(no subject)
I'm working tonight. I talked them into letting me work one last time, because a customer is supposed to come in and he's a good tipper. I need money desperately. I mean, it's not like anyone is helping out with my bills. I hope to God that this customer comes in, because otherwise I'm wasting my time going to work.
But here's how devoted I am to Leon (meanjoevoodoo), despite the fact that he treats me like shit. I called him up and told him I'd be willing to blow off work tonight if he would come back and spend time with me. I was foolish enough to think he cared about me enough to want to make up for the fact that he was so vicious to me today and that I spent the entire day crying because of him. So I told him I'd be willing to sacrifice work tonight in order to save our relationship.
You know what he said? "Absolutely not." No hesitation, nothing. Just "absolutely not." What the fuck??? HE fucked up, HE hurt me, HE put me through hell, HE accused me of things that weren't true...yet I'M willing to give up a chance to make some money so that we can be together. He says "absolutely not," yet he also says he loves me. WHAT THE FUCK? HELLO! You don't turn down an opportunity like that if you love someone. Where did Leon get his definition of love? Can't he see how much I do for him? Where is the give and take? I put up with his excessive drinking - which is getting worse, by the way - and his weird, irrational tirades, his delusional accusations like on New Year's, and I'm even willing to give up potential income tonight in order to save our relationship. But does he give a flying fuck what happens to our relationship? Apparently not.
I always put the ball in his court. It's always up to him: he gets to decide what happens in our relationship. I always tell him exactly what it will take to make it good, and what will make it bad. In this case, he can come back and treat me with kindness and respect, and I'm willing to sacrifice my last night of work in order to make it good. But he won't do it. He has the control, because I want him to have it. What drives me so crazy is that he doesn't seem to realize how special it is to have the control. All he has to do is drive up here to see me - THAT'S ALL HE HAS TO DO - and if he would do that one thing, I would skip work, have all the sex he wants, and treat him like a king. But he won't do that one, simple thing. Just because of some weird spite, as though I did something to him. He has all the control here. He could get me to do anything he wants. He could even get me to come and live with him, which he claims he wants me to do! But what does he do instead? He does everything possible to make me NOT want to live with him, EVER. He knows he's doing this, yet he acts stupid as though he doesn't get it. God, it would be so damn simple for him to just get in his freakin' car and drive up here and say he's sorry. Everything would be fine. But NOOOOO. Leon has to make everything so fuckin' complicated.
He's so irrational, I want to shoot myself. I'm serious. There is nothing worse than trying to have a rational conversation with someone who is determined to make everything complicated. It's driving me so crazy, I swear if I had a gun I'd put myself out of my misery right now. I never want to deal with such irrational bullshit ever again.
But here's how devoted I am to Leon (meanjoevoodoo), despite the fact that he treats me like shit. I called him up and told him I'd be willing to blow off work tonight if he would come back and spend time with me. I was foolish enough to think he cared about me enough to want to make up for the fact that he was so vicious to me today and that I spent the entire day crying because of him. So I told him I'd be willing to sacrifice work tonight in order to save our relationship.
You know what he said? "Absolutely not." No hesitation, nothing. Just "absolutely not." What the fuck??? HE fucked up, HE hurt me, HE put me through hell, HE accused me of things that weren't true...yet I'M willing to give up a chance to make some money so that we can be together. He says "absolutely not," yet he also says he loves me. WHAT THE FUCK? HELLO! You don't turn down an opportunity like that if you love someone. Where did Leon get his definition of love? Can't he see how much I do for him? Where is the give and take? I put up with his excessive drinking - which is getting worse, by the way - and his weird, irrational tirades, his delusional accusations like on New Year's, and I'm even willing to give up potential income tonight in order to save our relationship. But does he give a flying fuck what happens to our relationship? Apparently not.
I always put the ball in his court. It's always up to him: he gets to decide what happens in our relationship. I always tell him exactly what it will take to make it good, and what will make it bad. In this case, he can come back and treat me with kindness and respect, and I'm willing to sacrifice my last night of work in order to make it good. But he won't do it. He has the control, because I want him to have it. What drives me so crazy is that he doesn't seem to realize how special it is to have the control. All he has to do is drive up here to see me - THAT'S ALL HE HAS TO DO - and if he would do that one thing, I would skip work, have all the sex he wants, and treat him like a king. But he won't do that one, simple thing. Just because of some weird spite, as though I did something to him. He has all the control here. He could get me to do anything he wants. He could even get me to come and live with him, which he claims he wants me to do! But what does he do instead? He does everything possible to make me NOT want to live with him, EVER. He knows he's doing this, yet he acts stupid as though he doesn't get it. God, it would be so damn simple for him to just get in his freakin' car and drive up here and say he's sorry. Everything would be fine. But NOOOOO. Leon has to make everything so fuckin' complicated.
He's so irrational, I want to shoot myself. I'm serious. There is nothing worse than trying to have a rational conversation with someone who is determined to make everything complicated. It's driving me so crazy, I swear if I had a gun I'd put myself out of my misery right now. I never want to deal with such irrational bullshit ever again.