Something lost
Well D was acting strange for a few days... Implying he knew something when in reality there couldn't be anything to have known.
Then I saw that he was trying to find a girl online to have sex with. I didn't even have the time to bring this up.
So today's realization? My friend puts some of her $, a purse, and a cell in my bag when she tossed it in the back of her car. I hadn't realized it until later. S asked me to mail it to her as her car broke down. Sure, no problem. She asked me not to turn it on. No problem.
I just heard it ring in my bag.
So I've concluded that Derek found S's stuff and thinks I'm an escort based on the fact that S is. When I met her, she wasn't but whatever.
S knew I was going to get pro photos done for Derek; my email has tons of replies from photographers in this regard. But S said she'd take photos of me. I didn't want to but she can be a bit pushy and they were free. So, we met around 1:30 ish and after she Got ready to take photos of me I found out some random guy I don't know owns the camera so I was especially uncomfortable. I have no idea who this is and that's awkward to me. She said shed delete the photos but I'm not so sure. She also suggested I hide my face then ... Which was a good idea because I wanted to exited the photos to just show a slowing silhouette and blow it up in to a extra large photo. Soooo, it'd be better without my face in case ppl saw it in the house.
So she took some photos of me for D that didn't turn out nice anyways.
Then she bought me a coffee and drove me home in time to pick up Kiki.
I emailed the photos to myself and it looks to me that D saw them.
I was trying to do something nice for him that totally back fired. And im not editing them and doing what I wanted.
That being said, D also read S's texts so I'm sure he thinks he's putting 2 and 2 together. What an awkward situation. I'm actually mad at S now.
I'm trying so hard to establish a comfortable life for us. If it were just ki and I, I'd be find with us living in a small place with a never home roommate and live on minimal finances. But, I'm trying to improve me for him. Im so worn out and tired. I'm confused.
And now Derek is trying to date other women. The other night he said he couldn't sleep but was actually up whacking it because maybe the escorts he called were too expensive.
I butchered my hair because of him. I can't go dancing because of him. I can't be around anyone because of him and his attitude, ability to lose it on anyone, inability to camellian to people or situations. Anyone I've ever brought around D he's had an issue with.
I thought he was an amazing man; then he drank.
Our issues almost always arise with booze. And I'm disguised to think about how much $ we've wasted in the garbage.
He said he was quitting drinking but didn't and said he was quitting smoking but lied.
I love him but I fear we've lost it.
I pretty sure he's figured out that I'm not comfortable with getting married but I do want to be with him. I want to love him and be loved... by him. I was looking into unique, non governmental, forms of marriage instead of that fake shit but now im not sure that either of us want to bother.
I miss him. I miss us.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.