its been a while....
and not in the sense of the staind song. thats for sure. finally done with second year of vet school... and FINALLY have some time to just sit and take it in. its funny... i had convinced myself that i wasn't stressed... wasn't crazed during finals.... but my feelings since finals have ended have been volatile and slightly incomprehensible. i think thats a result of things catching up to me. either that or pms (sometimes its hard to tell the difference) or maybe a combination of both. all i know is that i've become quite hobbit-like the past 3 days....very unlike me.
i've also realized how empty this summer is going to be. i have great friends... i love my friends, but they're moving on with their lives and leaving philadelphia. i'm stuck here... for better or for worse... and its getting tougher and tougher to watch my friends leave, go places, and see different things. i think i'm getting stir crazy. i want to see different things... i want to go places. but thats just not how my life worked out.
that being said, the other problem is a more practical one... less existential. i don't have anyone to hang out with anymore. i know its 99% self induced... but the past two days, i've sat in my house and watched tv. the two sides of me are feuding right now. they are: 1. the part that knows that i need some down time... some time to just relax and sit and perform completely mindless tasks such as TV watching and reading. to be by myself and just let my mind and body recuperate from the last weeks, months, years. that part is being nobly feuded by 2. the part of me that knows that i only get a very limited supply of free time in my life and i should take advantage of every second to the fullest. i should be outside playing, running, talking to people, reading in the park, travelling to places, seeing things and people that i never get to see.... etc. i wish i had more time... more loved ones around me... more energy..... i've never felt that energy had to be the limiting factor in my life decisions anymore... but its certainly is this week and next.
one of the few things i can take true solace in is that i'm half way done with vet school. i've survived (and its not as though i havent had outside forces trying to stop me in my tracks). the last two years have been really trying... and if nothing else i can say, at least its over. there havent been too many wonderful things that i'll take with me. i've made good friends... but i feel like something's missing still. i know that vet school sucks life out of you... but when you've got that along with the other things trying to take the life out you (sickness... family... sickness of family, etc).. its hard to feel like there's' much life left.
i think my goals for this summer have to be to get the feeling of life back in me. its funny... the first time i did this it took 21 years of misery to convince myself to find happiness, and it too SO much work. i don't want to give it up. i want to keep going forward... but i feel like i've hit a wall. i think i just miss having fun. goal number 2 (or maybe 1a) is to just have fun. be crazy... do crazy things... meet people and not be scared ( i havent started this one out too well so far, but the summer is young). this is, for what its worth, my last "summer". i guess i should make the most of it.
i've also realized how empty this summer is going to be. i have great friends... i love my friends, but they're moving on with their lives and leaving philadelphia. i'm stuck here... for better or for worse... and its getting tougher and tougher to watch my friends leave, go places, and see different things. i think i'm getting stir crazy. i want to see different things... i want to go places. but thats just not how my life worked out.
that being said, the other problem is a more practical one... less existential. i don't have anyone to hang out with anymore. i know its 99% self induced... but the past two days, i've sat in my house and watched tv. the two sides of me are feuding right now. they are: 1. the part that knows that i need some down time... some time to just relax and sit and perform completely mindless tasks such as TV watching and reading. to be by myself and just let my mind and body recuperate from the last weeks, months, years. that part is being nobly feuded by 2. the part of me that knows that i only get a very limited supply of free time in my life and i should take advantage of every second to the fullest. i should be outside playing, running, talking to people, reading in the park, travelling to places, seeing things and people that i never get to see.... etc. i wish i had more time... more loved ones around me... more energy..... i've never felt that energy had to be the limiting factor in my life decisions anymore... but its certainly is this week and next.
one of the few things i can take true solace in is that i'm half way done with vet school. i've survived (and its not as though i havent had outside forces trying to stop me in my tracks). the last two years have been really trying... and if nothing else i can say, at least its over. there havent been too many wonderful things that i'll take with me. i've made good friends... but i feel like something's missing still. i know that vet school sucks life out of you... but when you've got that along with the other things trying to take the life out you (sickness... family... sickness of family, etc).. its hard to feel like there's' much life left.
i think my goals for this summer have to be to get the feeling of life back in me. its funny... the first time i did this it took 21 years of misery to convince myself to find happiness, and it too SO much work. i don't want to give it up. i want to keep going forward... but i feel like i've hit a wall. i think i just miss having fun. goal number 2 (or maybe 1a) is to just have fun. be crazy... do crazy things... meet people and not be scared ( i havent started this one out too well so far, but the summer is young). this is, for what its worth, my last "summer". i guess i should make the most of it.