grumpy!Devil
It's been a grump of a day. We'll call it what it really is: PMS. Men may roll their eyes, but whatever happens each month to tip my hormones out of balance, I'm quite tired of it. I'm tired of dwelling on the little and not-so-little things in my life that seem all that more hopeless during "that time of the month" than I do otherwise. Otherwise, I can at least try to look at it positively, or give myself positive goals, or do what I do best, and that's ignore them.
I'm nothing if not stubborn.
I had my yearly physical on Tuesday, and my doctor sat there, running through the list of the usual questions. Finally, he looks up and asks, "Anything else?"
I wanted to say, "I'm worried about depression." I wanted to say, "I wish my emotions would stop running the gambit and let me think with a clear head." I wanted to say, "Is there anything I should take?"
I bit my tongue and sat there, said instead, "Nope. I'm good."
It's not that I have a bias against medication or the people who take it. I'm just terrified of walking down that road myself. I refuse to believe it's necessary. I keep thinking if I could just tweak certain variables in my life, just a bit, I'll be fine. And I just might be fine, but there's the underlying knowledge that I might be fine for a little while, but the cycle's going to rear its ugly head once more, and I might do more damage now than I did then.
I can't stand not being in control. And yet, I have no control. None. But with medication, I feel I'd have even less. Worse, I'm afraid I'll dupe myself into a stupor of everything is daisies and roses and miss the big picture things I worry about now.
I don't want to rely on medication. Outwardly speaking, my life's just fine. On one hand, I'm very fortunate. I've got a lot going for me, and the opportunity alone is a privilege that few acknowledge exists.
Yet, when I look down the road, see everything else beyond, I realize just how far behind I really am. I don't know if I'll ever catch up, and the road block isn't helping.
Forgive me, for this entry is insanely personal. But don't you love how I manage to talk about what's wrong without actually stating exactly what's wrong? I'm so good at that.
I'm going to nurse a Coke now (some people drink beer, but not me). If you've made it this far, you totally deserve a reward. So here:
And how about this?
And lastly,
That is all.
I'm nothing if not stubborn.
I had my yearly physical on Tuesday, and my doctor sat there, running through the list of the usual questions. Finally, he looks up and asks, "Anything else?"
I wanted to say, "I'm worried about depression." I wanted to say, "I wish my emotions would stop running the gambit and let me think with a clear head." I wanted to say, "Is there anything I should take?"
I bit my tongue and sat there, said instead, "Nope. I'm good."
It's not that I have a bias against medication or the people who take it. I'm just terrified of walking down that road myself. I refuse to believe it's necessary. I keep thinking if I could just tweak certain variables in my life, just a bit, I'll be fine. And I just might be fine, but there's the underlying knowledge that I might be fine for a little while, but the cycle's going to rear its ugly head once more, and I might do more damage now than I did then.
I can't stand not being in control. And yet, I have no control. None. But with medication, I feel I'd have even less. Worse, I'm afraid I'll dupe myself into a stupor of everything is daisies and roses and miss the big picture things I worry about now.
I don't want to rely on medication. Outwardly speaking, my life's just fine. On one hand, I'm very fortunate. I've got a lot going for me, and the opportunity alone is a privilege that few acknowledge exists.
Yet, when I look down the road, see everything else beyond, I realize just how far behind I really am. I don't know if I'll ever catch up, and the road block isn't helping.
Forgive me, for this entry is insanely personal. But don't you love how I manage to talk about what's wrong without actually stating exactly what's wrong? I'm so good at that.
I'm going to nurse a Coke now (some people drink beer, but not me). If you've made it this far, you totally deserve a reward. So here:
And how about this?
And lastly,
That is all.