Private - Not Okay
I feel like I'm supposed to be happy these days. Many moments I am. When I'm not thinking about everything. When it's just me and Brian. It feels simple then. Like I'm heading in the right direction. But...but can I just be oblivious to everything else? Can I just be in the moment?
I don't know.
I want to be. I want to believe him that we can make it work. And then I think of Nick. Not while I'm with Brian (unless he brings it up like last night), but I do think about him sometimes. I miss him. It was always fun. Yes, I freaked out about him caring about me as much as he seemed to...but I liked being around him. And I liked being around Brian.
There...with Nick, we got along so well. We had chemistry and we laughed and had fun. He was sweet. I think I was needing sweet and fun at that point.
And then Brian happened. I used him that first night to get my thoughts off of Nick, and what I had begun feeling for him. It was wrong, yes. But from what I knew of Brian, a one night stand with him would have been easy. Then he went and told me he wanted more, and made me start thinking of the possibilities. I had a date with him and a...semi date...and all the sudden, I had two guys in my life that I wanted. Two guys that wanted to be with me more seriously than I wanted. So what did I do? I pushed them both away.
I seemed to think I could fix myself that way. And...I think I started to...I was getting somewhere...and I screwed up. Another moment of desperation and fear and depression, and I slept with Brian again. There was just something that came over me that night. This intense pull to him that I hadn't noticed before. A need to just be with him. And when I heard about him sleeping with that other woman...I felt insane jealousy. Which was stupid. I had no right to that.
And it came down to this pull I feel to Brian, this intensity...and sweet, kind, Nick who just makes me feel good. He makes me smile and laugh and feel...comfortable. Pull versus comfort.
I went for the pull. Maybe it wasn't smart. Pull doesn't always last. Pull can be dangerous. Pull has a baby. I knew this coming into it, but it's only recently hit me how serious that is. He has a small child. I wasn't ready for baby talk. I wasn't ready for the talk on what I feel about abortion. I don't know what I feel about abortion, and I don't know what would happen if I unexpectedly got pregnant. I've never wanted a child of my own. Well no, that's a lie. With Kevin. Right before things started going downhill, I started thinking, “Maybe one day...” But one day. And then when Kevin left, he took any desire I had for children with him. I don't want to be a mother. Brian is a father and wants more kids one day. Where will that leave us down the road? God! See? Now he's got me saying all of this too soon. It's too soon to be talking about this! But my point is, why should we get involved if it's obviously not going to work?
I can't pretend like I know how to deal with kids. I couldn't even make it through one night of helping Alex babysit Isa. I bailed. Because that's what I do. I bail. I will never be mother material, I'll never know how to...take care of a child like it needs. Everyone expects women to just know these things, but I don't. I don't know why. I can take care of Pup just fine. I love my nephew to death. I can hang around Danny's kids. I even had an okay afternoon with Alex's nephew. But in general? It's not me. So why should I keep up with Brian?
Maybe I wasn't ready to get back into anything with him. I shouldn't have. But as soon as I see his face, and feel his arms around me...and we're in that Moment of there being nothing else around us...I forget. I forget and I don't care.
I don't know what I'm doing to him, to me...and I still miss Nick. What the hell is wrong with me? When will I figure out how to just live my life and not screw it all up?
I don't know.
I want to be. I want to believe him that we can make it work. And then I think of Nick. Not while I'm with Brian (unless he brings it up like last night), but I do think about him sometimes. I miss him. It was always fun. Yes, I freaked out about him caring about me as much as he seemed to...but I liked being around him. And I liked being around Brian.
There...with Nick, we got along so well. We had chemistry and we laughed and had fun. He was sweet. I think I was needing sweet and fun at that point.
And then Brian happened. I used him that first night to get my thoughts off of Nick, and what I had begun feeling for him. It was wrong, yes. But from what I knew of Brian, a one night stand with him would have been easy. Then he went and told me he wanted more, and made me start thinking of the possibilities. I had a date with him and a...semi date...and all the sudden, I had two guys in my life that I wanted. Two guys that wanted to be with me more seriously than I wanted. So what did I do? I pushed them both away.
I seemed to think I could fix myself that way. And...I think I started to...I was getting somewhere...and I screwed up. Another moment of desperation and fear and depression, and I slept with Brian again. There was just something that came over me that night. This intense pull to him that I hadn't noticed before. A need to just be with him. And when I heard about him sleeping with that other woman...I felt insane jealousy. Which was stupid. I had no right to that.
And it came down to this pull I feel to Brian, this intensity...and sweet, kind, Nick who just makes me feel good. He makes me smile and laugh and feel...comfortable. Pull versus comfort.
I went for the pull. Maybe it wasn't smart. Pull doesn't always last. Pull can be dangerous. Pull has a baby. I knew this coming into it, but it's only recently hit me how serious that is. He has a small child. I wasn't ready for baby talk. I wasn't ready for the talk on what I feel about abortion. I don't know what I feel about abortion, and I don't know what would happen if I unexpectedly got pregnant. I've never wanted a child of my own. Well no, that's a lie. With Kevin. Right before things started going downhill, I started thinking, “Maybe one day...” But one day. And then when Kevin left, he took any desire I had for children with him. I don't want to be a mother. Brian is a father and wants more kids one day. Where will that leave us down the road? God! See? Now he's got me saying all of this too soon. It's too soon to be talking about this! But my point is, why should we get involved if it's obviously not going to work?
I can't pretend like I know how to deal with kids. I couldn't even make it through one night of helping Alex babysit Isa. I bailed. Because that's what I do. I bail. I will never be mother material, I'll never know how to...take care of a child like it needs. Everyone expects women to just know these things, but I don't. I don't know why. I can take care of Pup just fine. I love my nephew to death. I can hang around Danny's kids. I even had an okay afternoon with Alex's nephew. But in general? It's not me. So why should I keep up with Brian?
Maybe I wasn't ready to get back into anything with him. I shouldn't have. But as soon as I see his face, and feel his arms around me...and we're in that Moment of there being nothing else around us...I forget. I forget and I don't care.
I don't know what I'm doing to him, to me...and I still miss Nick. What the hell is wrong with me? When will I figure out how to just live my life and not screw it all up?