Tokyo report or not or whatever I don't know.
So I lay on my back with my hands behind my head and stare at my white, clean ceiling, wishing it was covered in Ralph Lauren paint and not someting less expensive...
Today I hung out with Mikito, Bun and Wataru after I had gone shopping with Martin and Ken who are here from Sweden on vacation. We made it 4 hours then I had to go home. I am sorry, especially Mikito I am sorry that I can't stop snapping at Wataru and that he can't stop being rude to me back but there's just too much shit left between us and hidden anger to be honest that it just keeps boiling up. And the moments when he looks up at me without glaring or saying something it really stabs me right in the heart that someone who has such an important title in my life makes me so angry I could just KILL him. But still I love him so much. UGH it's like an inner conflict, no it IS an inner conflict and it's driving me insane. It's not that I want him back the way I once had him. I just want to be able to look straightly at him, tell him how much I miss him and actually feel it.
So I spent some time today trying to talk to Ta. I really miss the old him and really dislike this new thing he's trying to pull. Acting all badass.. and it's not even good. I am not wanting to be mean I just wish he'd realize that I'm not the only one thinking that it's getting pathetic and hurtful. I guess he'll notice when he lose friends? Bleh I don't mean to be harsh.. whatever.. I just remember when he used to be so much fun and made me crush on him so badly.
Zen mentioned that I've been acting weird lately, asking me if the humidity was affecting my mood. Well I feel bad now. That I've changed cause.. if it was just a phase then I would feel it, but it's not I can feel I've just changed. Zen didn't directly say it out loud that it was bad, which he usually does, but he didn't reassure me that it wasn't either.. just said it's not so bad and that he'd get used to it.. doesn't sound like it was good either. But then we had to drop it cause we always do because of all the crap we're always doing. I don't know though really what he means with different... I just miss him a lot these days. And I am so in love. I don't think I'm being weird about it though, am I ever? No, not really. I just refuse to be ashamed like I used to be, ashamed that I like someone as much as I do like him. Because it's not something bad. I love him so much, in a real way, so it's not fake like so many others and therefore I refuse to hush hush. I'm just scared he's gonna leave.. in that way he does.
I DROPPED MY PASMO CARDO TODAY. And I was so sad because of that. Fuck that was 13 000 yen right in the trash but then when I got home after trying to look at it in Harajuku, I called JR but with no luck, THEN I called Shibuya station and no luck there.. THEN I called the police office which is right at Shibuya station and someone had turned it in! Gosh I've missed the japanese people. ; ; ! I am gonna pick it up tomorrow on my way to school. I am so happy. Happy, happy, happy that my PASMO cardo is back :3 ~
And I did do great shopping today, I found both jeans and sweaters and a shirt. Also a pair of shoes that I'll go back to get in a few days when I know what color I need them to be. Gosh I really don't like shopping at all. Oh no I don't. Nope, nope, noooope.
I have to go to bed now before my head dies and EXPLODES.
for you, daijoubu ~
Today I hung out with Mikito, Bun and Wataru after I had gone shopping with Martin and Ken who are here from Sweden on vacation. We made it 4 hours then I had to go home. I am sorry, especially Mikito I am sorry that I can't stop snapping at Wataru and that he can't stop being rude to me back but there's just too much shit left between us and hidden anger to be honest that it just keeps boiling up. And the moments when he looks up at me without glaring or saying something it really stabs me right in the heart that someone who has such an important title in my life makes me so angry I could just KILL him. But still I love him so much. UGH it's like an inner conflict, no it IS an inner conflict and it's driving me insane. It's not that I want him back the way I once had him. I just want to be able to look straightly at him, tell him how much I miss him and actually feel it.
So I spent some time today trying to talk to Ta. I really miss the old him and really dislike this new thing he's trying to pull. Acting all badass.. and it's not even good. I am not wanting to be mean I just wish he'd realize that I'm not the only one thinking that it's getting pathetic and hurtful. I guess he'll notice when he lose friends? Bleh I don't mean to be harsh.. whatever.. I just remember when he used to be so much fun and made me crush on him so badly.
Zen mentioned that I've been acting weird lately, asking me if the humidity was affecting my mood. Well I feel bad now. That I've changed cause.. if it was just a phase then I would feel it, but it's not I can feel I've just changed. Zen didn't directly say it out loud that it was bad, which he usually does, but he didn't reassure me that it wasn't either.. just said it's not so bad and that he'd get used to it.. doesn't sound like it was good either. But then we had to drop it cause we always do because of all the crap we're always doing. I don't know though really what he means with different... I just miss him a lot these days. And I am so in love. I don't think I'm being weird about it though, am I ever? No, not really. I just refuse to be ashamed like I used to be, ashamed that I like someone as much as I do like him. Because it's not something bad. I love him so much, in a real way, so it's not fake like so many others and therefore I refuse to hush hush. I'm just scared he's gonna leave.. in that way he does.
I DROPPED MY PASMO CARDO TODAY. And I was so sad because of that. Fuck that was 13 000 yen right in the trash but then when I got home after trying to look at it in Harajuku, I called JR but with no luck, THEN I called Shibuya station and no luck there.. THEN I called the police office which is right at Shibuya station and someone had turned it in! Gosh I've missed the japanese people. ; ; ! I am gonna pick it up tomorrow on my way to school. I am so happy. Happy, happy, happy that my PASMO cardo is back :3 ~
And I did do great shopping today, I found both jeans and sweaters and a shirt. Also a pair of shoes that I'll go back to get in a few days when I know what color I need them to be. Gosh I really don't like shopping at all. Oh no I don't. Nope, nope, noooope.
I have to go to bed now before my head dies and EXPLODES.
for you, daijoubu ~