UGH!!!! This isn't good.
I just tried to lay down a lil while ago. it'd been a long night for me. well about a half hour after i lay down i feel like i'm gonna puke... wtf? so i quick get up, get ready to run to the bathroom and have a not so nice talk with the toilet, and the feeling goes away. my stomach's still upset, but i don't feel like pukey... interesting. maybe it's stress....or really bad gas. either way, i don't know. i know i feel alright. i'm not feverish or anything like that... very intersting. so yeah. i'm sittin here watching my DVD Ripper work on Fooly Cooly that i barrowed from Joe, and i got Boondock Saints downloading in the background. Super multi-tasking here.
Been thinking an awful lot about my daughter as of late. Course, it has been sense before chirstmas sense i've talked to her. i have money put away for child support and whatnot, which is really tough on me cause there's always the tempation of taking it and blowing it on something i don't need. but, i'm being a good boi and not doin that cause i know sara needs the money. But, i can help but feel this deep pit of worrie about Rhiannon. I know i haven't been the greatest father, and it eats me alive every fucking day like a plague. The more I think about it, the more i just want to gouge my eyes out with a wooden spoon. Yeah, i'm really don't hold a high oppinion about myself in this situation...it's all my fault too...i could have stayed in SC when rhiannon was first born and stayed with her and took kare of her, and everything that comes along with it. I could have been a man and stood up for myself when sara asked me to leave. i could have stayed...i could be a father....a dad....a person that my daughter needs in her fucking life, and i happen to not be in it cause i'm more than 800 fucking miles away!!! I'm just at a total loss of what to do. i know when i tried to call a while back, sara's phone had been disconnected, and to make things worse is i don't remember ANY of her relitive's names or numbers or where they life. I know her grandma's and her dad's but i have no clue where they are. i'm just so lost. I've tried to everything that i could to be a good father. i try to everything that i'm suppose to do. i try so fucking hard. i push myself more and more each day. i push myself to try to what is right, and in the end i'm still fucking everything up, like i did in the beginning. if only i could find them, and get a hold of them, and see how everything is going, and get an address so i can send some damn money and not feel so much like a fucking deadbeat father that i am. maybe then i wouldn't feel like such shit! But no....i let my feelings guide my actions, i chose to do stupid shit all the time... i don't do what is right anymore. i'm nothing more than a fuckup. well....that's what it feels like, at least, that's what it feels like when it comes to my daughter. i don't know what to do. i feel like shit. sometimes i think maybe my daughter would be better off without me.... but then again i couldn't do that cause i planted the lil floaty spermy things, i made her, now it's my responsibility to take care of her like i'm suppose to. but how am i suppose to take care of someone when i don't even know where the fuck they are???? how do i send money to someone when i don't even know where they are. i've thought about like 1,000,000 different options that i could do to get the money to them and in the long run i end up at a dead end.
whatever....i'm juss gonna stop...my words don't matter....it'd not gonna change anything....and not gonna fix anything...it's juss making me feel worse...
[Pheonix]
Been thinking an awful lot about my daughter as of late. Course, it has been sense before chirstmas sense i've talked to her. i have money put away for child support and whatnot, which is really tough on me cause there's always the tempation of taking it and blowing it on something i don't need. but, i'm being a good boi and not doin that cause i know sara needs the money. But, i can help but feel this deep pit of worrie about Rhiannon. I know i haven't been the greatest father, and it eats me alive every fucking day like a plague. The more I think about it, the more i just want to gouge my eyes out with a wooden spoon. Yeah, i'm really don't hold a high oppinion about myself in this situation...it's all my fault too...i could have stayed in SC when rhiannon was first born and stayed with her and took kare of her, and everything that comes along with it. I could have been a man and stood up for myself when sara asked me to leave. i could have stayed...i could be a father....a dad....a person that my daughter needs in her fucking life, and i happen to not be in it cause i'm more than 800 fucking miles away!!! I'm just at a total loss of what to do. i know when i tried to call a while back, sara's phone had been disconnected, and to make things worse is i don't remember ANY of her relitive's names or numbers or where they life. I know her grandma's and her dad's but i have no clue where they are. i'm just so lost. I've tried to everything that i could to be a good father. i try to everything that i'm suppose to do. i try so fucking hard. i push myself more and more each day. i push myself to try to what is right, and in the end i'm still fucking everything up, like i did in the beginning. if only i could find them, and get a hold of them, and see how everything is going, and get an address so i can send some damn money and not feel so much like a fucking deadbeat father that i am. maybe then i wouldn't feel like such shit! But no....i let my feelings guide my actions, i chose to do stupid shit all the time... i don't do what is right anymore. i'm nothing more than a fuckup. well....that's what it feels like, at least, that's what it feels like when it comes to my daughter. i don't know what to do. i feel like shit. sometimes i think maybe my daughter would be better off without me.... but then again i couldn't do that cause i planted the lil floaty spermy things, i made her, now it's my responsibility to take care of her like i'm suppose to. but how am i suppose to take care of someone when i don't even know where the fuck they are???? how do i send money to someone when i don't even know where they are. i've thought about like 1,000,000 different options that i could do to get the money to them and in the long run i end up at a dead end.
whatever....i'm juss gonna stop...my words don't matter....it'd not gonna change anything....and not gonna fix anything...it's juss making me feel worse...
[Pheonix]