In a blue state...
I feel like crap. I'm completely unmotivated to do any of my work. All I want to do is laze and read some good fanfiction.
I have been closeted in my room, and only bothered to leave it to take a shower earlier on. I didn't think I'd want anyones company today, other than Cait's, but then Danielle showed up. So that's about two people. I really am a miserable person to hang out with.
Well, I feel miserable right now anyway. It's a combination of self-pity, guilt and just overall sadness. I can't pinpoint an event or reason for these feelings. I just feel very lonely, small and afraid. I want to curl up in a ball, away from the world. Sometimes I wish I could just stop existing.
But my greatest dream, the one thing I want most in the world... I want someone (a guy) to hold me. That's all. I just want to feel safe, protected and loved in this "big, bad world." I know I don't have it all that bad... but I've been very alone for a very long time.
I was talking to a friend recently. He was, in turn, chatting with some friends in India. That made me think of the friends I had in India. I can't contact any of them. Oh sure, I'm in touch with my cousins, and a couple of friends I recently met up with again. But even those conversations are far apart and rather short. I really want to get in touch again with some of my really old friends - the ones from back when Daddy was still in the army. In particular, I want to get in touch with Angad. As far as I can remember, he was my best guy friend. The most fond memories of childhood involve him. It's a pity he has such a common name - Angad Singh. There must be hundreds of Angad Singhs in India alone, let's not even get started on the NRIs. But I don't want to approach Daddy. I know he is in touch, perhaps infrequently, with Angad's father. But I don't want to approach Daddy and have him ask Uncle for contact information for Angad. I don't want either of the adults to take it in the wrong way (which my dad most likely will), neither do I want to have to answer him. Daddy just doesn't understand. He wasn't there. I mean he was, but not while we were playing together, or in school together...or any of that. I just really miss him - or the image of him that I have constructed in my mind ... of the way I remember him, of the things we did together. The thing that upsets me the most is that I can't remember what he looks like. I have been searching through my albums for a picture of him. I hope I can find one soon.
If I continue, I might get stuck in the past again. As it is I am overwrapped in melancholy of late. Eventually, things should get better. I just wish they would get better soon.