(no subject)

[destructo]

I dont know how to say it but i am having some sort of crazy's breakdown andi am not even sure how i am even having this shit. I am only 20 years old and I havent even ever lived with a gal yet. My life is very incomplete, yet i am falling apart. And ill tell you one thing, Its almost as if my girlfriend dont care anymore about it, all she cares about is if ill talk to her or if ill keep warm, she is doing the same thing my mother does.. never looking under the skin!! I dont know how someone can get better int his state.. Over 24 hours no smoke!! I am super fucking pissed but i think the smoking isnt whats getting to me at the moment.. I still think this lady at movie gallery thinks i am a loser or maybe someone was talking to ngachi and i got screwed, ngachi has power and she cant tell people things and i know she talks about me behind my back, maybe not anymore but she has... so i know that no one around me is fully tward me.. its eigther a 80% or nothing ratio when it comes to gabe.. gabe is a bad guy so you know, people dont like bad guys, bad guys hurt people and hurt them selfs.. who ever said it was illegal to ruin your life slowly.. and push everyone away!?!? I dont see anything wrong with it.. I feeel like crying my head off or cuting myself like i used too, its like i have no friends anymore. I have a cousin, but he isnt going to understand me. no one would understand me for that matter, i am gone, i am on cloud 30.. and i will brake anyones face if they try and tell me my life is good. if my life was good, then why do i stress so much, why dont people tell me how to do thing, why do people act like i am nothing, hy does ngachis parents act like i am nothing, why am i nothing? this is all one big fucking ball of shit, i will make it all explode. you watch i will fuck it all up. i want to be something, so i go and get a fucking diploma, i feel like shit even more than i did before i got that shit. I wish i was dead. I wish i could stop this pain, i want my head to stop hurting.. I wish i could go see the deftones with ngachi but i know she wont like it, plus i dont need to take her anywhere, she will fidn her real man soon enough. maybe it will take me hurting us or destroying what we have but seriously. what do i have to offer? i have shit to offer and thats the truth!! what , i have like a taste in music to starve a billion of music.. i have no sence of humour, i am ugly as fuck and i am just a sour additude now. I hate everything and everyone, i mean dislike. WHy cant i just shed this pain, why cant i make it all go away.. "DRIVE ME FAR!" i wish i was little again. i wish i could start my life over again, i just wanted to be a good kid, and fuck you fuckers, fuck you all, i hate you all i wish the world would just blow up.. i want the world to scream in pain, i want everyone to know how i feel you mother fuckers.. why cant friends i make stay my friend? everyone i become friends with stop talking to me and ignore me now. Chris dont even have respect for me no more, why would he, why would he have timefor a loser? i am a big fucking loser, i hope chris is enjoying his life, i wish i was something better. i want to be something better. i want to be smart too.. why the fuck does ngachi still talk to that fucker? how could she do that to me? why the fuck does she love me, why does she say she loves me? why the fuck? i really just need a release, i wish i never left miami, this girl would never have to suffer no more. her family would be happier with her and she wouldnt have to stay in boston in the summer. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to wake up from this bad drea, i just want to wake up from this bad dream, i just want to wake up from this bad dream, i just want to wake up from this bad dream, i just want to wake up from this bad dream, i just want to wake up from this bad dream. dammit, FUCK! help shit dammit, fuckers! i hate you all!

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fuck this shit fuck you!