I occasionally update you forgiving readers about my complicated relationship with Joanne, my Sig Other for the past 25-ish years. (Ooof! I shocked myself with that period of time
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Life -- and love -- is a trade-off. You each cut slack for the other, though the loss of sex in a relationship, inevitable as it may be, can be more harmful to one partner than the other. The losing partner compensates by finding fault in some way with the one cutting off access to the sex. A sort of reverse Lysistrata.
I'm sure you both cut each other slack and it's hard to see when in the midst of things. I'm sure you will work it out somehow. At least you're still together, which reminds me that maybe the whole idea of breaking up with someone who does not fill all your needs is akin to staying lifelong with a partner who is the other half of a contracted union. Maybe arranged marriages, for whatever reason, aren't so bad after all. Familiarity often breeds conviviality, probably more often than it breeds contempt, when each cuts the other a bit of slack.
Dear Jacky -- More than once I've found myself thinking, "at least we're still together" -- wondering if that, in fact, IS enough. Especially when, at crucial moments, I bridle at her not "cutting me slack"... (I may wish I hadn't found my way to THAT expression.)
Your phrase "compensat[ing] by finding fault..." picks up my basic point. I KNOW I get little credit from her for, in effect, putting up with no sex. Admittedly, I HAVE worked out reasonably good coping mechanisms, including sex-bloggery (or whatever we ALL think it is that we're doing here).
But I do like your formula, "familiarity often breeds conviviality..." That IS why I stick around, and I'm pretty sure it's her main reason for remaining committed to US.
I often wonder if we aren't too quick to give the shove to relationships for minor concerns, like the lack of sex. Relationships are about so much more. We need to weigh the whole relationship and find some way to cope, or at least negotiate, with what is lacking.
That being said and me being twice divorced, I do not think that getting out of a relationship for physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse is a bad thing, especially as it relates to the children. I do see the benefit of staying in a marriage until the kids become adults, but not at the cost of damage to the self, or the kids. It's a tightrope sometimes, but deciding what is best for all is the best ruler for deciding when to end a relationship -- and for keeping one.
Dear Jackie: You're certainly onto the deeper issue regarding me and Joanne. GOOD reasons to end something are (or ought to be) damned few, and they're by implication fraught with awfulness -- "physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse" pretty much covers them.
I'm sorry to hear YOU had just such grounds for both your divorces. Knowing you to be sooo resilient, I can only imagine they were terribly abusive.
I am a bad judge of male character when it comes to picking mates. Let's just say that my choices were worse than I ever thought they could be at first and my only choice was to get out while I still could.
It was good that you had the strength to make such breaks.
I do sometimes feel as if I should have called it quits 10-15 years ago. There were, shall we say, opportunities where it would have been minimally harmful to both...
But... it was best for us to keep trying. It came to represent our better characters -- um, sticking with it convinced us that it was "right"... that's kinda circular, I know...
Well, I see it was the right thing now, but I was nervous about it then. I had 3 small boys and was over 2000 miles from my home and family back in Ohio.
I've found that most people will wait until they have someone else before they make the break. Sort of bird in the hand versus bird in the bush -- or the aether -- kind of decision. It makes them feel like they aren't jumping off into the unknown. I know it has been true for many of my relatives and friends. It just wasn't for me.
I'm a selfish person. I value my life and my freedom -- and I know when it's time to leave the party.
Thanks, Jackie, for the further background. You really had a tough situation, especially with kids. Was the guy physically abusive, or the passive-aggressive sort? Ooh, not that I mean to pry... Just empathizing from what I know about partners, mainly women of course
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If you have sensed a reluctance to be specific about the type of abuse I suffered, you are quite right. The point was not to be specific. That's not comment on your obvious curiosity, just me not wanting to drag it all out again. Yes, it was physical and almost to the point of serious damage and even my own death, though it was not what he intended, just what happens when someone loses control
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Jackie, that was a truly excellent series of reactions to my message, including rightfully getting us past the abuse question.
(Even while putting it into context of your subsequent involvement in D/s and bondage/discipline, requiring "...a long time to get there." I likewise needed a certain time to appreciate what Joanne brought to US in terms of domination.)
Likewise, you effectively pointed out that "no one can be everything to another person without some tempering in the fires, and sometimes not even then." We've certainly had the tempering -- and I'd like to hope it's improved us...
I hope your recent relationship(s?) gained much from a similar process. I certainly appreciate your support as I make my way...
I imagine that my relationships have prospered in a way since I decided some time ago that personal male-female (in my case) relationships are not worth my time and effort and took men off the menu. I have more time for the things that matter: work, writing, and art. My life is much more content and easier to live and my blood pressure stays at a safer and healthier level.
I remember the passion, but I'm not all that interested in jumping back into another passionate fight with anyone any more. Contentment does not always have to mean romantically contented, but simply contented with my life. I don't need much to make me happy and relationships, at least the ones I've been a part of, have seldom made me happy or content for long. The single hermit life for me. Until man be made of some better stuff than earth.
VERY persuasive response, Jackie! I suspect that, for many of us, it would be lots simpler to "hermit out." (I'm not all THAT far from it, at least in sexual terms; yet, like you, I suspect I'm happier with no expectations of sex with Joanne -- the rest of the minor tensions in the relationship aren't that hard to handle.)
Very likely since the minor tensions often proceed from the struggle over sex. I find I prefer my own company to the company of liars, cheats, and cons, which is what most men and most relationships end up being where there is a power struggle. I like being on top and controlling who ends up in the wet spot.
Darling Jackie: You speak of "most men" as though they were your only real alternative. But have you ever thought of a woman for an intimate relationship -- sexually and, heck, intellectually a lot more satisfying? And an improvement on "liars, cheats, and cons," in most circumstances.
I know we've talked about lesbians a year or two ago; sadly, I've forgot just where you stand. (My loss, I know...)
While I enjoy my women friends, I'm definitely not into the loving and having sex with my women friends -- or any women. I'm strictly heterosexual and prefer the wizard's wand to the sorceress's cave.
I'm sure you both cut each other slack and it's hard to see when in the midst of things. I'm sure you will work it out somehow. At least you're still together, which reminds me that maybe the whole idea of breaking up with someone who does not fill all your needs is akin to staying lifelong with a partner who is the other half of a contracted union. Maybe arranged marriages, for whatever reason, aren't so bad after all. Familiarity often breeds conviviality, probably more often than it breeds contempt, when each cuts the other a bit of slack.
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Your phrase "compensat[ing] by finding fault..." picks up my basic point. I KNOW I get little credit from her for, in effect, putting up with no sex. Admittedly, I HAVE worked out reasonably good coping mechanisms, including sex-bloggery (or whatever we ALL think it is that we're doing here).
But I do like your formula, "familiarity often breeds conviviality..." That IS why I stick around, and I'm pretty sure it's her main reason for remaining committed to US.
Thanks so much...
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That being said and me being twice divorced, I do not think that getting out of a relationship for physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse is a bad thing, especially as it relates to the children. I do see the benefit of staying in a marriage until the kids become adults, but not at the cost of damage to the self, or the kids. It's a tightrope sometimes, but deciding what is best for all is the best ruler for deciding when to end a relationship -- and for keeping one.
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You're certainly onto the deeper issue regarding me and Joanne. GOOD reasons to end something are (or ought to be) damned few, and they're by implication fraught with awfulness -- "physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse" pretty much covers them.
I'm sorry to hear YOU had just such grounds for both your divorces. Knowing you to be sooo resilient, I can only imagine they were terribly abusive.
Kisses, J
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I do sometimes feel as if I should have called it quits 10-15 years ago. There were, shall we say, opportunities where it would have been minimally harmful to both...
But... it was best for us to keep trying. It came to represent our better characters -- um, sticking with it convinced us that it was "right"... that's kinda circular, I know...
Reply
I've found that most people will wait until they have someone else before they make the break. Sort of bird in the hand versus bird in the bush -- or the aether -- kind of decision. It makes them feel like they aren't jumping off into the unknown. I know it has been true for many of my relatives and friends. It just wasn't for me.
I'm a selfish person. I value my life and my freedom -- and I know when it's time to leave the party.
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(Even while putting it into context of your subsequent involvement in D/s and bondage/discipline, requiring "...a long time to get there." I likewise needed a certain time to appreciate what Joanne brought to US in terms of domination.)
Likewise, you effectively pointed out that "no one can be everything to another person without some tempering in the fires, and sometimes not even then." We've certainly had the tempering -- and I'd like to hope it's improved us...
I hope your recent relationship(s?) gained much from a similar process. I certainly appreciate your support as I make my way...
Kisses, J
Reply
I remember the passion, but I'm not all that interested in jumping back into another passionate fight with anyone any more. Contentment does not always have to mean romantically contented, but simply contented with my life. I don't need much to make me happy and relationships, at least the ones I've been a part of, have seldom made me happy or content for long. The single hermit life for me. Until man be made of some better stuff than earth.
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I know we've talked about lesbians a year or two ago; sadly, I've forgot just where you stand. (My loss, I know...)
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