grounded
I just took a psych exam. For once I walked out of there with the possibility of doing well. Now I'm sitting in Washington Square Park by Pete+Elsa. My body feels sick from lack of sleep but there's an overlying sense of relief in the air.
I turned 20 yesterday. The most cliche thing you could ask is, how does it feel? It feels like yesterday in the same sense that every day feels like yesterday except a little different. The night before my birthday, I fell asleep doing a stats assignment with Nicco. He finished mine for me and told me I'd wake up to something nice. When I went to wash my face in the morning, I realized he has slipped a ring on my finger when I was sleeping. He said it was to replace the matching electrical tape ones I had made for us. I studied for my psych exam most of yesterday but Nicco took me to Little Italy for dinner too. I watched him sleep as I laid in his bed studying into daybreak.
Overall, I'm feeling more grounded these days. I saw Derek last weekend for the first time since the summer. It was nice because he's one of the sweetest guys I know, but for the first time it felt different. I haven't actually wanted to be with him for a long time but it was still always comforting to be in his presence. This time, I couldn't even recognize his smell, something that always seemed familiar no matter how long we'd been away from each other. I feel like a completely different person since I last knew him. It's like we both are. When he hugged me, I touched his face for a moment and it felt unnatural, Ike that type of affection was no longer for him in any way. Maybe it was because I was high, but I think it was a combination of additional factors. Like the fact that he's disappeared to many times to the point where I feel like I only know a ghost of him and I'm really in love with someone else. He's a good guy and I don't want him to disappear again but I feel content where we left off now. It was always strange for me because I felt wrong for not wanting to e with someone who treated me so well and who I was able to love.
The semester's coming to an end and I couldn't be more grateful. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to be doing for a job or if I can go on the road trip or if I have to take classes, but I want to feel free. Things have been better with Nicco lately. I haven't broken down about our situation in several weeks now. I actually still think about it a lot and get urges to bring it up but I don't. When I walk down the street I'm always afraid that I'll see her though I never do. I don't even know what I'd do. Scream. I want to rip out my hair anytime I hear the name Amanda. I guess I'm okay now, but only because I have to be.
I turned 20 yesterday. The most cliche thing you could ask is, how does it feel? It feels like yesterday in the same sense that every day feels like yesterday except a little different. The night before my birthday, I fell asleep doing a stats assignment with Nicco. He finished mine for me and told me I'd wake up to something nice. When I went to wash my face in the morning, I realized he has slipped a ring on my finger when I was sleeping. He said it was to replace the matching electrical tape ones I had made for us. I studied for my psych exam most of yesterday but Nicco took me to Little Italy for dinner too. I watched him sleep as I laid in his bed studying into daybreak.
Overall, I'm feeling more grounded these days. I saw Derek last weekend for the first time since the summer. It was nice because he's one of the sweetest guys I know, but for the first time it felt different. I haven't actually wanted to be with him for a long time but it was still always comforting to be in his presence. This time, I couldn't even recognize his smell, something that always seemed familiar no matter how long we'd been away from each other. I feel like a completely different person since I last knew him. It's like we both are. When he hugged me, I touched his face for a moment and it felt unnatural, Ike that type of affection was no longer for him in any way. Maybe it was because I was high, but I think it was a combination of additional factors. Like the fact that he's disappeared to many times to the point where I feel like I only know a ghost of him and I'm really in love with someone else. He's a good guy and I don't want him to disappear again but I feel content where we left off now. It was always strange for me because I felt wrong for not wanting to e with someone who treated me so well and who I was able to love.
The semester's coming to an end and I couldn't be more grateful. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to be doing for a job or if I can go on the road trip or if I have to take classes, but I want to feel free. Things have been better with Nicco lately. I haven't broken down about our situation in several weeks now. I actually still think about it a lot and get urges to bring it up but I don't. When I walk down the street I'm always afraid that I'll see her though I never do. I don't even know what I'd do. Scream. I want to rip out my hair anytime I hear the name Amanda. I guess I'm okay now, but only because I have to be.