it's break a leg, not good luck.
today, as i my mom was timing me in the living room, and i was going over my monologues over and over and over until i didn't have to think about them, and until i didn't have to look up to make the connections or picture the book, until i could think of other things instead of "what's my time what's my time", until i could breathe in and out and relax into the two characters, until i could speak without my voice shaking, without using the glottal stop on my last name, without fear i'd forget a line, without hesitation, it suddenly hit me that what i've created as one of the most important/influential days in my new life is less than 48 hours away.
so i cried a bit about that, and then i felt like i was maybe going to get a little sick, so i spent some time in the bathroom putting water on my face and convincing myself that i wasn't nervous. when in fact, i'm petrified.
a room of atleast 70 people. i haven't done any public speaking in forever. and i'm supposed to go in there brimming with confidence, overflowing with talent, and the terrified and incredibly shy part of me is yelling, "what are you KIDDING!?"
the thing i'm most scared about is, when i was doing theatre way back in the day, typically, i'd freak out for the first...3 or so minutes on stage. i have 2 minutes.
i'm terrified i'll forget my lines. and i'm terrified that i'll mispeak, that i'll make apologies at the end of my sentences and that i'm not going to get any call backs whatsoever. i guess i'm really nervous that i actually in fact suck, but mostly that my hands and voice will shake. i'm scared of stupid mistakes. amature mistakes. maybe it's all the voices of all the judges in the past. it's difficult to be calm when all you can think of is the voices of others.
because. well if this doesn't pan out for me, i don't feel like i've got anywhere else to turn.
i've never been afraid about this before. friends of mine used to vomit before every show, some would cry. i used to calm other people down. i'd sing madonna and joke and laugh and put people at ease. the most i've ever had was a bit of drymouth. but i never thought, oh god, i'm going to fuck this up. perhaps i will tell myself that it's unimportant. it's just some people are putting so much stock into this. i need to settle down. this is exactly why i've been avoiding people this past week. i don't want to talk to anyone because they're putting pressure on me. some of it is harmless, and i know people who say "you're going to do GREAT!" mean the absolute best. and i know they come from a place of love and caring and wonderful friendness, but that phrase always been my downfall. i know they'll still love me if i don't get one call back, if i decide to be a pharmacist, and move to deluth. i don't want to dissapoint other people if i don't do great. i really don't want to dissapoint myself. i'm so tired of being dissapointed.
so i cried a bit about that, and then i felt like i was maybe going to get a little sick, so i spent some time in the bathroom putting water on my face and convincing myself that i wasn't nervous. when in fact, i'm petrified.
a room of atleast 70 people. i haven't done any public speaking in forever. and i'm supposed to go in there brimming with confidence, overflowing with talent, and the terrified and incredibly shy part of me is yelling, "what are you KIDDING!?"
the thing i'm most scared about is, when i was doing theatre way back in the day, typically, i'd freak out for the first...3 or so minutes on stage. i have 2 minutes.
i'm terrified i'll forget my lines. and i'm terrified that i'll mispeak, that i'll make apologies at the end of my sentences and that i'm not going to get any call backs whatsoever. i guess i'm really nervous that i actually in fact suck, but mostly that my hands and voice will shake. i'm scared of stupid mistakes. amature mistakes. maybe it's all the voices of all the judges in the past. it's difficult to be calm when all you can think of is the voices of others.
because. well if this doesn't pan out for me, i don't feel like i've got anywhere else to turn.
i've never been afraid about this before. friends of mine used to vomit before every show, some would cry. i used to calm other people down. i'd sing madonna and joke and laugh and put people at ease. the most i've ever had was a bit of drymouth. but i never thought, oh god, i'm going to fuck this up. perhaps i will tell myself that it's unimportant. it's just some people are putting so much stock into this. i need to settle down. this is exactly why i've been avoiding people this past week. i don't want to talk to anyone because they're putting pressure on me. some of it is harmless, and i know people who say "you're going to do GREAT!" mean the absolute best. and i know they come from a place of love and caring and wonderful friendness, but that phrase always been my downfall. i know they'll still love me if i don't get one call back, if i decide to be a pharmacist, and move to deluth. i don't want to dissapoint other people if i don't do great. i really don't want to dissapoint myself. i'm so tired of being dissapointed.