How long the night seems to one kept awake by pain. ~Bernard Joseph Saurin, Blanche et Guiscard,
Well, it's 3 am. I knew I'd be up all night again because I've been hurting all day. I hate the nights. I can be so strong in the day and deal with just about anything, no matter how bad it hurts or how sick I feel, but when it gets this bad at night, I feel so small and weak. Alone, in the dark, when I sit/lie there but can't sleep cause of the horrible pain in my gut and the overwhelming nausea, I just want to be a little kid again. I just want to be able to crawl to my parents and have them come sit with me 'til I fall asleep so the scary monster can't hurt me. But I can't do that anymore cause I'm grown up, and no one can keep away the scary Pain, Sick, and Fear monsters that haunt my nights now. The fact that tonight I have the added worries of a fight with my daddy doesn't help anything. I finally ran out of the room crying while he and mommy were still arguing. He didn't say anything. He just went to bed. Still, I wish I didn't have to face this alone at night, in the dark. I wish I just had someone to sit with me and let me be a little girl, to let me cry when hurts, to hold me so I don't have to be alone and afraid. Those are pretty selfish, petty demands though. People need sleep, and my problems are mine to deal with. God will somehow use this trial for good (He always does). That doesn't make it hurt any less though. I hate hurting like this. I hate not being able to lie down because of the extreme nausea. I hate having to wait until exhaustion takes over my body before I can sleep. I hate feeling sick all the time. I hate not being able to eat what I want. I hate not being able to do whatever I want or go wherever I want. I hate wondering and worrying about whether or not I will ever get better. And I hate having to be grown-up and strong. I just want to be the little girl again, when a hug, a kiss, and a smile dried every tear and chased away every monster.