(no subject)
Your ever loving jerk with a mouth.. Back and still not happy.
You ever jump off that twenty foot diving board, sink 14 feet into the bottom of the pool, and look up at the rays of light cutting through the water? Then they hit the side of the goggle on your left eye, and light blinds the shit out of you. And you just want to stay there, sunk, feeling like the sun is on your face, but the cool water is all around you? It's like there's so much going on in your brain, hot, cold, and light.. that you forget you need oxygen. You need to come back up, and breathe in that dusty air. You need to feel the sand clinging into the once soft flesh of your throat.
That soft flesh that's most likely brown now, from god knows what going in and out of it. How many nights has it been, since you've seen that flesh, honestly? you should go check that shit out, make sure it's still there. 'Cause it's a bitch not to have it anymore. To better define that, you know how you can taste moisture in the wind, and say, "it's gonna rain today."
Gone-gone, baby, gone gone.
Now here's my advice for the day. Imagine someone you know, whom you respect, and have pulled your ass literally out of a shitstorm. They're intact, you dig? Concrete. Imagine seeing that concrete breaking away, rebar falling out of all the cracks, contorted and broken. Think of a highway during a big ass Earthquake. That's the state of that person, for me, who came to me tonight with a problem. You've got to understand, my magic is antagonism, and manipulation through subtle suggestions to people, such as, "You don't know how to do this, idiot." or "You fucking up again?" 'Cause honestly, at this point in the deployment, we still have some fucking retards, who only serve one purpose, either EO or they just have rank, or they're a wet warm hole for someone important.
So, anyways, this solid rock, now turned crumbling pillar is coming to me for advice, and I realize, the people who I care about are starting to be able to see my other side. It's actually come out, in times of distress, and that's saying a lot. I usually get crazy, and emotional when that side comes out, but it seems I can use it just like I can my dominant side. No longer is it a girlish wimper in the night, or the way I used to comb out my long hair with my fingers.. It's feminine, and very submissive. I won't lie, feels good to admit it. I'm a feminine devil, in the sense, when I care about people, I want to mother them. Pull them close to me, and clean off their dirty little faces, and tell them the nightmare is only temporary.
And I don't like to do that, I don't like to share, it's ingrained in me that part of me is special, and through multiple uses it will become numb, and only serve as a thick skin.
See, it's like this, my duality, if you go to essentials, is the man and the woman. My male side is dominant, and plays rough. At first it was just a manipulator, and a reactionary element. Like, I used it to get what I wanted, and it would come out when I was threatened. Don't think a male is manipulative, then you're terribly wrong.
The female side is the side I was raised with, it's where all the emotions I was told were wrong, or useless, went to. In a sense it was a retaliation of what I was told a man wasn't. And it turned out great. It's often a side I visit when I need to cool my heels, when I need to do some soul searching. But I don't dwell there, becomes I end up feeling pathetic, and begin to shuffle my emotions forward, forcing myself into them. A positive attitude balances these two things out, as I take ownership of everything now, remember? It's like being set free, saying, "I did this." or "This is shitty because I let it be." It doesn't so much empower you to want to fix everything that happens, but gives you a view of the horizon. You can see, in the distance, shit is gonna get better. Survival isn't hard at all out here. This attitude helps others more than it does you.
The second side to the above, is often, I have to answer my own questions now. This is that leadership concept, if you don't know, know one knows. I've done this quite a bit before being here, but now it's for others. Knowing I have brothers to take care of, is also empowering. Every mistake becomes mine, everything can be improved.
[I've had to correct a few sentences, to say, "I" or "mine." at this point, sucker.]
So, when we lived out at that combat outpost, man, I was burning the gym up every night. Every day was a two mile, two hour lift session. Since I've gotten here, it's been.. burger king, pizza, and fatty snacks. I'm gonna try to curb this entry so I can go to the gym with a friend of mine.
I feel expressive, more so than I have this whole deployment. And honestly, it's the worst time to do so. I go home in seventeen days, hopefully. Home to dwell on all the things that have changed since I have been gone, and that's o.k. The pulse will be different, but ultimately, it is my book to start writing again. It's been so long since I've done the things I used to love doing, only to find I didn't miss them. This is where it gets cloudy.
I find myself still feeling hollow. I've caught myself calling this place home. I don't want that. I don't want to not be able to let go. I'm a dreamer, and a man who walks along without a care, my world is what I make it. This isn't my world. This world has been manufactured for war and that's shit. I don't want it. The stuff I've had to do over here is hard, and I will never forget it, but I don't want to be that guy who is still at war long since the weapons are cold.
There's a delusion of the world those of you who are reading this are in, and it's understandable. It's not that anyone is blind, or ignorant of it. There's just a certain understanding you get when you're bathed in this element. Call it whatever you want, it's just how it is. Just the way it is. If everyone had this mindset, we'd be in pointless civil wars too.
They have a saying here, and it's "inshalla." Which means something like, "if God wills." These people say it all the time. To every extreme from death to being late for work, "if god wills." And that's how I feel sometimes, when you read all of the above, and I'm thinking it, still at the bottom of that pool, considering just staying down at the bottom. Because that's easy, that's where I am comfortable, at the bottom of that pool, by myself. Amused by simple things, watching everyone else move in slow motion between water and wind.. While I am just in water, moving only at water speed.
My inner shadow is only a portrait, not something caused by light. As such, it will always be there as a reminder.
You want someone, but want them to be happy. These are life lessons.
DAKE!
You ever jump off that twenty foot diving board, sink 14 feet into the bottom of the pool, and look up at the rays of light cutting through the water? Then they hit the side of the goggle on your left eye, and light blinds the shit out of you. And you just want to stay there, sunk, feeling like the sun is on your face, but the cool water is all around you? It's like there's so much going on in your brain, hot, cold, and light.. that you forget you need oxygen. You need to come back up, and breathe in that dusty air. You need to feel the sand clinging into the once soft flesh of your throat.
That soft flesh that's most likely brown now, from god knows what going in and out of it. How many nights has it been, since you've seen that flesh, honestly? you should go check that shit out, make sure it's still there. 'Cause it's a bitch not to have it anymore. To better define that, you know how you can taste moisture in the wind, and say, "it's gonna rain today."
Gone-gone, baby, gone gone.
Now here's my advice for the day. Imagine someone you know, whom you respect, and have pulled your ass literally out of a shitstorm. They're intact, you dig? Concrete. Imagine seeing that concrete breaking away, rebar falling out of all the cracks, contorted and broken. Think of a highway during a big ass Earthquake. That's the state of that person, for me, who came to me tonight with a problem. You've got to understand, my magic is antagonism, and manipulation through subtle suggestions to people, such as, "You don't know how to do this, idiot." or "You fucking up again?" 'Cause honestly, at this point in the deployment, we still have some fucking retards, who only serve one purpose, either EO or they just have rank, or they're a wet warm hole for someone important.
So, anyways, this solid rock, now turned crumbling pillar is coming to me for advice, and I realize, the people who I care about are starting to be able to see my other side. It's actually come out, in times of distress, and that's saying a lot. I usually get crazy, and emotional when that side comes out, but it seems I can use it just like I can my dominant side. No longer is it a girlish wimper in the night, or the way I used to comb out my long hair with my fingers.. It's feminine, and very submissive. I won't lie, feels good to admit it. I'm a feminine devil, in the sense, when I care about people, I want to mother them. Pull them close to me, and clean off their dirty little faces, and tell them the nightmare is only temporary.
And I don't like to do that, I don't like to share, it's ingrained in me that part of me is special, and through multiple uses it will become numb, and only serve as a thick skin.
See, it's like this, my duality, if you go to essentials, is the man and the woman. My male side is dominant, and plays rough. At first it was just a manipulator, and a reactionary element. Like, I used it to get what I wanted, and it would come out when I was threatened. Don't think a male is manipulative, then you're terribly wrong.
The female side is the side I was raised with, it's where all the emotions I was told were wrong, or useless, went to. In a sense it was a retaliation of what I was told a man wasn't. And it turned out great. It's often a side I visit when I need to cool my heels, when I need to do some soul searching. But I don't dwell there, becomes I end up feeling pathetic, and begin to shuffle my emotions forward, forcing myself into them. A positive attitude balances these two things out, as I take ownership of everything now, remember? It's like being set free, saying, "I did this." or "This is shitty because I let it be." It doesn't so much empower you to want to fix everything that happens, but gives you a view of the horizon. You can see, in the distance, shit is gonna get better. Survival isn't hard at all out here. This attitude helps others more than it does you.
The second side to the above, is often, I have to answer my own questions now. This is that leadership concept, if you don't know, know one knows. I've done this quite a bit before being here, but now it's for others. Knowing I have brothers to take care of, is also empowering. Every mistake becomes mine, everything can be improved.
[I've had to correct a few sentences, to say, "I" or "mine." at this point, sucker.]
So, when we lived out at that combat outpost, man, I was burning the gym up every night. Every day was a two mile, two hour lift session. Since I've gotten here, it's been.. burger king, pizza, and fatty snacks. I'm gonna try to curb this entry so I can go to the gym with a friend of mine.
I feel expressive, more so than I have this whole deployment. And honestly, it's the worst time to do so. I go home in seventeen days, hopefully. Home to dwell on all the things that have changed since I have been gone, and that's o.k. The pulse will be different, but ultimately, it is my book to start writing again. It's been so long since I've done the things I used to love doing, only to find I didn't miss them. This is where it gets cloudy.
I find myself still feeling hollow. I've caught myself calling this place home. I don't want that. I don't want to not be able to let go. I'm a dreamer, and a man who walks along without a care, my world is what I make it. This isn't my world. This world has been manufactured for war and that's shit. I don't want it. The stuff I've had to do over here is hard, and I will never forget it, but I don't want to be that guy who is still at war long since the weapons are cold.
There's a delusion of the world those of you who are reading this are in, and it's understandable. It's not that anyone is blind, or ignorant of it. There's just a certain understanding you get when you're bathed in this element. Call it whatever you want, it's just how it is. Just the way it is. If everyone had this mindset, we'd be in pointless civil wars too.
They have a saying here, and it's "inshalla." Which means something like, "if God wills." These people say it all the time. To every extreme from death to being late for work, "if god wills." And that's how I feel sometimes, when you read all of the above, and I'm thinking it, still at the bottom of that pool, considering just staying down at the bottom. Because that's easy, that's where I am comfortable, at the bottom of that pool, by myself. Amused by simple things, watching everyone else move in slow motion between water and wind.. While I am just in water, moving only at water speed.
My inner shadow is only a portrait, not something caused by light. As such, it will always be there as a reminder.
You want someone, but want them to be happy. These are life lessons.
DAKE!