pensive.

[devised]

so i think ive come to develope some sort of a multiple personality disorder. not as clinical as it sounds or atleast i hope not, but i find myself torn between two sides of myself. i find myself in constant heated battle with the part of me that loves to feed off of anger, sadness, and distrust. i go from elated thoughts of all the possible changes i could finally implement, to desperate thoughts of final wishes and last requests. i think the hardest part is that i am aware of the madness inside me, its actually a good thing to recognize the insanity of my emotional distress but it also makes me unsure of the conclusions i come to. it makes me doubt that i have the capacity or control over myself that i feel i should have. I don't want to be a passenger i want to drive, i want to take my heart, my mind, my soul, and drive them all through the highways of will and determinantion and make my life what i always felt it should have been. but then i digress, this is where the part of me that wants sadness comes in, i feel asthough if i do try, if i can will myself to be the man i've always wanted to be, will i lose everything ive come to gain in my blind state? will i never be able to regain the happiness and joy of seeing and being with the things i have always leaned toward? uncertainty is a bitch.

i will take control. i wll take the chance. i do this for me. for my sake.