(no subject)
I wrote this last night, and this is what i wanted to talk to you about, but you never called. I want you to know that i wanted to talk to you for a reason, because i thought you'd understand and be able to help, but instead I figured it out myself.
Here it goes.
`Tonight I'm comfortably confused. I sat upon that same hill top. The same hill top i went to the night before it all happened. He was in my thoughts, but I didn't go there to think about him. At first I wanted him there with me so we could talk and be the friends he said we would be. But I was distracted, distracted by the complete awe I was in when I saw the city lights. It's the most comforting feeling I've had in years, long years. Being there tonight was so inlightnening. I knew what I had to do, I knew how it was going to be, I knew of the journey ahead. I sat down and looked at every thing around me, I came to a point where I was even more comfortable. But I also felt confused, it seemed wrong to be there without him, considering he was the one who shared that place with me. My heart started racing, everything started over again, it started at the begining. Memories of the past hit me hard, blinding me I couldn't make it stop. My heart became so heavy and I had a feeling in me, the same feeling I had when I left, when I ran from the problems, the pain, when I ran from home. Running, sprinting, searching for something untouchable. I've always had the ability to block out the reality of what was. I've blocked out so many things, but for some odd, extrodenary, amazing reason I remembered everything. But it didn't feel like a memorie. I knew it was real when it happened, but I didn't see, vision it like a person who had to deal with it. It was an out of the body experiance, like watching a movie. It was me but not. I knew the pain, the anger with every playing memorie. I lived my whole life out all over again. Everything from being 5 playing ball with my dad and brother, to watching a blank wall with a bottle of white pills in my hand at 14, I've never seen who I really was. I knew I used to be sad, but watching these memories it wasn't sad for me this time. It was nothing to me, I didn't feel. All I felt was like I was watching these things for hours. Like I spent three hours or more on each thought crossing my mind. Then I felt as though someone grabbed me at the throat and was forcefully pulling me back to reality, up and away from the memories. I didn't want to leave though, for the first time these memories didn't hurt me so I wasnted to stay. It was so hard for me to come back to those city lights last night, knowing that what I watch was only my past. But what was so incredulous to me is that I didn't feel for anything! We were walking down the trail and he popped back into my head, I remembered him holding my hand as he helped me down, it was so comforting. I started asking questions. What happened with the girl with the pills? Did she take them? Did she fall asleep? Did she wake up? Where was that scared girl running to and what made her run? I now know the significants that was held in this expierance. It was what I needed. It was the one thing that would change the way I've been thinking for the past 9 years. I didn't feel because I didn't need to remember the pain I went through. It's the one way I could forget about the past. Since I felt nothing I had no reason to hold on to it,. I could let it go, NO, I could let it DIE. I don't want to look back and see myself hurt, seeing that gives me no insentive to move on, MOVE AHEAD! I made a new memorie, I made a new life, I made a new person! I'm diffrent now I know who I am, and I know it's who I've always needed to be, but I never got the chance! I know what I felt, NO, I know what I FEEL for him. I know I ran into it too fast, and I know that I may not ever get to have another chance with him. But I know time heals, I made time STOP! and it changed me FOREVER!
Here it goes.
`Tonight I'm comfortably confused. I sat upon that same hill top. The same hill top i went to the night before it all happened. He was in my thoughts, but I didn't go there to think about him. At first I wanted him there with me so we could talk and be the friends he said we would be. But I was distracted, distracted by the complete awe I was in when I saw the city lights. It's the most comforting feeling I've had in years, long years. Being there tonight was so inlightnening. I knew what I had to do, I knew how it was going to be, I knew of the journey ahead. I sat down and looked at every thing around me, I came to a point where I was even more comfortable. But I also felt confused, it seemed wrong to be there without him, considering he was the one who shared that place with me. My heart started racing, everything started over again, it started at the begining. Memories of the past hit me hard, blinding me I couldn't make it stop. My heart became so heavy and I had a feeling in me, the same feeling I had when I left, when I ran from the problems, the pain, when I ran from home. Running, sprinting, searching for something untouchable. I've always had the ability to block out the reality of what was. I've blocked out so many things, but for some odd, extrodenary, amazing reason I remembered everything. But it didn't feel like a memorie. I knew it was real when it happened, but I didn't see, vision it like a person who had to deal with it. It was an out of the body experiance, like watching a movie. It was me but not. I knew the pain, the anger with every playing memorie. I lived my whole life out all over again. Everything from being 5 playing ball with my dad and brother, to watching a blank wall with a bottle of white pills in my hand at 14, I've never seen who I really was. I knew I used to be sad, but watching these memories it wasn't sad for me this time. It was nothing to me, I didn't feel. All I felt was like I was watching these things for hours. Like I spent three hours or more on each thought crossing my mind. Then I felt as though someone grabbed me at the throat and was forcefully pulling me back to reality, up and away from the memories. I didn't want to leave though, for the first time these memories didn't hurt me so I wasnted to stay. It was so hard for me to come back to those city lights last night, knowing that what I watch was only my past. But what was so incredulous to me is that I didn't feel for anything! We were walking down the trail and he popped back into my head, I remembered him holding my hand as he helped me down, it was so comforting. I started asking questions. What happened with the girl with the pills? Did she take them? Did she fall asleep? Did she wake up? Where was that scared girl running to and what made her run? I now know the significants that was held in this expierance. It was what I needed. It was the one thing that would change the way I've been thinking for the past 9 years. I didn't feel because I didn't need to remember the pain I went through. It's the one way I could forget about the past. Since I felt nothing I had no reason to hold on to it,. I could let it go, NO, I could let it DIE. I don't want to look back and see myself hurt, seeing that gives me no insentive to move on, MOVE AHEAD! I made a new memorie, I made a new life, I made a new person! I'm diffrent now I know who I am, and I know it's who I've always needed to be, but I never got the chance! I know what I felt, NO, I know what I FEEL for him. I know I ran into it too fast, and I know that I may not ever get to have another chance with him. But I know time heals, I made time STOP! and it changed me FOREVER!