(no subject)
last night i realized too much i don't remember.
and this morning i woke up hating. anything at all.
almost drowned in the shower. apparently water doesn't belong in my lungs. neither does air, at the moment.
i'd like to be a dolphin.
i'd like to be anything else.
i can only hope... that when i'm with him again, i'm not thinking about the other boy. i can't compare it.
everything beautiful makes me want to vomit with envy.
i'm a passive-agressivist.
everyone, all week, asked if i was sad, or why i wasn't happy. this week was too good, too intensely amazing, for me to not just be numb to it. and i really hate myself for that.
why can't i just be a robot? being half-way anywhere isn't satisfying. two half-lives can't make me whole.
i'm a bitter and sad person, apparently. but i can't believe that. i'm also .nothing. at all. and everything. two halves.
nothing nothing nothing nothing.
at all.
and this morning i woke up hating. anything at all.
almost drowned in the shower. apparently water doesn't belong in my lungs. neither does air, at the moment.
i'd like to be a dolphin.
i'd like to be anything else.
i can only hope... that when i'm with him again, i'm not thinking about the other boy. i can't compare it.
everything beautiful makes me want to vomit with envy.
i'm a passive-agressivist.
everyone, all week, asked if i was sad, or why i wasn't happy. this week was too good, too intensely amazing, for me to not just be numb to it. and i really hate myself for that.
why can't i just be a robot? being half-way anywhere isn't satisfying. two half-lives can't make me whole.
i'm a bitter and sad person, apparently. but i can't believe that. i'm also .nothing. at all. and everything. two halves.
nothing nothing nothing nothing.
at all.