Frustrations
Last night I was feeling particularly not fuzzy (possibly stemming from the fact that I have not taken my doxipin since before thanksgiving), so I figured I should try to accomplish something on my incompletes (I mean, my tummy has been far too angry in the last week for sleeping, and I didn't expect this night to be any different). So for about 2.5 hours I attempted to work on one of my English essays. My attempt failed miserably. The conclusion to which I have come: My brain no longer works and I am completely screwed. The essay assignment is to created a dialogue between two characters from books we read, discussing the theme of outsiders and including at least 3 quotes from each book in the dialogue. Three years ago I would have been ecstatic about this type of assignment. It has all the components of a paper that would just delight me to compose. However, to write this essay requires me to be able to do three things
1) Read and recall both books.
2) Comprehend and understand the characters and themes in each book
3) Creativily figure out how to continue each authors' charater in a dialogue that shows my professor that I read and understood the books.
The first two things I am almost capable of doing if I don't take my doxipin or any of the other meds that put me in a constant drug-induced haze. However, most days I have to re-read each chapter three or four times before I could even pass a simple recall test, let alone think about any underlying themes or literary devices (the girl that got a perfect score on every standardized reading comprehension test is crushed by this fact). However, skipping my meds long enough for them to clear my system creates painful, sick, sleepless nights (hence why all most recent posts have been at 3 am), dehydration, and calorie-deprevation. So while the week without meds has enabled me to think more like me again (yay for lj posts that go on for way too long), the starvation is preventing me from actually being able to completely do things (e.g. the post about why life is so awesome took me 7 hours over the course of two nights to write. Shouldn't have taken even taken one hour). Summary and comprehension essays, yes I can do, but very slowly. (It took me 3 hours to write a 1 paragraph article summary yesterday). The creative part of my mind just doesn't seem to function at all anymore. Writing is my stress outlet, and something I just love to do. And I was really good at it. Papers used to be my favorite part of school. Now it just seems like I can't do anything anymore...
1) Read and recall both books.
2) Comprehend and understand the characters and themes in each book
3) Creativily figure out how to continue each authors' charater in a dialogue that shows my professor that I read and understood the books.
The first two things I am almost capable of doing if I don't take my doxipin or any of the other meds that put me in a constant drug-induced haze. However, most days I have to re-read each chapter three or four times before I could even pass a simple recall test, let alone think about any underlying themes or literary devices (the girl that got a perfect score on every standardized reading comprehension test is crushed by this fact). However, skipping my meds long enough for them to clear my system creates painful, sick, sleepless nights (hence why all most recent posts have been at 3 am), dehydration, and calorie-deprevation. So while the week without meds has enabled me to think more like me again (yay for lj posts that go on for way too long), the starvation is preventing me from actually being able to completely do things (e.g. the post about why life is so awesome took me 7 hours over the course of two nights to write. Shouldn't have taken even taken one hour). Summary and comprehension essays, yes I can do, but very slowly. (It took me 3 hours to write a 1 paragraph article summary yesterday). The creative part of my mind just doesn't seem to function at all anymore. Writing is my stress outlet, and something I just love to do. And I was really good at it. Papers used to be my favorite part of school. Now it just seems like I can't do anything anymore...