(no subject)
i've been introspective lately. i've kind of figured out a couple things about myself.
i tend to polarize my emotions. not to say i have a condition, just that i only recognize my emotions once they've moved far enough one way or the other. my feelings remain unnoticed until they become powerful enough for me to acknowledge them. so, i only consciously perceive what i feel strongly about.
i've been ignoring my past experiences and the emotions tied to them. i don't really think about them too much, so i don't usually recognize how they influence me. even if i do understand the context of how it might effect me, i don't seem to understand that my conscious mind can't just deny it. the associated emotion just hits me "out of nowhere" whenever something is subconsciously recalled.
achievement and self-improvement are not terribly fulfilling. no matter how i change for the better, or what i accomplish, it is only a transient satisfaction. i can imagine myself thinking "i did something worthwhile. now, how has my life changed?" while i could be effected in the long term, the here and now is the exact same. maybe i'm just shortsighted.
really, i've just been in a funk for quite a while now. i'm down and i'm anxious and i don't quite know why. i feel so fucking emotionally drained, and i can't see a direct cause. aside from being frustrating as hell, it makes me just feel crazy. at first i thought the source was my relationship. though, i'm pretty sure that's just me trying to point a finger at something.
i keep saying "maybe it's just stress," but that just seems like an excuse.
i swear, one of these days, i'm just going to replace my brain with a circuit. at least then i could understand it.
i tend to polarize my emotions. not to say i have a condition, just that i only recognize my emotions once they've moved far enough one way or the other. my feelings remain unnoticed until they become powerful enough for me to acknowledge them. so, i only consciously perceive what i feel strongly about.
i've been ignoring my past experiences and the emotions tied to them. i don't really think about them too much, so i don't usually recognize how they influence me. even if i do understand the context of how it might effect me, i don't seem to understand that my conscious mind can't just deny it. the associated emotion just hits me "out of nowhere" whenever something is subconsciously recalled.
achievement and self-improvement are not terribly fulfilling. no matter how i change for the better, or what i accomplish, it is only a transient satisfaction. i can imagine myself thinking "i did something worthwhile. now, how has my life changed?" while i could be effected in the long term, the here and now is the exact same. maybe i'm just shortsighted.
really, i've just been in a funk for quite a while now. i'm down and i'm anxious and i don't quite know why. i feel so fucking emotionally drained, and i can't see a direct cause. aside from being frustrating as hell, it makes me just feel crazy. at first i thought the source was my relationship. though, i'm pretty sure that's just me trying to point a finger at something.
i keep saying "maybe it's just stress," but that just seems like an excuse.
i swear, one of these days, i'm just going to replace my brain with a circuit. at least then i could understand it.