continued worry of spontaneous combustion or just going insane....
Frustrated... pissed of... feeling like I need to move but not wanting to... I'm wide awake! I am at my parents house and the kids opened their presents today.
Aiden loved ripping open the presents and keeley needed some help but she LOVED all her presents. She got so happy about even the simplest ones like clothes but clothes were quickly thrown over the shoulder by both of them.
Aiden loves his rock em sock em robots like thing. It is wrestlers instead of robots. It has up to 4 players and instead of their head popping up they actually fall off their stand when you lose and can even fly out of the ring. He even won against my dad and I 2 times and we weren't letting him win either. He was thrilled with his numerous gifts and particularly his Wall E themed ones like the figurine of wall e and eve and his pillow and blanket that he is currently sleeping with.
My mom got a massager that I thought I loved when I tried it in the store but then I tried my moms and it's different because its on the couch I guess.... But i don't want it anymore.
My dad got a deep fryer that is a cool touch kind with a basket and a lid but it only does like 1-2 chickn breasts at a time so though I considered getting it for us too I'm thinking I need to find a bigger version.
I got a set of pyrex bakewre pans and lids and tote to make it easier to transport and that is really nice. Finally I have a way to participate in the family potlucks for every holiday.
I want to go out and conquer the world tonight.
Has anyone ever felt like that?
I just want to go take a long relaxing shower then go out dancing at a club, take a karate class and have a good sparring match, sing some karaoke, chat with someone at starbucks about everythig and nothing, drive some go carts, go bowling, make a snowman, go sledding, play laser tag, jump in a moon bounce, go on some roller coasters, Sscream at the top of my lungs and not worry about anyone around me geting mad about it or waking up or somehow getting me in trouble for it, run at full speed around bally's track in the one bally's I used to go to before marrying Tom because I felt confident there and actually could accomplish some decent speed and laps there.... etc. etc.
I need a license, a car, a therapist, a challenging but encouraging martial arts class to attend in my area, a place to go take out my frustrations at top volume and force at any hour of the day or night, a playgroup or class to take the kids to on a regular basis to get out of the house and have kids for them to play with and adults for me to talk to, a support group for me to whine in at any time online where I can feel like people will read it and nt judge and actually respond too, and some help fnding a wy to get all this and soon because none of it is a want.. it is all needs! This all together is what I need to kee from exploding I believe. I am just solidifying my thoughts to realize all that I need. I need tom to read my writing in poetry, songs, and my journal and not tell me I'm not a writer. I need him to take me seriously as an adult and an individual not just his weird quirky wife and mother to his kids. Sure I could say this but it never comes out right. I get interupted or he doesn't understand and I get fristrated before Ican ever explain it to him. He used to read my stuff but he literally told me more recently "I don't need to read that stuff. You are my wife." WTF?! does that make sense to you?
On top of all this my uncle JW decided to make me feel like shit today because we got a laptop set up for my cousin that he is paying us for after he already bought one from us for himself. I found out he passed his own laptop off to my cousin but that was meant for JW and the newer laptop was meant exclusively for my cousin because he needs the more high tech up to date stuff for school and undestands it better than my uncle. I was trying to explain this to him just so he would tell my cousin about needing to bring the laptop to xmas with him so we could transfer any files he had accumulated on my uncles laptop to his new laptop and get my uncles back to him. My uncle started yelling at me and getting pissed that I wasn't just going to give him the laptop meant for my cousin and saying since he was paying for it he didn't s why it should matter. He just wouldn't listen and I said "Well, I'm sorry I'm not trying to be mean to you..." and before i could continue he said "well you are... but that's ok we'll just see which one he picks" I couldn't take it anymore so I just said ok bye. Then I hung up and started crying as I started explaining it to my grandma and my mom. My uncle has never spoken to me like that ever. He has always been very happy and nice and for him to be so rude and short with me for no apparent reason... it was crushing to my spirit. With my current anxiety issues set aside I still would have cried but because they are still a problem I still sit here so pissed... I have no idea how I am going to handle that side of the family's xmas without saying anything. I have decied to just ignore that he did that and not tell tom because tom would probably tell him to give his laptop back and tell him off for talking to me that way. e really likes jw but he has no tolerance for people acting like that and I just don't want to cause huge problems i the family by telling everybody about what happened. I know it is safe to type here because nobody close to me really reads this. But in the meantime this only builds my anxiety issues because I feel on the verge of tears about this no matter how hard I try not to let it bother me. Maybe I'll be calmer by saturday but righ now I can't see myself doing anything but sitting in a chair not talking to anybody much and just biding my time until we leave. Hear as it is I am about to cr just thinking about it because I used to really love christmas and each year it becomes a bigger and bigger disappointment and more of a stress than it even feels like it is worth. But I do it for the kids and for the hope that one day I will enjoy christmas again.
I better go take a shower cuz I need it and I don't want to cry in front of my dad sitting here on the other end of the couch. I would end up having to explain it and then feel silly for making such a big deal out of it. Bt I can't help it. My feelings are hurt and my grandma says he probably didn't mean it and won't remember by saturday but that makes it worse. Like he can disregard my feelings whenever he chooses and thn act like it never hapened... that is not fair and makes me feel like I mean nothing to him. I think what hurts the most is that he told me he was disappointed in me for being mean to him. He was rude to me and I feel like I'm not allowed to tell him how I feel but when I was trying to be nice and explain things and arrange to help people out with cheap laptops he can just tell me I'm being mean for trying to get the appropriate laptop to the appropriate person... FwgjkmjahaghHRSHJRSAthyjsr!!!! I hate when people disregard my feelings before they speak to me even moreso now because I have not hidden my unstable emotional state and have been having trouble long enough that everyone should know... But yet because he is having problems emotionally too I am jus supposed to write it off I guess.
I seriously feel like my feelings don't matter to anyone... well they do to tom but i can't tell him about this ad he often doesn't understand my problems and how bad they are no matter how hard I try to explain them. Well it's shower time before burst into tears... don't know why I type this... no body will read it except for me when I look back o this later and think of how melodramatic and stupid all this is.... but right now this is my life and it is out of control to the point that I want to become a hermit and avoid people fr the most part. How many time do I need to scream, type, write, talk about, and beg for help before it really happens?! I can't do it all myself and I need help geting help obviously or I'd be seeing someone already. I just want to feel better and stop all the drama... ok I'm really going to bed now and hopefully not crying myself into dehydration but most likely that is what will happen.
Aiden loved ripping open the presents and keeley needed some help but she LOVED all her presents. She got so happy about even the simplest ones like clothes but clothes were quickly thrown over the shoulder by both of them.
Aiden loves his rock em sock em robots like thing. It is wrestlers instead of robots. It has up to 4 players and instead of their head popping up they actually fall off their stand when you lose and can even fly out of the ring. He even won against my dad and I 2 times and we weren't letting him win either. He was thrilled with his numerous gifts and particularly his Wall E themed ones like the figurine of wall e and eve and his pillow and blanket that he is currently sleeping with.
My mom got a massager that I thought I loved when I tried it in the store but then I tried my moms and it's different because its on the couch I guess.... But i don't want it anymore.
My dad got a deep fryer that is a cool touch kind with a basket and a lid but it only does like 1-2 chickn breasts at a time so though I considered getting it for us too I'm thinking I need to find a bigger version.
I got a set of pyrex bakewre pans and lids and tote to make it easier to transport and that is really nice. Finally I have a way to participate in the family potlucks for every holiday.
I want to go out and conquer the world tonight.
Has anyone ever felt like that?
I just want to go take a long relaxing shower then go out dancing at a club, take a karate class and have a good sparring match, sing some karaoke, chat with someone at starbucks about everythig and nothing, drive some go carts, go bowling, make a snowman, go sledding, play laser tag, jump in a moon bounce, go on some roller coasters, Sscream at the top of my lungs and not worry about anyone around me geting mad about it or waking up or somehow getting me in trouble for it, run at full speed around bally's track in the one bally's I used to go to before marrying Tom because I felt confident there and actually could accomplish some decent speed and laps there.... etc. etc.
I need a license, a car, a therapist, a challenging but encouraging martial arts class to attend in my area, a place to go take out my frustrations at top volume and force at any hour of the day or night, a playgroup or class to take the kids to on a regular basis to get out of the house and have kids for them to play with and adults for me to talk to, a support group for me to whine in at any time online where I can feel like people will read it and nt judge and actually respond too, and some help fnding a wy to get all this and soon because none of it is a want.. it is all needs! This all together is what I need to kee from exploding I believe. I am just solidifying my thoughts to realize all that I need. I need tom to read my writing in poetry, songs, and my journal and not tell me I'm not a writer. I need him to take me seriously as an adult and an individual not just his weird quirky wife and mother to his kids. Sure I could say this but it never comes out right. I get interupted or he doesn't understand and I get fristrated before Ican ever explain it to him. He used to read my stuff but he literally told me more recently "I don't need to read that stuff. You are my wife." WTF?! does that make sense to you?
On top of all this my uncle JW decided to make me feel like shit today because we got a laptop set up for my cousin that he is paying us for after he already bought one from us for himself. I found out he passed his own laptop off to my cousin but that was meant for JW and the newer laptop was meant exclusively for my cousin because he needs the more high tech up to date stuff for school and undestands it better than my uncle. I was trying to explain this to him just so he would tell my cousin about needing to bring the laptop to xmas with him so we could transfer any files he had accumulated on my uncles laptop to his new laptop and get my uncles back to him. My uncle started yelling at me and getting pissed that I wasn't just going to give him the laptop meant for my cousin and saying since he was paying for it he didn't s why it should matter. He just wouldn't listen and I said "Well, I'm sorry I'm not trying to be mean to you..." and before i could continue he said "well you are... but that's ok we'll just see which one he picks" I couldn't take it anymore so I just said ok bye. Then I hung up and started crying as I started explaining it to my grandma and my mom. My uncle has never spoken to me like that ever. He has always been very happy and nice and for him to be so rude and short with me for no apparent reason... it was crushing to my spirit. With my current anxiety issues set aside I still would have cried but because they are still a problem I still sit here so pissed... I have no idea how I am going to handle that side of the family's xmas without saying anything. I have decied to just ignore that he did that and not tell tom because tom would probably tell him to give his laptop back and tell him off for talking to me that way. e really likes jw but he has no tolerance for people acting like that and I just don't want to cause huge problems i the family by telling everybody about what happened. I know it is safe to type here because nobody close to me really reads this. But in the meantime this only builds my anxiety issues because I feel on the verge of tears about this no matter how hard I try not to let it bother me. Maybe I'll be calmer by saturday but righ now I can't see myself doing anything but sitting in a chair not talking to anybody much and just biding my time until we leave. Hear as it is I am about to cr just thinking about it because I used to really love christmas and each year it becomes a bigger and bigger disappointment and more of a stress than it even feels like it is worth. But I do it for the kids and for the hope that one day I will enjoy christmas again.
I better go take a shower cuz I need it and I don't want to cry in front of my dad sitting here on the other end of the couch. I would end up having to explain it and then feel silly for making such a big deal out of it. Bt I can't help it. My feelings are hurt and my grandma says he probably didn't mean it and won't remember by saturday but that makes it worse. Like he can disregard my feelings whenever he chooses and thn act like it never hapened... that is not fair and makes me feel like I mean nothing to him. I think what hurts the most is that he told me he was disappointed in me for being mean to him. He was rude to me and I feel like I'm not allowed to tell him how I feel but when I was trying to be nice and explain things and arrange to help people out with cheap laptops he can just tell me I'm being mean for trying to get the appropriate laptop to the appropriate person... FwgjkmjahaghHRSHJRSAthyjsr!!!! I hate when people disregard my feelings before they speak to me even moreso now because I have not hidden my unstable emotional state and have been having trouble long enough that everyone should know... But yet because he is having problems emotionally too I am jus supposed to write it off I guess.
I seriously feel like my feelings don't matter to anyone... well they do to tom but i can't tell him about this ad he often doesn't understand my problems and how bad they are no matter how hard I try to explain them. Well it's shower time before burst into tears... don't know why I type this... no body will read it except for me when I look back o this later and think of how melodramatic and stupid all this is.... but right now this is my life and it is out of control to the point that I want to become a hermit and avoid people fr the most part. How many time do I need to scream, type, write, talk about, and beg for help before it really happens?! I can't do it all myself and I need help geting help obviously or I'd be seeing someone already. I just want to feel better and stop all the drama... ok I'm really going to bed now and hopefully not crying myself into dehydration but most likely that is what will happen.