Derek or Home?
Really? Really Ana?
What's wrong with me? I don't learn anything ever!
I'm so unbelieably in the clouds. I should know better than to assume that everything is bright and happy and la-di-da.
One minute all I can think about is getting married and the next minute I'm strongly questioning my life and wondering if I should just leave everything and go.
I mean, I feel like I'm constantly cleaning and mostly on my own. He does dishes and sometimes sweeps, he tidies toys and random stuff but thats it. I think he's never once vacuumed in the time he's been here and cleaned the washroom once. I'm a god damn slave.I did finally see him cleaning the stove after using it! YAY! lol. He thinks, 'well I work a lot' so... working a lot doesn't make the home life go away. Furthermore, what the fk is up with this working weekends shit? Honestly?! like we didnt talk about this 10000 times!?!
What am I doing in a relationship that I am now afraid to bring things up and the times that I do it goes completely on def ears!
And why do I have to ask for him to take me out? don't use the 'we dont have a sitter' excuse because I've managed to go out before. No... I kinda figured it would have been nice for him to suggest taking me out or something, especially since he couldn't afford to do shit for my bday. Great- another one of those relationships? I'm guessing a whole year is going to pass before I realize that I haven't gotten a single gift and never was taken out.
I'm at my wits end here- I'm not sure what I want anymore and this is all so typical.
I wanted to be with him forever.
Yea... oh until he bitches multiple times that I had a problem that he tipped a 'stipper' like waitress a 34% tip when every other tip he'd ever left was lucky to be 7%... seiously, I wasn't fkin born yesterday!! and recently I'm realizing that every time we go out or have ever gone out he checks chics out. Really, it didn't bug me the first few times becuase I didn't realize that he did it EVERY time. I was feeling like shit at Roosters and babbling on about nothing because we dont have conversations that are even worth having- our conversations involve his work and that's almost all; anyways, he knows I caught him gawking at the waitress while I was trying to talk. He almost didn't notice that I stopped taling in mid-sentence. When he realized that I was hurt he made a ridiculous attempt to SEEM like he was interested in something about me, 'oh when did you do that to your nails' ... really? you dont remember me doing it Sat night when we were supposed to (but didnt) go out and we had a conversation about it THAT night... wow, .... then he checked the waitress' ass out for a good, OBVIOUS while---- again. sigh.
fking fking wow!
I'm starting to understand why his ex cheated on him. He doesn't make a women feel special, he doesn't help enough with chores, when I try to show him how I like certain things around the house he acts like he doesn't care, I've tried to show him how I like things sexually and mostly that's gone on def ears. Futhermore, I feel weird, this is the only relationship I've ever been in where sexual interests weren't frequently discussed. There's no laying in bed talking about what we liked or would like, what turns us on or anything. I tried merging into this a few times but yea, no. And he doesn't touch me anywhere sexual if he has no intent to have sex... not even after having sex. I've done it to him a few times to try to clue him in but... yea no. And after he cums there's no more sex stuff at all.
And today I'm not feeling happy and then he's staring at my tummy (yea, I know it's there, thanks for making it obvious with the VERY long stare) and then when we left the house he went and stared at the doctors receptionists ass. Honestly? This can not be happening.
I got with him becuase I thought he wasn't like that at all. I got with him because I thought he had will power and respect. ... no, I now just feel uglier than I did a week ago (which, I'm not sure that's possible) and now fat too.
I don't even want to have sex anymore... I don't think he wants to either anyways. I'd rather wait until he goes to work and masterbate. What the fk is going on ?!?! a few weeks ago I wanted to fk all the time. Then again, a few weeks ago I felt special. I felt pretty.
I'm tired of cleaning the toilet he pisses in, and folding his colthing, and washing his dishes... which, he'll only do if I keep up my 'fair share' of doing the dishes but that is ALL he does (and takes the trash out once and a while) so how is that even fair?
I want to go back in time to when I was turned on, when I felt special.
I want him to listen. I don't want him to get flipping mad because I ask him to help me take care of his kids (week before xmas) and flip out saying, 'it's not like i dont spend time with them' ... dude, I was doing shit all day and you put the lights outside up. We had a plan and I wasn't able to maintain that plan alone! Ps - you actually DIDNT do anything with them... you sat there in your bubble and when they tried to say or do anything you got angry with them.
I'm beginning to wonder if I made a mistake here.
I get it, men look at women sometimes but NOT every time and seriously? So Tiff says, 'its human nature, I do it too' ... well u also fkin cheated on your husband and overly mingle with guys all the time and find emotional relationships with other men... I will not compare my relationship to yours... ps. I don't stare at other men.
However, I've decided I am going to. There've been a few times that I've controlled my urge to flirt, or even look, to be honorable to my man but if he isn't being that way than why should I?
I need to take a deep breath here. I went and got myself in a pickle.
I love him. I love him very much.
I wanted to marry him. ... tho, not the first time I said that. But I thought it was right this time.... I didn't feel manipulated to think I wanted to get married, I wanted to. I wanted a relationship where we could talk (and that does not mean him trying to get me to tell him what's freakin' wrong in FRONT of the kids or strangers or while I'm absorbed doing something else... I'm sure those are tactics to actually avoiding the confrontation lol). I want him to be the man that we grow together with. Grow old with. I want to work out difficulties; but we aren't addressing anything.
The few things that I have brought up to him he just keeps spitting at me (when I expressed my feelings about the massive tip, when I told him to stop using the oven to store things etc). I wish I had a female friend here so I could just go out for a girls night out. ...
I need to feel real. I need to feel like I have my life. like I look good, feel good and I want to dance.
I want to get away from this house!!! ug!
I need to do something quick because our relationship is going to shit in a handbag so quickly. I'm getting depressed. I've thought about cutting and even thought abuot doing worse things.
We dont laugh. We don't tease. We don't play. We don't go out. He doesn't ask me out. I've pretty much begged to go out and he still doesn't ask me.
I don't know what his idea of a relationship is but I'm beginning to think that we are not only on a different page but it's a whole different book. I'm not into the old maid bullshit. I don't want a boring family life... I want a balance of all things good; I want the family life, the romantic life, the party life (just an occassional touch), the classy life, the down to earth life... I can not sit here and have the same thing happen day in and day out. I fear I might just shoot myself in the head (Im serious about that).
Perhaps we need a few days apart. Maybe a week. Maybe he's getting bored of me.
I'm starting to feel left out of my own life. Left out of my lovers mind and heart. I'm starting to feel awkward and paranoid.
Maybe I should just pack a bag, go to Kingston and trash my sim card. There's no way anyone here could reach me in Kingston anyways- they don't know anyone I know there. No one here would miss me- I don't know anyone here except Derek. Like he said, he can afford this place on his own- he could probably find a roommate, no problem.
I'm too nerotic and random. I'm too unsettled. I shouldn't have had a child... not someone like me.
At first he was settling me... stablizing me. I need a rock but now, my rock got too busy paying attention to other females, and not taking me out. I hate playing house if it means I have to fight off slitting my wrists. I'm glad he never noticed what I did the other day- it never really bled, phew.
I just don't know what to do. I wanted to marry him.... now I'm contemplating the lack of security that I have.
sigh.
What's wrong with me? I don't learn anything ever!
I'm so unbelieably in the clouds. I should know better than to assume that everything is bright and happy and la-di-da.
One minute all I can think about is getting married and the next minute I'm strongly questioning my life and wondering if I should just leave everything and go.
I mean, I feel like I'm constantly cleaning and mostly on my own. He does dishes and sometimes sweeps, he tidies toys and random stuff but thats it. I think he's never once vacuumed in the time he's been here and cleaned the washroom once. I'm a god damn slave.I did finally see him cleaning the stove after using it! YAY! lol. He thinks, 'well I work a lot' so... working a lot doesn't make the home life go away. Furthermore, what the fk is up with this working weekends shit? Honestly?! like we didnt talk about this 10000 times!?!
What am I doing in a relationship that I am now afraid to bring things up and the times that I do it goes completely on def ears!
And why do I have to ask for him to take me out? don't use the 'we dont have a sitter' excuse because I've managed to go out before. No... I kinda figured it would have been nice for him to suggest taking me out or something, especially since he couldn't afford to do shit for my bday. Great- another one of those relationships? I'm guessing a whole year is going to pass before I realize that I haven't gotten a single gift and never was taken out.
I'm at my wits end here- I'm not sure what I want anymore and this is all so typical.
I wanted to be with him forever.
Yea... oh until he bitches multiple times that I had a problem that he tipped a 'stipper' like waitress a 34% tip when every other tip he'd ever left was lucky to be 7%... seiously, I wasn't fkin born yesterday!! and recently I'm realizing that every time we go out or have ever gone out he checks chics out. Really, it didn't bug me the first few times becuase I didn't realize that he did it EVERY time. I was feeling like shit at Roosters and babbling on about nothing because we dont have conversations that are even worth having- our conversations involve his work and that's almost all; anyways, he knows I caught him gawking at the waitress while I was trying to talk. He almost didn't notice that I stopped taling in mid-sentence. When he realized that I was hurt he made a ridiculous attempt to SEEM like he was interested in something about me, 'oh when did you do that to your nails' ... really? you dont remember me doing it Sat night when we were supposed to (but didnt) go out and we had a conversation about it THAT night... wow, .... then he checked the waitress' ass out for a good, OBVIOUS while---- again. sigh.
fking fking wow!
I'm starting to understand why his ex cheated on him. He doesn't make a women feel special, he doesn't help enough with chores, when I try to show him how I like certain things around the house he acts like he doesn't care, I've tried to show him how I like things sexually and mostly that's gone on def ears. Futhermore, I feel weird, this is the only relationship I've ever been in where sexual interests weren't frequently discussed. There's no laying in bed talking about what we liked or would like, what turns us on or anything. I tried merging into this a few times but yea, no. And he doesn't touch me anywhere sexual if he has no intent to have sex... not even after having sex. I've done it to him a few times to try to clue him in but... yea no. And after he cums there's no more sex stuff at all.
And today I'm not feeling happy and then he's staring at my tummy (yea, I know it's there, thanks for making it obvious with the VERY long stare) and then when we left the house he went and stared at the doctors receptionists ass. Honestly? This can not be happening.
I got with him becuase I thought he wasn't like that at all. I got with him because I thought he had will power and respect. ... no, I now just feel uglier than I did a week ago (which, I'm not sure that's possible) and now fat too.
I don't even want to have sex anymore... I don't think he wants to either anyways. I'd rather wait until he goes to work and masterbate. What the fk is going on ?!?! a few weeks ago I wanted to fk all the time. Then again, a few weeks ago I felt special. I felt pretty.
I'm tired of cleaning the toilet he pisses in, and folding his colthing, and washing his dishes... which, he'll only do if I keep up my 'fair share' of doing the dishes but that is ALL he does (and takes the trash out once and a while) so how is that even fair?
I want to go back in time to when I was turned on, when I felt special.
I want him to listen. I don't want him to get flipping mad because I ask him to help me take care of his kids (week before xmas) and flip out saying, 'it's not like i dont spend time with them' ... dude, I was doing shit all day and you put the lights outside up. We had a plan and I wasn't able to maintain that plan alone! Ps - you actually DIDNT do anything with them... you sat there in your bubble and when they tried to say or do anything you got angry with them.
I'm beginning to wonder if I made a mistake here.
I get it, men look at women sometimes but NOT every time and seriously? So Tiff says, 'its human nature, I do it too' ... well u also fkin cheated on your husband and overly mingle with guys all the time and find emotional relationships with other men... I will not compare my relationship to yours... ps. I don't stare at other men.
However, I've decided I am going to. There've been a few times that I've controlled my urge to flirt, or even look, to be honorable to my man but if he isn't being that way than why should I?
I need to take a deep breath here. I went and got myself in a pickle.
I love him. I love him very much.
I wanted to marry him. ... tho, not the first time I said that. But I thought it was right this time.... I didn't feel manipulated to think I wanted to get married, I wanted to. I wanted a relationship where we could talk (and that does not mean him trying to get me to tell him what's freakin' wrong in FRONT of the kids or strangers or while I'm absorbed doing something else... I'm sure those are tactics to actually avoiding the confrontation lol). I want him to be the man that we grow together with. Grow old with. I want to work out difficulties; but we aren't addressing anything.
The few things that I have brought up to him he just keeps spitting at me (when I expressed my feelings about the massive tip, when I told him to stop using the oven to store things etc). I wish I had a female friend here so I could just go out for a girls night out. ...
I need to feel real. I need to feel like I have my life. like I look good, feel good and I want to dance.
I want to get away from this house!!! ug!
I need to do something quick because our relationship is going to shit in a handbag so quickly. I'm getting depressed. I've thought about cutting and even thought abuot doing worse things.
We dont laugh. We don't tease. We don't play. We don't go out. He doesn't ask me out. I've pretty much begged to go out and he still doesn't ask me.
I don't know what his idea of a relationship is but I'm beginning to think that we are not only on a different page but it's a whole different book. I'm not into the old maid bullshit. I don't want a boring family life... I want a balance of all things good; I want the family life, the romantic life, the party life (just an occassional touch), the classy life, the down to earth life... I can not sit here and have the same thing happen day in and day out. I fear I might just shoot myself in the head (Im serious about that).
Perhaps we need a few days apart. Maybe a week. Maybe he's getting bored of me.
I'm starting to feel left out of my own life. Left out of my lovers mind and heart. I'm starting to feel awkward and paranoid.
Maybe I should just pack a bag, go to Kingston and trash my sim card. There's no way anyone here could reach me in Kingston anyways- they don't know anyone I know there. No one here would miss me- I don't know anyone here except Derek. Like he said, he can afford this place on his own- he could probably find a roommate, no problem.
I'm too nerotic and random. I'm too unsettled. I shouldn't have had a child... not someone like me.
At first he was settling me... stablizing me. I need a rock but now, my rock got too busy paying attention to other females, and not taking me out. I hate playing house if it means I have to fight off slitting my wrists. I'm glad he never noticed what I did the other day- it never really bled, phew.
I just don't know what to do. I wanted to marry him.... now I'm contemplating the lack of security that I have.
sigh.