I Really Do Hate Christmas
I really do hate Christmas.
I hate the gift giving. It's not that I don't like to give gifts, I just hate the pressure and expectation associated with it. If I want to get something for someone, I want to get it for them regardless of the time of year or whatever. I hate the sense of obligation, I guess. I am more appreciative of time and experiences more than actual gifts.
I'm at a stage in my life where materialistically, I am content. really. I don't have immediate needs nor wants. Even the things that I do want are constantly getting pushed back with little to no detriment to my life! I hate having too much stuff. Right now, I am planning a big shopping trip to Shoppers so I can get points. That's stuff, so I guess I should clarify. I like useful and practical things. These things on my list are things we've run out of. It's stuff like handsoap, and epsom salts...
I also get anxious from all the social engagements. xX'''''
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I just realized that Lawrence died 8 months ago today. It feels like such a far away thing now. Like the actuality of it all is almost completely removed to me now that it feels like he's really just away on a trip or something, and not actually dead. God. Even just writing that felt so wrong, like I actually felt dirty for writing it; like how could I be making that joke but really, it's just the truth, just a matter of fact. I actually feel guilty for feeling this way. It's easy for me to think this way because that's what it's been like between us. He was there and I was here and we knew it and it was enough. Oh, but what about his family? Everyday they feel the hole each time he doesn't come home at the end of the day.
The case is still on going and to be completely honest, I've detached my brain from the whole thing because it just hurts so much to think about. I know it's a process, and there's a system. I've been distanced enough that I've been fine, really. But sometimes, like now, it hits me that he's really gone. Really really gone. And I still am not sure what to call the reaction because it's just so immense.
Is it stupid that I can't stop thinking about Christmas really without him? This would be the first.
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Too much heartache. Had to read reddit to distract myself.
__
Today, I had a massive migraine. I just suffered through it. I was reading wattpad stories on the couch. We had pasta and quesadillas for dinner, then Steve, Dan and I played Diablo. Daniel also talked to Fern today when he went back to their house to let her in because she lost her keys.
---
Yesterday was 12/13/14 and likely the last sequential date in our lifetime. Steve took me for dinner and a movie. We saw Interstellar and had Chicken at that relatively new chicken place by Chinook called Ogam Chicken. It's kind of like Korean fusion and used to be a sushi place. Daniel picked us up from the theater after the movie, and then we played Diablo. Steve also got CDs and I will be packing them for his Christmas gift.
I hate the gift giving. It's not that I don't like to give gifts, I just hate the pressure and expectation associated with it. If I want to get something for someone, I want to get it for them regardless of the time of year or whatever. I hate the sense of obligation, I guess. I am more appreciative of time and experiences more than actual gifts.
I'm at a stage in my life where materialistically, I am content. really. I don't have immediate needs nor wants. Even the things that I do want are constantly getting pushed back with little to no detriment to my life! I hate having too much stuff. Right now, I am planning a big shopping trip to Shoppers so I can get points. That's stuff, so I guess I should clarify. I like useful and practical things. These things on my list are things we've run out of. It's stuff like handsoap, and epsom salts...
I also get anxious from all the social engagements. xX'''''
----
I just realized that Lawrence died 8 months ago today. It feels like such a far away thing now. Like the actuality of it all is almost completely removed to me now that it feels like he's really just away on a trip or something, and not actually dead. God. Even just writing that felt so wrong, like I actually felt dirty for writing it; like how could I be making that joke but really, it's just the truth, just a matter of fact. I actually feel guilty for feeling this way. It's easy for me to think this way because that's what it's been like between us. He was there and I was here and we knew it and it was enough. Oh, but what about his family? Everyday they feel the hole each time he doesn't come home at the end of the day.
The case is still on going and to be completely honest, I've detached my brain from the whole thing because it just hurts so much to think about. I know it's a process, and there's a system. I've been distanced enough that I've been fine, really. But sometimes, like now, it hits me that he's really gone. Really really gone. And I still am not sure what to call the reaction because it's just so immense.
Is it stupid that I can't stop thinking about Christmas really without him? This would be the first.
---
Too much heartache. Had to read reddit to distract myself.
__
Today, I had a massive migraine. I just suffered through it. I was reading wattpad stories on the couch. We had pasta and quesadillas for dinner, then Steve, Dan and I played Diablo. Daniel also talked to Fern today when he went back to their house to let her in because she lost her keys.
---
Yesterday was 12/13/14 and likely the last sequential date in our lifetime. Steve took me for dinner and a movie. We saw Interstellar and had Chicken at that relatively new chicken place by Chinook called Ogam Chicken. It's kind of like Korean fusion and used to be a sushi place. Daniel picked us up from the theater after the movie, and then we played Diablo. Steve also got CDs and I will be packing them for his Christmas gift.