I am a white girl. I mind my own business.
I was raised in a semi-rural section of the northeastern United States. I have never felt like anyone saw me as a threat.
Today I was in a department store in Kobe, and an older Japanese woman verbally harassed and attacked me simply for being Caucasian, and being There. She yelled at me and didn't leave me alone until I burst into tears and alerted a saleslady, which made her run off. Even after that, she lingered in the store and I had to get a staff person to escort me out because I was afraid she would follow me.
I can't remember ever being so rattled in my life.
Despite the extraordinary kindness of the salesladies who helped me, I felt something akin to dirt. With no one there who loves me, who would hug me and make it better, I walked in a daze and bought myself things, things that had been Either This or That on the way into town and that now could not be compromised on. A new brand-name bag, both books I wanted instead of one, french fries and Coke. Every older woman's face scares me now, and I hid my face from everyone waiting for the bus back home, staring instead at my hands in my lap. Instead of an unusual person some people might like to interact with, I am simply something that shouldn't Be.
The woman's words wounded me so deeply that later, when I went to use the bathroom, there were drops of blood that strayed so far from routine that I felt my brain had been overwhelmed with the task of processing so much ill feeling, and had delegated its manifestation to the rest of my body.
Many people would probably say Don't worry, that lady is just crazy/stupid, which is true. But it remains that while this woman berated me, people stared at me, and no one did a thing about it until I went to the saleslady. It was almost like they were thinking it, too, and wouldn't have disagreed with this person.
Is this karma? Have I really done something so wrong to deserve this? Am I getting what's coming to me? How is this all supposed to work? When things like this happen, I wish my life were more clear-cut. I can't tell if I am supposed to be a hero or a villain, but I seem to be hurtling towards defeat.