May 02, 2006 16:50
"and i thought i wouldn't have to be with you"
today passes just as most days do, without any way to differentiate between it and the other mass of days... i guess today would be the day i tried to stop caring about my well being. the stairs was the beggining of it but when i forced myself to eat that was the end. part of me doesn't care. part of me wants to end up in the hospital from malnutririon with hardly anyway of recovering and part of me hates that idea... the reason part of me hates it is silly though... it's not about me and staying healthy...i don't want to bother anyone.
my whole life i never wanted to bother anyone. try not to ask for favors. pay money back as soon as possible and the same with borrowed things. if people are being annoying ask them to stop but if they dont, oh well. what right do i have to stop someone from doing what they want? no matter what it is. no matter what it does to me; so i miss study time, so there's a foot in my back, so there goes my life, big deal? what does it matter?
once i believed that i could affect the world. i could change things. i could put stuff out there that would open up some eyes, make people think, but in order to sustain my self-created philosiphy i had to stop thinking. i had to stop seeing things so bright and bold and painfully in the hopes that i'd live a little bit longer. And then here i go, just as the old way is working, trying to think again. trying to make a new philosiphy and a new belief. trying to dredge up hope. well i never had that. i never had that save one time- a brief period in my life. i had to forget about it anyway... because like most things that make someone insanely happy it dissapated and made me insanely lost and empty.
i don't feel much these days. nothing deep, only those rapidly changing over feelings. the reaction you have to someone's words or actions. none of it's real. there is nothing to make me wonder in this world. nothing left to make me sure i want to survive. this sickness is not a sickness at all. at least not a mental one. it's a pain i created for myself, something to remind me. of what i don't know. it reminds me of useless cries for attention that ALWAYS failed.
i was one of them, you kno? i'm sure those closest to me at least suspected. A cry for attention, that's all it was. everyone needs attetion, right? yea, kill me. i won't justify it. i'm like them all, selfish and stupid and useless. totally unreal. the trouble is i'm so wrapped up in the unreal me i can't find what my true personalty is. Maybe this is it. maybe this is all that i am. nothing.
they'll tell me i'm stupid for saying i'm nothing. laugh or get angry with me but in this world what else is there to be? what can you really do? what can you really mean? self appointed labels don't count. that's only what you think and your opinion can only carry you so far.
'i think therefore i am' did he just mean enough thought to exist? because beyond that it's all gone.