30 days meme: Day 5, "Love, defined"
Love means always sincerely saying you're sorry, and always being willing to sincerely hear you partner's apologies.
I'm not saying everything has to be forgiven. I'm certainly not saying that people should stay in bad/unhappy relationships. What I am saying is that pride and anger can't take precedence over love.
Apologies are hard. No one wants to admit openly that they've done wrong, even when they know they have. It can make you* feel small and humiliated. Sometimes, saying "I'm sorry for x" seems like it makes x true. Easier to keep silent and maybe fool yourself, fool everyone else into believing you're not the sort of person who pulls stuff like x. What about your partner, though? What about the person you love, and then hurt? Is your reputation more important than them? If it is, then it's your reputation that you love, and good luck with that keeping you warm at night. Refusing to apologize is pride, pure and simple, and in doing so you're letting that pride keep you separated from your love. Sometimes it can take some time to say "I'm sorry," sure. It takes courage, after all, and courage has to be gathered. But we all need to get to it as soon as possible.
(When gathering courage, remember this: Those feelings of smallness and humiliation are only feelings. We are not our mistakes, and acknowledging them does not make them define us.)
Just as hard as apologizing is accepting an apology. Who hasn't thrown one back in someone's face? Being wronged generally makes us angry, and I don't know about you, but I am neither tolerant nor patient when I'm angry. I tend toward more of a "screw you, jackass" mentality. That sort of fury can be blinding, until all we can think to do is lash out and hurt the person who hurt us right back, and throwing a sincere apology back at them is an easy way to do that. However, if we're ever going to heal from hurts, we need the person who committed them to take responsibility and do their best to fix it, which means letting them. Otherwise, the wound festers and it'll become the thing we think most about - not the person we love. Like pride that keeps us from apologizing, anger that blinds us separates us from the people we love, and even keeps things from getting better.
But what do you do when someone apologizes for something you can't tolerate? What do you do when the person who cheated on you says "I'm sorry," or the person who lied to you, ruined you, beat you? Are you supposed to accept their apology and forgive them like nothing ever happened? No. Hear the apology. Acknowledge the difficulty and effort that giving it entailed. And then leave. Don't ever keep yourself in a bad place. If you can, if you feel moved to, forgive. But leave. Do what's healthy for you.
I feel like this sounds preachy. It probably does. But, and I can't emphasize this enough, I really don't mean to come across as some sort of more-evolved person who has somehow risen above anger and fear. I am not Buddha. I just know what I think is right, in this case. I don't always do it, but this is what I believe, and what I strive for.
Or, you know, love might be when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie. ;)
*N.B. "You," in this case and all others, is meant in the plural form. Moreover, I am absolutely including myself. Especially in the "keeping silent" part. I have a hard time not retreating when I've messed up.
I'm not saying everything has to be forgiven. I'm certainly not saying that people should stay in bad/unhappy relationships. What I am saying is that pride and anger can't take precedence over love.
Apologies are hard. No one wants to admit openly that they've done wrong, even when they know they have. It can make you* feel small and humiliated. Sometimes, saying "I'm sorry for x" seems like it makes x true. Easier to keep silent and maybe fool yourself, fool everyone else into believing you're not the sort of person who pulls stuff like x. What about your partner, though? What about the person you love, and then hurt? Is your reputation more important than them? If it is, then it's your reputation that you love, and good luck with that keeping you warm at night. Refusing to apologize is pride, pure and simple, and in doing so you're letting that pride keep you separated from your love. Sometimes it can take some time to say "I'm sorry," sure. It takes courage, after all, and courage has to be gathered. But we all need to get to it as soon as possible.
(When gathering courage, remember this: Those feelings of smallness and humiliation are only feelings. We are not our mistakes, and acknowledging them does not make them define us.)
Just as hard as apologizing is accepting an apology. Who hasn't thrown one back in someone's face? Being wronged generally makes us angry, and I don't know about you, but I am neither tolerant nor patient when I'm angry. I tend toward more of a "screw you, jackass" mentality. That sort of fury can be blinding, until all we can think to do is lash out and hurt the person who hurt us right back, and throwing a sincere apology back at them is an easy way to do that. However, if we're ever going to heal from hurts, we need the person who committed them to take responsibility and do their best to fix it, which means letting them. Otherwise, the wound festers and it'll become the thing we think most about - not the person we love. Like pride that keeps us from apologizing, anger that blinds us separates us from the people we love, and even keeps things from getting better.
But what do you do when someone apologizes for something you can't tolerate? What do you do when the person who cheated on you says "I'm sorry," or the person who lied to you, ruined you, beat you? Are you supposed to accept their apology and forgive them like nothing ever happened? No. Hear the apology. Acknowledge the difficulty and effort that giving it entailed. And then leave. Don't ever keep yourself in a bad place. If you can, if you feel moved to, forgive. But leave. Do what's healthy for you.
I feel like this sounds preachy. It probably does. But, and I can't emphasize this enough, I really don't mean to come across as some sort of more-evolved person who has somehow risen above anger and fear. I am not Buddha. I just know what I think is right, in this case. I don't always do it, but this is what I believe, and what I strive for.
Or, you know, love might be when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie. ;)
*N.B. "You," in this case and all others, is meant in the plural form. Moreover, I am absolutely including myself. Especially in the "keeping silent" part. I have a hard time not retreating when I've messed up.