spontaneous combustion possible?
I should be in bed... but I'm not.
I should be happy... but I'm not.
Here begins a New chapter of my life... more like a new book because I know it will be long.
I am going to be fully honest even more than before.
I know, I know if you have ever read my journal before you are probably thinking "Oh god! longer than before?!" Hopefully not. Hopefully it will make more sense and be less blabbering about nothing.
I hate my life. I know I sound like a melodramatic teenager but that's also what I feel like most days.
Okay being honest I don't hate my life. I love my kids and my husband and aside from wanting more money or needing a house I don't have a whole lot to complain about. For the most part my kids are good kids too.
But I feel incomplete. I don't know if I need to start making money or if I just want another kid so I can be done having kids all at once or if it is something that hasn't occured to me at all yet.
Everything about my life frustrates me everyday. I only feel happy when I'm playing with my kids and that is short lived. Especially because I don't play with them as much as I should. They need more attentin than I give them. Maybe I'm slipping back into depression but at the very least I do know that this anger problem started it all.
I need someone to talk it out with. Someone neutral. I'm working on finding a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist depening on which is closest and seems to meet my needs.
I feel so needy and whiny because everytime I feel better I start to crash shortly after again.
I'm not suicidal but I am absolutely feeling crippled by this anger thing. It's like an attack and I want to say it's like anxiety attacks but at the same time I don't. I mean I want to explain it and panic or anxiety attacks seem most likely but I don't want it to be something that severe or possibly permanent. I felt so much better for a couple of months and then all of a sudden I feel like I am back to not being able to handle anything.
I tried playing a new first person shooter that Tom and I both got and my nephew is getting for christmas and my BIL should be getting soon. This is important for me to be able to play because I can't justify going to MP CON if I can't play a game with everyone else there without getting so pissed off I can't play it anymore. I got so pissed off last night I wanted throw stuff and punch my monitor and just go on a rampage. I shut it all off and was going to go to bed but I was too worked up to do that so I cleaned up the front room. That made me feel better about things being clean but I was still pissed. This then makes it impossible to sleep until I'm exhausted and even then it's hard.
I am up now for the same thing. I got pissed off because I opened a bill from comcast that I'm sure was billed and sent out before the last time I made a payment but I couldn't be sure. So I called comcast who is supposed to be 24/7 support but they lie about that apparently. I just wanted to make sure the balance on our account as still 0 to confirm the bill in my hand was not current. I wanted to use the automated system which it requested I use but when I selected the correct options it sent me to a message saying I reached them after hours and then the message gave me intructions to use the automated system. I followed the instructions and spent the next 10 minutes in the same F@!#%%^ loop over and over. I tried hanging up and calling again and it just kept doing the same thing to me. If I had an option I would never use comcast again. I'm so fed up with their stupidity but unfortunately they are the only high speed option out here and tom has to have high speed for work. I can't sign in online to check anything because I have an email account but they screwed up their login stuff and my email is not linked to the account stuff on comcast.net and nobody can tell me hw to fix it or find the account that is. And of course that is the site I need to login to to see my balance and pay it online. I am going to explode and the worst part is... I know I will have to be the one to pick up the peices of myself after the f&#**%(@# explosion too!!!!
This stuff is frustrating to anyone but it's so bad for me right now that if I didn't have kids I wouldn't kill myself but I'd be no good. I would be in bed avoiding the world most of the time and when I got up I'd be zoning on my favorite show reba or surfing the internet for something specfic and then going right back to bed. I'd just be avoiding the world at all costs because I hate beig angry and my life consists of nothing but anger when I'm awake pretty much. I need help and I need it bad but even saying that out loud to my husband doesn't seem to click to him how bad it is. He just says ok find a therapist and we'll go. Which translates to me as great one more thing to add to my endless list of things to do. Don't worry honey! I'll write Save Myself just below tackle mountain of laundry and collect every bill for filing bankruptcy... hmm ... wonder why it doesn't get done! AHLHDKHJVCKLERJWL#@KL:KOV#FD:#RK:!!!! I need to scream but it's almost 3am and I'm pretty sure my neighbors would hate me and my kids would wake up and screaming into a pillow( still too loud) is just not enough at this point. I'm really starting to worry that I might just spontaneously combust from all this oneday.
I should be happy... but I'm not.
Here begins a New chapter of my life... more like a new book because I know it will be long.
I am going to be fully honest even more than before.
I know, I know if you have ever read my journal before you are probably thinking "Oh god! longer than before?!" Hopefully not. Hopefully it will make more sense and be less blabbering about nothing.
I hate my life. I know I sound like a melodramatic teenager but that's also what I feel like most days.
Okay being honest I don't hate my life. I love my kids and my husband and aside from wanting more money or needing a house I don't have a whole lot to complain about. For the most part my kids are good kids too.
But I feel incomplete. I don't know if I need to start making money or if I just want another kid so I can be done having kids all at once or if it is something that hasn't occured to me at all yet.
Everything about my life frustrates me everyday. I only feel happy when I'm playing with my kids and that is short lived. Especially because I don't play with them as much as I should. They need more attentin than I give them. Maybe I'm slipping back into depression but at the very least I do know that this anger problem started it all.
I need someone to talk it out with. Someone neutral. I'm working on finding a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist depening on which is closest and seems to meet my needs.
I feel so needy and whiny because everytime I feel better I start to crash shortly after again.
I'm not suicidal but I am absolutely feeling crippled by this anger thing. It's like an attack and I want to say it's like anxiety attacks but at the same time I don't. I mean I want to explain it and panic or anxiety attacks seem most likely but I don't want it to be something that severe or possibly permanent. I felt so much better for a couple of months and then all of a sudden I feel like I am back to not being able to handle anything.
I tried playing a new first person shooter that Tom and I both got and my nephew is getting for christmas and my BIL should be getting soon. This is important for me to be able to play because I can't justify going to MP CON if I can't play a game with everyone else there without getting so pissed off I can't play it anymore. I got so pissed off last night I wanted throw stuff and punch my monitor and just go on a rampage. I shut it all off and was going to go to bed but I was too worked up to do that so I cleaned up the front room. That made me feel better about things being clean but I was still pissed. This then makes it impossible to sleep until I'm exhausted and even then it's hard.
I am up now for the same thing. I got pissed off because I opened a bill from comcast that I'm sure was billed and sent out before the last time I made a payment but I couldn't be sure. So I called comcast who is supposed to be 24/7 support but they lie about that apparently. I just wanted to make sure the balance on our account as still 0 to confirm the bill in my hand was not current. I wanted to use the automated system which it requested I use but when I selected the correct options it sent me to a message saying I reached them after hours and then the message gave me intructions to use the automated system. I followed the instructions and spent the next 10 minutes in the same F@!#%%^ loop over and over. I tried hanging up and calling again and it just kept doing the same thing to me. If I had an option I would never use comcast again. I'm so fed up with their stupidity but unfortunately they are the only high speed option out here and tom has to have high speed for work. I can't sign in online to check anything because I have an email account but they screwed up their login stuff and my email is not linked to the account stuff on comcast.net and nobody can tell me hw to fix it or find the account that is. And of course that is the site I need to login to to see my balance and pay it online. I am going to explode and the worst part is... I know I will have to be the one to pick up the peices of myself after the f&#**%(@# explosion too!!!!
This stuff is frustrating to anyone but it's so bad for me right now that if I didn't have kids I wouldn't kill myself but I'd be no good. I would be in bed avoiding the world most of the time and when I got up I'd be zoning on my favorite show reba or surfing the internet for something specfic and then going right back to bed. I'd just be avoiding the world at all costs because I hate beig angry and my life consists of nothing but anger when I'm awake pretty much. I need help and I need it bad but even saying that out loud to my husband doesn't seem to click to him how bad it is. He just says ok find a therapist and we'll go. Which translates to me as great one more thing to add to my endless list of things to do. Don't worry honey! I'll write Save Myself just below tackle mountain of laundry and collect every bill for filing bankruptcy... hmm ... wonder why it doesn't get done! AHLHDKHJVCKLERJWL#@KL:KOV#FD:#RK:!!!! I need to scream but it's almost 3am and I'm pretty sure my neighbors would hate me and my kids would wake up and screaming into a pillow( still too loud) is just not enough at this point. I'm really starting to worry that I might just spontaneously combust from all this oneday.