ich weis nicht
i feel great confusion. i dont know what to feel or what to listen to inside of me anymore. do i listen to my heart, what is best for me? who is best for me? who knows how to figure out these things? noone has ever told me. what is truth anymore, is logically thinking out things what one should do, or just going with their emotions on it, or maybe just listen to your gut feelings. i dont know what feels right, my mind changes so much. i think i know what im doing and what i want and need and then my emotions go all crazy and i question what i was doing and thinking and wanting and get all confused. and doubt sets in, self doubt. the destroyer of confidence. maybe im tired, maybe im pmsing, maybe i should figure out the cycle my mind and emotions go thru and work with them, except them. sometimes i feel so young and immature and in need of a guide. a strong woman who has been thru all this shit and survived with her sanity and didnt destroy everything good in her life in the process of figuring most of it out. i hope i can be there someday. i realize i am the destroyer of so many things that could have been so worthwhile to hold onto. its a curse to be female perhaps. or maybe just human. after writing that all down i feel so much better, still confused, but calmer at least.