art that these professors are trying to push upon us? it's a factory. i received grades that i most certainly did not deserve. which is why that degree feels like a joke. (not to mention the entire institution.)
of course, none of that is at all appreciated. i look at people now who have jobs and i'm thinking, did you even have to fight tooth and nail for that? do you even know what that's like? my entire existence has been scratching and clawing and trying and trying and repeatedly getting knocked down and getting back up. and yes, i bitch about it, because it's hard and i hate it and i want to have it easy. i want things handed to me and i want to coast through life. i want someone to help me. it's not the case. but that day, when things DO go my way, and oh, they're going to, things will be all the much sweeter.
shawn had told me exactly what i needed to hear. granted, blaming my problems on the universe and my woe-is-me attitude was even starting to grate on my own nerves. i couldn't blame fsc for not letting me succeed and it's constant insistence in keeping me securely under its thumb. yes, i can be pissed for all our gender issues, for the discrimination i faced and the adversity. but fitchburg isn't going to change, so i'm going to have to. for the first time in years, i felt like i was actually talking to a real person instead of all the bullshit from day to day. there's sincerity in his voice. HONESTY. it's the realist person i've met since lynsey. for once, i didn't feel like i needed to carry the conversation. i sat back and i listened and wasn't waiting for my turn to speak. i didn't have to be "on". i didn't have to be clever or charming, or witty or sparkling. i was me and i can't even describe that feeling when you're talking to someone and you get this amazing picture of who they are and they get this one of who you are.
i got weepy at my second job, and all i wanted to do was drive up to fitchburg and see lynsey. i realized that one of THE MOST important people in my life was too far away and i missed her and regardless of having no sleep last night, i was going to just drive there and just talk to her because i was so upset and so just defeated and changed by my conversation with shawn, that i needed to have her understand. and she did. and we both talked about how amazing we are, but how neither of us believe it. and yeah, maybe it's because we're women, but maybe it's because we're better. lynsey is incredibly intelligent. i admire her from day to day, she's one of the single most amazing people i've ever met. she's got incredible wit, and this unmistakable draw about her. she makes me strive to be on her level, to meet with her with the same intensity that she gives. and i know she doesn't do any work for school (that's a joke anyway), but it's her amazing thought process, it's captivating. she's a brilliant writer and thinker. and not just her talents, she's a wonderful person. i don't even feel like this is doing justice to an inkling of how i feel about her.
but we talked and it was good and now i'm thinking that i'm okay. just breathing. that's what i'm concentrating on now. i know what i need to do. and i'm going to do it. because, again, no bodys' gonna do that for me.
i have to remember and i've said before. i'm going to be amazing one day, it just doesn't need to be today.