cooking like a cook.
yesterday I made the first part of my manhattan cheesecake. I have to do the second part (the coolie) later today or tomorrow morning but that should be ok to do. I think.
Just came back from counseling too. This is possibly one of the best councilors I've seen over the years (and I've been through a few) cos as I said in previous posts he's very world-traveled, and he's done almost a decade of work with the drugs & alcohol side of counseling/addiction so he's very understanding and positive and not like some people who just told me to go out and drink my problems away.
true story that one.
He believes that the majority of my demons come from my shame when I was growing up. I know why this was, i think it's a combination of many things during my formative years, nothing to do with my family but I think to do with my highschool/dysfluency/transgenic feelings that kinda made me something other than what I should have been.
I.e> an upstanding, positive, normal human being.
I was talking to my flatmate on tuesday evening, just prior to bedtime (we're both NHS workers, 8 hours during the week is kinda mandatory) standing in front of her full length mirror going "I look like a girl".
Pause.
"Dee, you are a girl" comes the baffled reply from the bed.
"I know" I say, turning trying to see my 'good side'. The fact that I'm wearing sweats and a navy hoodie is irrelevant at this point. in my eyes I'm still 'not quite right'.
Now, for those of you who know/have seen me you must be going WTF?
and this is why i'm in therapy at the moment. It's not a question of any part of my non-mainstream personality causing these problems, its something deeper rooted than that. Whatever that "person" in work said she blew the lid off something deeper than lifestyle choice or religion.
I don't know how to feel about this epiphany?
Pleased? empowered? frightened?
all of the above more like.
Or focusing more on the ability to live my life, I don't know how to feel about this epiphany AND still hold down a 37.5 hr working week in a trauma OR.
Cos it seems to me the two states of being are not mutually inclusive.
So guys who know me. It's official. I Have Issues. Sorry.
Just came back from counseling too. This is possibly one of the best councilors I've seen over the years (and I've been through a few) cos as I said in previous posts he's very world-traveled, and he's done almost a decade of work with the drugs & alcohol side of counseling/addiction so he's very understanding and positive and not like some people who just told me to go out and drink my problems away.
true story that one.
He believes that the majority of my demons come from my shame when I was growing up. I know why this was, i think it's a combination of many things during my formative years, nothing to do with my family but I think to do with my highschool/dysfluency/transgenic feelings that kinda made me something other than what I should have been.
I.e> an upstanding, positive, normal human being.
I was talking to my flatmate on tuesday evening, just prior to bedtime (we're both NHS workers, 8 hours during the week is kinda mandatory) standing in front of her full length mirror going "I look like a girl".
Pause.
"Dee, you are a girl" comes the baffled reply from the bed.
"I know" I say, turning trying to see my 'good side'. The fact that I'm wearing sweats and a navy hoodie is irrelevant at this point. in my eyes I'm still 'not quite right'.
Now, for those of you who know/have seen me you must be going WTF?
and this is why i'm in therapy at the moment. It's not a question of any part of my non-mainstream personality causing these problems, its something deeper rooted than that. Whatever that "person" in work said she blew the lid off something deeper than lifestyle choice or religion.
I don't know how to feel about this epiphany?
Pleased? empowered? frightened?
all of the above more like.
Or focusing more on the ability to live my life, I don't know how to feel about this epiphany AND still hold down a 37.5 hr working week in a trauma OR.
Cos it seems to me the two states of being are not mutually inclusive.
So guys who know me. It's official. I Have Issues. Sorry.