{RP Moment} What's no longer left unsaid
It had been a few days since Liv had had to make the decision about Gladys’ baby at the hospital in the middle of the night, too soon after getting the paperwork granting her rights of Power of Attorney. She was still in shock, still reeling from guilt. Since Gladys Dalton had disappeared, Liv was going to have to come up with a name for the baby. She shouldn’t be the one to be doing this. She wasn’t the mother; it wasn’t right. Regardless, she had decided on the name. Alice.
In addition to the guilt and pain she was feeling over the decision she made early Saturday morning, unresolved feelings from her own miscarriage months earlier were starting to show through. She knew Josh was catching on them because she was catching onto his feelings about it too. It was something they hadn’t talked about. She’d told him on the phone call before Halloween that she’d been pregnant, but that she had the miscarriage. Then they never talked about it, never mentioned it or alluded to it in any way. Now it was sure to be inevitable.
Liv was pacing around the apartment, trying to avoid tripping over Athena, who was always around her feet, no matter where she was walking. As the smallest of the four cats, this usually turned out to be mildly disastrous, the potted plants suffering the most. Trying to get her mind to think of anything but heinous cases and dead babies was turning out to be impossible.
Sitting down and sort of curling up in the corner of the couch, she grabbed a throw pillow, hugging it to her chest and resting her chin on it. Taking deep breaths she tried to relax and clear her mind, but her mind wasn’t cooperating. Her mind and body were bringing up the memory of the miscarriage - the physicality of it, the pain, the confusion. Knowing it was just her body’s memories, it was all she could do not to scream out. But that didn’t stop her.
“Liv!” Josh yelled and raced over, kneeling in front of her in front of the couch. “Olivia!!”
She stopped screaming and just looked at him, tears rolling down her cheeks, onto the pillow she was threatening to rip apart she was grasping it so tightly.
“Liv,” Josh said calmly, “what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
All Liv could do was shake her head no. She tried to speak but her voice just got caught in her throat. She looked up at him and glanced around the room a little, taking deep breaths. Finally, she was able to squeak out, “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?” Josh laughed a little, smirking. “What do you have to be sorry for?”
“For screaming my head off like an idiot.”
“No, given everything that you’ve been going through lately, that’s totally understandable. First, the crazy Babs, then the case with the prostitute and her baby. And the call you had to make there…” His voice faded out and he looked down, unable to look her in the eye, his own guilt started to poke through.
Liv couldn’t look him in the eye either. She knew where this conversation was headed and she didn’t know if she was ready for it. Realizing he probably wasn’t really ready for it either and it was going to happen regardless if they were ready or not, she knew she had to say something. She just didn’t know what that something was supposed to be - or what it should be.
“Josh,” she said.
He looked up at her, his eyes wet with tears that had yet to fall. She reached out and wiped them away, cupping his face in her hands, then reaching for his hands, pulled him up to sit next to her on the couch.
“Liv,” Josh started to say, but she put her finger to his lips, quieting him.
“Please, let me speak.” She took a deep breath, looked down at their hands, which were joined together and her ring happened to catch the sun and sparkle at just the right instant. She smiled.
“Like I told you, when I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t want to tell you in a letter or a phone call. I contacted Cherry Point to see if I could set up some sort of web-cam chat with you, but they wouldn’t authorize it because I’m a civilian. I understood. You were doing your job, I had to get on with mine. I didn’t think things would happen the way they did, so I didn’t push with the officials at Cherry Point.
“Then a few weeks later, I started having some problems. Cramps and bleeding, but it was the weekend. I passed it off as nothing, it wasn’t severe and the bleeding was light. But late Sunday night things got worse and I knew that even if I had gone to the emergency center, there wasn’t anything they’d have been able to do to save the baby.”
Starting to cry, she stopped herself so she was able to breathe and remain calm. This was the first time the two of them had discussed it and it was thousands of times harder than she’d ever expected it to be. Josh reached up and wiped away her tears, leaned in and kissed her gently.
“I don’t blame you,” he said quietly. “I just… I just regret not being able to be here for you. For all of it. I wasn’t able to be there to be happy with you when you found out you were pregnant. And I wasn’t there to support you when your dream fell apart. I should have been there, Liv, and I’m so sorry I wasn’t. I’ll never forgive myself for that. Never.”
Liv looked at him and realized how much she loved him. She also realized that this had been tearing at him for months, just as it had at her, and he’d never said anything.
“You know,” she said, “you didn’t have to be strong over this for me.”
“It wasn’t just for you. I did it for both of us.”
In addition to the guilt and pain she was feeling over the decision she made early Saturday morning, unresolved feelings from her own miscarriage months earlier were starting to show through. She knew Josh was catching on them because she was catching onto his feelings about it too. It was something they hadn’t talked about. She’d told him on the phone call before Halloween that she’d been pregnant, but that she had the miscarriage. Then they never talked about it, never mentioned it or alluded to it in any way. Now it was sure to be inevitable.
Liv was pacing around the apartment, trying to avoid tripping over Athena, who was always around her feet, no matter where she was walking. As the smallest of the four cats, this usually turned out to be mildly disastrous, the potted plants suffering the most. Trying to get her mind to think of anything but heinous cases and dead babies was turning out to be impossible.
Sitting down and sort of curling up in the corner of the couch, she grabbed a throw pillow, hugging it to her chest and resting her chin on it. Taking deep breaths she tried to relax and clear her mind, but her mind wasn’t cooperating. Her mind and body were bringing up the memory of the miscarriage - the physicality of it, the pain, the confusion. Knowing it was just her body’s memories, it was all she could do not to scream out. But that didn’t stop her.
“Liv!” Josh yelled and raced over, kneeling in front of her in front of the couch. “Olivia!!”
She stopped screaming and just looked at him, tears rolling down her cheeks, onto the pillow she was threatening to rip apart she was grasping it so tightly.
“Liv,” Josh said calmly, “what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
All Liv could do was shake her head no. She tried to speak but her voice just got caught in her throat. She looked up at him and glanced around the room a little, taking deep breaths. Finally, she was able to squeak out, “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?” Josh laughed a little, smirking. “What do you have to be sorry for?”
“For screaming my head off like an idiot.”
“No, given everything that you’ve been going through lately, that’s totally understandable. First, the crazy Babs, then the case with the prostitute and her baby. And the call you had to make there…” His voice faded out and he looked down, unable to look her in the eye, his own guilt started to poke through.
Liv couldn’t look him in the eye either. She knew where this conversation was headed and she didn’t know if she was ready for it. Realizing he probably wasn’t really ready for it either and it was going to happen regardless if they were ready or not, she knew she had to say something. She just didn’t know what that something was supposed to be - or what it should be.
“Josh,” she said.
He looked up at her, his eyes wet with tears that had yet to fall. She reached out and wiped them away, cupping his face in her hands, then reaching for his hands, pulled him up to sit next to her on the couch.
“Liv,” Josh started to say, but she put her finger to his lips, quieting him.
“Please, let me speak.” She took a deep breath, looked down at their hands, which were joined together and her ring happened to catch the sun and sparkle at just the right instant. She smiled.
“Like I told you, when I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t want to tell you in a letter or a phone call. I contacted Cherry Point to see if I could set up some sort of web-cam chat with you, but they wouldn’t authorize it because I’m a civilian. I understood. You were doing your job, I had to get on with mine. I didn’t think things would happen the way they did, so I didn’t push with the officials at Cherry Point.
“Then a few weeks later, I started having some problems. Cramps and bleeding, but it was the weekend. I passed it off as nothing, it wasn’t severe and the bleeding was light. But late Sunday night things got worse and I knew that even if I had gone to the emergency center, there wasn’t anything they’d have been able to do to save the baby.”
Starting to cry, she stopped herself so she was able to breathe and remain calm. This was the first time the two of them had discussed it and it was thousands of times harder than she’d ever expected it to be. Josh reached up and wiped away her tears, leaned in and kissed her gently.
“I don’t blame you,” he said quietly. “I just… I just regret not being able to be here for you. For all of it. I wasn’t able to be there to be happy with you when you found out you were pregnant. And I wasn’t there to support you when your dream fell apart. I should have been there, Liv, and I’m so sorry I wasn’t. I’ll never forgive myself for that. Never.”
Liv looked at him and realized how much she loved him. She also realized that this had been tearing at him for months, just as it had at her, and he’d never said anything.
“You know,” she said, “you didn’t have to be strong over this for me.”
“It wasn’t just for you. I did it for both of us.”