A lot has happened...
So since the last entry a lot has happened. I had to put my beloved Isis down because she just couldn't hang on any longer. It still kills me everyday to think about her. That was back on January 30th, 2008. I moved from the house I grew up in sometime in February... which sort of goes into what's going on now. I have this recurring nightmare that I didn't put Isis down, I left her at my old house. In my dream I abandoned her. That's what I feel happened. I know I really took her pain away because she was miserable but in my mind I keep thinking I should not have been able to make a choice like that.
Going on, last time I wrote, I was seeing someone. It was new and I was hesitant... yeah i know... that's a trait I don't think I will ever be able to get rid of. Anyway, he's amazing. Today's his birthday actually, and surprise, surprise: I ruined it. I ruin everything. And not only did I probably ruin his birthday but I ruined everything I worked so hard to allow myself to feel for him. I suppose it doesn't matter anyway because I'm pretty sure it was one-sided. I cared so much, that I didn't realize until recently that I was the only one. I was blind-sided by the fact that he comforted me when I let my dear Isis go and I was also blind-sided by the memories of him and I taking care of each other when we were sick. Now I'm lucky if I even get time of week... yeah thats right, time of week, not time of day.. See, you'd think I would be used to this by now.. the whole not being special to anyone.. But at the same time I was convincing myself not to feel anything for this man, and for as strongly as I was trying to stay numb to my emotions, that's how strongly I fell. Who knows, maybe that's why I ruin things? So I don't have to admit that. So I don't have to accept falling as an answer. Fuck, what's love? I don't know what that is. I don't think I've ever truly been loved by anyone. Maybe this was fate's way of dangling it in my face so I could fuck it up?? Say the wrong things at the wrong times.. I never get a break. What the hell did I do in a past life to deserve this? Even worse, what did I do in this life to deserve this? Can't I fucking care about someone and have them care about me back equally without being hurt? I guess not. Maybe I'm one of those people who is never supposed to be loved. I can deal with that I guess. I really don't want to just "disappear" like I said I could. But maybe I am supposed to. Maybe the reason that my friends have dwindled down to hardly nothing for no reason is because I was never supposed to have any in the first place. Maybe I should just pretend that nothing in this world bothers me and it won't. I'm not perfect, I will never be perfect and I've never tried to be.
I want things to work out. Or at least, I really wantED them to. I thought moving was going to be semi-okay because I had you. It still wasn't. I tried really hard not to let the stress get to me and I failed. You gave up, and I'm trying not to. After all, I should be proud of myself: my dumb ass wanted this to end about a year ago. I am disappointed that after trying so hard not to, I still fell in love with you. I'm even more disappointed in myself that even after I had the nerve to (I swear it wasn't on purpose) ruin your birthday, that I still want to curl up in your arms and pretend like everything is okay...
I don't know what this means, you'll probably never read this.. My indescisiveness both hopes you do and you don't read this. I am not quite sure which one I want more. I just wanted you to feel the same way about me as I feel about you.. whatever that is.
Maybe all of this is due to the fact that I haven't eaten in the past two days and I'm living off caffeine and water. I can't sleep.. possibly due to the caffeine. I need something to destress myself. If I can just get rid of the stress maybe everything will fix itself.. that's a big maybe. If you do read this, please don't get offended.