I occasionally update you forgiving readers about my complicated relationship with Joanne, my Sig Other for the past 25-ish years. (Ooof! I shocked myself with that period of time
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I know how those little fights are and I can't even imagine putting up with it for 25 years...but it also sounds beautiful and loving and supportive, so that's awesome. ❤️
Gosh, it's great to hear from you -- been much of a year since we've chatted here on LJ.
Thank you for taking a positive view of Joanne's and my idiosyncracies. Our life is those things you mention -- and it's good you also find it hard to imagine hanging together for so long. "Breaking up is ha-a-ard to do..."
The test of how well she "runs the kitchen" and "takes advantage of sales" is this: how much food spoils and gets thrown out?
You two should probably never comment on each other's stuff. She has no business micromanaging your cooking and you should probably just let her buy whatever food she wants to buy.
Interesting you focus on the food-madness of this household. Both she and I, intrinsically, hate wasting food: we occasionally find ourselves "rescuing" fruit and veggies still mostly good -- picking through 4-day-old salad greens, etc.
When I'm alone down in Vero for a few weeks at a time, I buy rather little from the market, working my way through the canned and frozen stuff Joanne has stashed. I don't get the same shot at stocks here in DC, since -- as noted -- it's really HER kitchen on this end of the line.
Anyhow, we're not big throwers-out; we both LIKE left-overs. (We often bring home doggie-bags from restaurants, building whole meals around such "loot"...)
You could argue that she and I, in effect, DESERVE each other.
Life -- and love -- is a trade-off. You each cut slack for the other, though the loss of sex in a relationship, inevitable as it may be, can be more harmful to one partner than the other. The losing partner compensates by finding fault in some way with the one cutting off access to the sex. A sort of reverse Lysistrata.
I'm sure you both cut each other slack and it's hard to see when in the midst of things. I'm sure you will work it out somehow. At least you're still together, which reminds me that maybe the whole idea of breaking up with someone who does not fill all your needs is akin to staying lifelong with a partner who is the other half of a contracted union. Maybe arranged marriages, for whatever reason, aren't so bad after all. Familiarity often breeds conviviality, probably more often than it breeds contempt, when each cuts the other a bit of slack.
Dear Jacky -- More than once I've found myself thinking, "at least we're still together" -- wondering if that, in fact, IS enough. Especially when, at crucial moments, I bridle at her not "cutting me slack"... (I may wish I hadn't found my way to THAT expression.)
Your phrase "compensat[ing] by finding fault..." picks up my basic point. I KNOW I get little credit from her for, in effect, putting up with no sex. Admittedly, I HAVE worked out reasonably good coping mechanisms, including sex-bloggery (or whatever we ALL think it is that we're doing here).
But I do like your formula, "familiarity often breeds conviviality..." That IS why I stick around, and I'm pretty sure it's her main reason for remaining committed to US.
I often wonder if we aren't too quick to give the shove to relationships for minor concerns, like the lack of sex. Relationships are about so much more. We need to weigh the whole relationship and find some way to cope, or at least negotiate, with what is lacking.
That being said and me being twice divorced, I do not think that getting out of a relationship for physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse is a bad thing, especially as it relates to the children. I do see the benefit of staying in a marriage until the kids become adults, but not at the cost of damage to the self, or the kids. It's a tightrope sometimes, but deciding what is best for all is the best ruler for deciding when to end a relationship -- and for keeping one.
Dear Jackie: You're certainly onto the deeper issue regarding me and Joanne. GOOD reasons to end something are (or ought to be) damned few, and they're by implication fraught with awfulness -- "physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse" pretty much covers them.
I'm sorry to hear YOU had just such grounds for both your divorces. Knowing you to be sooo resilient, I can only imagine they were terribly abusive.
Complex relationship is complex indeed. And I see the uneveness of "cutting of a slack" in my daily life as well - once it's Dana, once it's me... but yeah, the imbalance sort of exists. In this case, I think I can see myself in Joanne a lot (while still in full sympathy with you, of course!:), especially when it comes to cooking. Sometimes poor Dana does her best, yet I still cannot help but complain.
Dear Anna: So you do much of the cooking... but complain about Dana taking the occasional shot at it. Yup, kinda makes YOU Joanne.
I'm fine about that, actually, since for a long while I've found myself relating somewhat to Dana (including being the older partner -- Joanne is 6 years younger than me).
Imbalance is frustrating; neither of us wants it, but it creeps into the day-to-day...
The thing is, people aren't really designed to live together, but neither are we designed to live alone. It's not a very poetic definition of love, but it is partly about being able to put up with each other's shit every day and still be prepared to come back for more.
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Gosh, it's great to hear from you -- been much of a year since we've chatted here on LJ.
Thank you for taking a positive view of Joanne's and my idiosyncracies. Our life is those things you mention -- and it's good you also find it hard to imagine hanging together for so long. "Breaking up is ha-a-ard to do..."
Reply
You two should probably never comment on each other's stuff. She has no business micromanaging your cooking and you should probably just let her buy whatever food she wants to buy.
Reply
Interesting you focus on the food-madness of this household. Both she and I, intrinsically, hate wasting food: we occasionally find ourselves "rescuing" fruit and veggies still mostly good -- picking through 4-day-old salad greens, etc.
When I'm alone down in Vero for a few weeks at a time, I buy rather little from the market, working my way through the canned and frozen stuff Joanne has stashed. I don't get the same shot at stocks here in DC, since -- as noted -- it's really HER kitchen on this end of the line.
Anyhow, we're not big throwers-out; we both LIKE left-overs. (We often bring home doggie-bags from restaurants, building whole meals around such "loot"...)
You could argue that she and I, in effect, DESERVE each other.
Reply
I'm sure you both cut each other slack and it's hard to see when in the midst of things. I'm sure you will work it out somehow. At least you're still together, which reminds me that maybe the whole idea of breaking up with someone who does not fill all your needs is akin to staying lifelong with a partner who is the other half of a contracted union. Maybe arranged marriages, for whatever reason, aren't so bad after all. Familiarity often breeds conviviality, probably more often than it breeds contempt, when each cuts the other a bit of slack.
Reply
Your phrase "compensat[ing] by finding fault..." picks up my basic point. I KNOW I get little credit from her for, in effect, putting up with no sex. Admittedly, I HAVE worked out reasonably good coping mechanisms, including sex-bloggery (or whatever we ALL think it is that we're doing here).
But I do like your formula, "familiarity often breeds conviviality..." That IS why I stick around, and I'm pretty sure it's her main reason for remaining committed to US.
Thanks so much...
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That being said and me being twice divorced, I do not think that getting out of a relationship for physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse is a bad thing, especially as it relates to the children. I do see the benefit of staying in a marriage until the kids become adults, but not at the cost of damage to the self, or the kids. It's a tightrope sometimes, but deciding what is best for all is the best ruler for deciding when to end a relationship -- and for keeping one.
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You're certainly onto the deeper issue regarding me and Joanne. GOOD reasons to end something are (or ought to be) damned few, and they're by implication fraught with awfulness -- "physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse" pretty much covers them.
I'm sorry to hear YOU had just such grounds for both your divorces. Knowing you to be sooo resilient, I can only imagine they were terribly abusive.
Kisses, J
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In this case, I think I can see myself in Joanne a lot (while still in full sympathy with you, of course!:), especially when it comes to cooking. Sometimes poor Dana does her best, yet I still cannot help but complain.
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I'm fine about that, actually, since for a long while I've found myself relating somewhat to Dana (including being the older partner -- Joanne is 6 years younger than me).
Imbalance is frustrating; neither of us wants it, but it creeps into the day-to-day...
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