Monday, April 14, 2008.......................
rotcod ssues..twisted around like ...
White knuckles pop, the clinched jaw drags out to grinding teeth. Cold stare into somthing other than that empty hole praying anything looks back, longing for that old friend as I gaze at the many scars ...thoughts, images ,words, hatred whispered to myself for no reason other than memory of blissful pain when those same white knuckles once bleeding felt alive. Inside deep clawin his way to the surface, I know he has to be pushed back locked away but the possiblities it births by being so close makes my head spin.Tongue now wet and dripping with violence, a deep breath fills my lungs and I feel the desire in my very core. He'll always be alive buried deep locked away and I know it's for the best, For the pleasure it brings will never be worth the chaos it creates.Think, dream, even to play it out in my ever broken skull brings a grin soo pure and soo dark you could never grasp.
To feel the impact blunt to my flesh,skin bruised pressed to the bone. I wallow in that almost tasting blood on my lips,for the few seconds it lasts are an eternity of pleasure. The release that comes after is soo much more than pleasure. Feral,primal,other worldly as he breaks free striking back seeing the fire and life fade from those once strong, confident eyes of my prey...... ......AGAIN,AGAIN,AGAIN! ...Warm wet life drippin crimson from my now torn hands....head still spinning...body moving,reacting,no thought,no insight just instinct like a machine but sooo pure, it feel soo fucking good.......... the hurt. Passion created by such gorgeous,ugly actions force me to return and recycle the pain but now its got a life of it's own driving me pushin me controling me, becoming me..AGAIN ,AGAIN,AGAIN! Time stopped...how long?...AGAIN!
I am pulled back.Tasting,smelling,bleeding that hate, breathing deeply the coarse air now surrounding ..Fog lifting from my eyes I wipe the blood from my face partly wishin it was mine. my heart stomping at my chest.....Feelin him slowly slip away back down to that place..The world becomes bland and I see what I have done. A murder of sorts,not death of flesh but of soul and spirit ....who's? ..... Skin ripped,bruised,bones broken so I could feel once again... Deserved or not provoked maybe, but if you crave it does it count? questions swirl ...........Kill the man become the monster?....why do I need this, crave this,love this?...Where the fuck am I?......Can I be a man without that monster,or just hollow?.......the head slowly stops spinning. The outside seeps in and I see their panic,fear, disgust, fake praise..it all makes me wanna puke...I could give a fuck.. Spitting blood at their feet I walk away ...it's for me not them...I seek no approval.......The fire smolders .My body starts to ache as he's locked away again.. The slight pleasure of the hurt I feel and caused fades....He starts clawing ..........................climbing........longing..................AGAIN!