(no subject)
im so frustrated and stressed out lately. i just want to crawl into a whole and die. all my bad decisions are finally catching up to me. and now, after years of, "melissa, you need to participate more in school" or "melissa, study more or else you're not going to get into the college you want." i am regretfully admitting that my mom was right. well, i knew she was right then, what i dont know is why i didnt listen.
I'm starting Southwestern next month (January). my orientation was yesterday and i spoke with a counselor and told him that i want to transfer to NYU or UCLA after my general ed is done. So basically, he told me to call NYU (since they dont have a transferring "agreement") and find out the pre-req's and ask for a catalog and get all the information. i got home today and called but no one was answering, so i came online to see if i could find out on the site. then i was dumb enough to look at the undergrad application--and there's no way in hell im going to get in. my entire 2 years of high school and 1 1/2 years of almost-independent study i've done NOTHING. my grades werent that great because i was a lazy-ass, therefore it doesnt really matter if i was in honors or ap classes. i didnt take the AP test because ap classes were a bit of a challenge and honors was the easiest thing ever. but still, i couldnt even do my homework. i didnt do ANY extra-curricular stuff. so what the hell am i good for now?
and then....i just sent in the payment for my speeding ticket and now im just waiting for it to go through and get cleared. $370 because i was being stupid for like 2 seconds on an EMPTY road. they said im not eligible for traffic school because of my speed so that means my insurance is going to go up too. i cant even afford it now. oh and not only that, but my car is a piece of shit. there's ALWAYS something wrong with it and i havent even had it for a year yet. the other night it wasnt starting (it wasnt my battery. i think it was either the starter or something, but who knows. its in the shop right now, but to be honest i hope they say they cant fix it (yeah right) or that it blows up or gets stolen or SOMETHING. i just don't want it anymore. i dont want to drive. i want to just move to New York, go to the school i want have an awesome job and take the taxi or subway. that would make me very happy. --oh and have enough money so i dont have to worry every day about stupid stuff. i have hardly any christmas money now. i was going to get chris a futon, but now i cant afford it. and i was going to get my mom this 200$ mixer set she wants, but now i cant afford that either. i dont like to worry about money, but ive been saving to move out for about two years now and i have less money than when i started. i just feel like im going to be here forever. im not going to get into the schools i want--so that wont help me get out. and i dont have money to move, so i cant get out that way either.
i just dont want to worry about this stuff anymore. its depressing. i feel like complete shit.
I'm starting Southwestern next month (January). my orientation was yesterday and i spoke with a counselor and told him that i want to transfer to NYU or UCLA after my general ed is done. So basically, he told me to call NYU (since they dont have a transferring "agreement") and find out the pre-req's and ask for a catalog and get all the information. i got home today and called but no one was answering, so i came online to see if i could find out on the site. then i was dumb enough to look at the undergrad application--and there's no way in hell im going to get in. my entire 2 years of high school and 1 1/2 years of almost-independent study i've done NOTHING. my grades werent that great because i was a lazy-ass, therefore it doesnt really matter if i was in honors or ap classes. i didnt take the AP test because ap classes were a bit of a challenge and honors was the easiest thing ever. but still, i couldnt even do my homework. i didnt do ANY extra-curricular stuff. so what the hell am i good for now?
and then....i just sent in the payment for my speeding ticket and now im just waiting for it to go through and get cleared. $370 because i was being stupid for like 2 seconds on an EMPTY road. they said im not eligible for traffic school because of my speed so that means my insurance is going to go up too. i cant even afford it now. oh and not only that, but my car is a piece of shit. there's ALWAYS something wrong with it and i havent even had it for a year yet. the other night it wasnt starting (it wasnt my battery. i think it was either the starter or something, but who knows. its in the shop right now, but to be honest i hope they say they cant fix it (yeah right) or that it blows up or gets stolen or SOMETHING. i just don't want it anymore. i dont want to drive. i want to just move to New York, go to the school i want have an awesome job and take the taxi or subway. that would make me very happy. --oh and have enough money so i dont have to worry every day about stupid stuff. i have hardly any christmas money now. i was going to get chris a futon, but now i cant afford it. and i was going to get my mom this 200$ mixer set she wants, but now i cant afford that either. i dont like to worry about money, but ive been saving to move out for about two years now and i have less money than when i started. i just feel like im going to be here forever. im not going to get into the schools i want--so that wont help me get out. and i dont have money to move, so i cant get out that way either.
i just dont want to worry about this stuff anymore. its depressing. i feel like complete shit.