Well, I thought I had emotionally prepared myself for today....

[desirerofhesed]

So, today went as expected with my doctors each vehemently argueing why his position is the correct one and why it is foolish to not follow his recommendations. I knew this was coming. I've spent the last two weeks emotionally psyching myself up for today. Except, now one has upped the anty: if I don't consent to have this line pulled soon, I will have to find a new PCP because he does not want to be responsible for complications resulting from the line. He's concerned about the fact that my 'fluttery spells' seem to be more frequent and worse than before. Yes, that could be because of electrolyte imbalances due to the heat and the fact that I don't run my TPN like I should (point one for not pulling the line). However, it could also be from possible damage to my heart valves because of the stupid infection I had for so long. So now I have to get an Echocardiogram to make sure everything's ok. It most likely is fine, but he wants to check just in case. Yeah, still scary. My PCP (with the approval of the motility specialist) is so adement about pulling the line that he's ready to go behind my other doctor's back (the one who manages my TPN and central line) and pull it without consulting him. He makes a very good, very scary case for pulling this stupid thing. But then I read back over my posts from the last month. And think of how many days I've been sick. And think about the fact that I'm down 3lbs for the month, even with the TPN. And about how drained I was yesterday after skipping 4 days. And I just don't see how I will be able to manage without it. His answer is that if I am forced to do without, then I will adapt and learn to live without it. But I try to do without already!! Anybody who knows me knows how often I skip days if I'm feeling good. I HATE having to rely on this to live. And everytime I skip, I pay for it. I have fluttery-fainting spells; I'm exhausted; I can't think straight or read or understand what my professor is saying; I get depressed from the malnutrition. Plus, I'm terrified of getting back to where I was last summer. Last summer was horrible. I didn't know if I was gonna wake up in the morning or not, and I didn't care because when I did wake up I felt so bad I wished I hadn't. Starving is a terrible, horrible, awful to live. I hate it even more than my TPN. And I'd rather die at 25 from some complication, but have actually lived my life, than to slowly waste away, constantly exhausted and hungry and miserable.

I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I'm trying to stay strong and think logically. I'm trying not to shut down and push everyone out while I deal with my panic and confusion. I want a definitive 'right' answer, and I want someone wiser than me to make it. I hate being sick. I hate being scared. I hate the constant grey mist of medical complications and decisions that is living with a chronic illness. I hate that both options SUCK.

I need to know that somehow it's still worth fighting.