Attn: Vlad
Dear Cat:
Perhaps you have noticed something different about the last few days. Namely, I have been home and usually I am not. I am also spending a lot of time laying around on the couch and eating such foreign delights as Chicken Noodle Soup. I realize you are under the impression that this is completely for you pleasure and convenience, but actually, it's because I'm sick. And since I'm sick, let's get a few ground rules down.
1. I am not hiding another cat in my belly. Yes, I am aware it makes noises and occasionally growls at you, but it's not going to hurt you. Jumping on me while I'm sleeping because my belly growled at you? That might hurt you. It is unnecessary to miaow at "belly cat". You are not allowed to get indignant because it doesn't respond. You don't need to alert me to the trouble after you've miaowed and no one has gotten back to you. Trust me, soon as I eat something, it'll growl back at you.
2. There are no interesting barfs, especially pertinent while I am in the process of producing such. Trying to get a paw in to see what's going on is not a good plan. See above about pouncing on my belly. It could shorten your life by a few lives.
3. My relatively horizontal position is not an invitation to sit on my chest so close that I can count the individual hairs on your face. I also don't need to see your butt. Contrary to popular belief, your butt will not cure the world's ills and I have seen it before. It's cute and all, but I can't focus on it from less than .07".
4. I am eating peanut butter because it's a quick source of protein and calories, not to taunt you. Well, only to taunt you a little bit.
5. Chicken noodle soup only benefits me if it makes it into my mouth. It does not need stirring and I don't need your paw in it to make sure it is not poisoned. Trust me on this one.
6. Going to the bathroom does not constitute giving up my spot on the couch. Oozing into my spot does not mean that I am not going to move you when I return. You weigh 7lbs, you are not a rhino, and you do not need an entire couch to spread out in.
6a. Going to the bathroom does not require your supervision. I've been potty trained for a while and like my soup, my ass does not require your paw. I understand how toilet paper works; I've been using it for a while.
7. This is not a permanent situation. Acting like I'm abandoning you because I have to go back to work is not really acceptable. How else am I to buy your noms? They don't pay me for catsitting.
Please reference this letter after I pry you out of my chair, which you've oozed into. Response is required in triplicated.
Oh wait, you don't have thumbs. Ha!
Perhaps you have noticed something different about the last few days. Namely, I have been home and usually I am not. I am also spending a lot of time laying around on the couch and eating such foreign delights as Chicken Noodle Soup. I realize you are under the impression that this is completely for you pleasure and convenience, but actually, it's because I'm sick. And since I'm sick, let's get a few ground rules down.
1. I am not hiding another cat in my belly. Yes, I am aware it makes noises and occasionally growls at you, but it's not going to hurt you. Jumping on me while I'm sleeping because my belly growled at you? That might hurt you. It is unnecessary to miaow at "belly cat". You are not allowed to get indignant because it doesn't respond. You don't need to alert me to the trouble after you've miaowed and no one has gotten back to you. Trust me, soon as I eat something, it'll growl back at you.
2. There are no interesting barfs, especially pertinent while I am in the process of producing such. Trying to get a paw in to see what's going on is not a good plan. See above about pouncing on my belly. It could shorten your life by a few lives.
3. My relatively horizontal position is not an invitation to sit on my chest so close that I can count the individual hairs on your face. I also don't need to see your butt. Contrary to popular belief, your butt will not cure the world's ills and I have seen it before. It's cute and all, but I can't focus on it from less than .07".
4. I am eating peanut butter because it's a quick source of protein and calories, not to taunt you. Well, only to taunt you a little bit.
5. Chicken noodle soup only benefits me if it makes it into my mouth. It does not need stirring and I don't need your paw in it to make sure it is not poisoned. Trust me on this one.
6. Going to the bathroom does not constitute giving up my spot on the couch. Oozing into my spot does not mean that I am not going to move you when I return. You weigh 7lbs, you are not a rhino, and you do not need an entire couch to spread out in.
6a. Going to the bathroom does not require your supervision. I've been potty trained for a while and like my soup, my ass does not require your paw. I understand how toilet paper works; I've been using it for a while.
7. This is not a permanent situation. Acting like I'm abandoning you because I have to go back to work is not really acceptable. How else am I to buy your noms? They don't pay me for catsitting.
Please reference this letter after I pry you out of my chair, which you've oozed into. Response is required in triplicated.
Oh wait, you don't have thumbs. Ha!