aren't you tired of being weak.. such rage that you could scream.

May 01, 2005 18:57

well well well. here i am again. well friday, fatima botb was.. interesting. what happened exactly? yeah i'll just leave that between me, missy, krissi, bacon, angela, jay, and ducky.. who all had a part in the OH SO SWEET revenge that has been going on for the past 3 weeks. finally.. the bomb was dropped friday night. of course many others knew about this such as cait, louie, kevin, tori, marissa, shana, sam, sarah, etc etc etc.. 'cause everyone told people.. who told people.. who told people and so on. see benjamin kenneth daponte, that's what happens when you lie to, cheat on and play me, angela, bacon, sarah, missy, krissi, demi, cait, steph, and diane [not important]starting from july. he started going out with bacon sometime last year.. he went camping sometime in july. bacon was perminetly attatched to her cell waiting for ben to call. she was worried about him hooking up with someone but he said that nothing was gonna happen. turned out he hooked up with this girl sarah from exeter. ben and bacon ended up breaking up the day after the band dance which was like the last day in august. ben.. still going out with sarah. then ben started going out with demi as he was trying to get cait back. then ben breaks up with demi and starts playing angela and missy and then steph. he's still going out with sarah. ben ends up going out with steph for not even a day and then soon after he starts going out with angela.. while he's still playing steph and missy and going out with sarah. almost half way through ben and angela's relationship.. ben and sarah decide to "take a break". ben's still going out with angela and still is playing missy. then angela and ben break up and he goes out with steph. he cheats on steph with angela and then steph and ben break up. he tries to get cait back again [they went out basically all of cait's freshmen year] but because of her and jay and her feelings for jay, nothing was ever going to happen with ben again. then, krissi does not like ben, but ben tries to get with her while he's leading on angela and telling me he has feelings for me. then i go out with ducky which catches ben offguard and assumes i had feelings for him, which i didn't. ben's still playing angela and now trying to hook up with sarah from exeter. then i give in and wtf give the fucker a shot. he's still playing angela and trying to hook up with sarah. i dump ben after 2 weeks and he assumes my thinking was all about him and he constantly calls asking me about my thinking and tells me he's going to wait for me- i never told him to wait. ben's trying to get me back and is playing angela and is trying to hook up with sarah. ben and sarah start going out on easter. ben tells me before our washington trip that it hurts him too much to wait for me because of how he feels, he just can't do it. lol. ben had a girlfriend. at dc, ben asked out demi, tried to hook up with steph and a freshman vanessa. he always liked ashley b, who he was going to junior prom with because he wnated to hook up with her. ben had a girlfriend. every girl he went out, he dumped, except for me 'cause well i dumped him, and he pulled the whole "i think we're better off just friends" shit and that he still had feelings for cait. but cait was hung up on jay and they were going out. we found out about everything with sarah from exeter on monday of vacation thanks to angela who had talked to sarah. her and ben were still going out. time to make a plan. first we were just gonna torture him a tiny bit and be seductive and flirtatious to see whether he would have the nerve to cheat or have the desire to. we started planning the roles. angela was herself, missy was in a relationship with my brother evan that was starting to go down-hill because of her feelings she still had for ben, bacon was just a friend and went along with it, krissi was flirtatious with ben's brother jake, ducky was the "too close" of a friend kinda guy, i was the one who was to be flirtatious and seductive with ben, and jay was to be that way with me at fatima botb [where it'll all go down]. i pretended to be upset that he had a girlfriend and i didn't know about. out of know where he breaks up with sarah telling her that his dad didn't want them together but telling me that he wanted us to give it a shot again. now the plan went up to.. gotta lead him on to thinking that we are going to hook up for deffinate, and make sure he is emotionally deep into this. for the 3 weeks i was extremely sweet and nice to him and wicked flirtatious and at times seductive. i didn't want to make it look shadey or anything. angela constantly bitches him out and so on. missy tells ben she loves him and ben tells me. me and missy get into a "fight" and ben decides to talk to missy. missy tells ben that he should just go out with me and he tells missy that he is confused about his feelings because of what missy said. ben tells me everything him and missy talk about except when he tells me how missy says to go out with me.. he tells me that he wished it was all reality and that he wanted it to happen. me and missy "made up". me, krissi, missy, and ducky go to his lacrosse game. we wait 'til half time to leave so he can see all of us. krissi and missy walk together and me and ducky walk together behind them talking and we're all laughing. i look up and see ben with a shocked looked on his face. we all wave and smile at him and he waves giving a wtf look. ben and jake meet me, krissi, and missy at dunkin donuts. missy replaced my name on her cell with evan so that way i could call her and it'll say evan. ben asked about why was ducky there and why we were hanging out with him and then he didn't want to talk about it. i click on missy's cell number in my pocket to call her and she stages a fight with evan. the whole time at d&d krissi was flirting with jake. ben takes me, missy, and krissi to krissi's. she kisses jake and i kiss ben *shivers* before we leave the car. i ended up drolling 'cause i didn't want to put my lips together 'cause i was so grossed out yet i had to wait to get inside 'cause meagan wouldn't open the door and krissi dropped the keys in the bushes and couldn't find it. when i went to the bathroom i washed my mouth out with soap. the 3 of us girls ended up at my house where ben called saying he had to tlak to me the next day and he couldn't wait 'til he did. angela told me that night that he was going to ask me out. ben also called sarah from exeter that night to kinda get her back. the next day comes and it was time i get ben's emotions out on the table. he tells me that he wants something with me that'll last and that his feelings for me go past the friend thing, the really good friend thing, even the best friend thing and that he knew he liked me, it was a deffinate like and a solid like not some wishy-washy like. now it was time for ben to hear a staged fight with me and missy. i tell ben to not say anything and me and missy's convo is basically about how she has to confront ben with her feelings for him for evan's sake and how evan doesn't like her having anything to do with ben because of how she loved him in the past, etc etc. then ben the fag says that he's on the phone. missy pretends to be angry at me [even though she knew he was on the phone the whole time]. ben tells missy that me and him are giving it another shot and i jump in saying wait [i can't say no 'cause it'll fuck the revenge up and i can't put myself in the position where i have to say yes]. i say to ben, "listen iono how much this means to you.. but this mean a lot- SO MUCH to me and i don't want to jump the gun here. i know that if we just jump the gun and rush into this that it'll fuck up and won't go anywhere. i don't want that.. at all. i want something that'll last a very long time so let's just take this week to think everything through and tak about us and everything and basically be boyfriend and girlfriend but without the title, without making it official just yet. 'cause the last thing i want is for all this to just fuck up and die. i really care about you and about all this. i don't want to make any stupid mistakes. i want to do this right if we're going to give us another shot." the bitch, referring to ben, bought it all and agreed with everything i said. missy hangs up saying for me to call her when ben's not on the phone and she tells ben that she has nothing to say to him since he had already heard it all. then missy calls my house laughing hysterically where i have to pretend she's my mom who called.. which ben said it wasn't my favorite person to speak with [me and my mom don't get along/talk]. then ben says he really cares about me and he wants to go by this the right way and then asks me how i feel about him. i tell him straight out that i know i like him and that there wasn't a doubt in my mind, it is a deffinate like. i started asking ben about fatima botb making sure that he was going. he said he would. next day, jake asks krissi out.. krissi says no. jake constantly asks krissi why she said no and krissi would just say "idk". finally krissi asked jake if he really wanted to know why she said no.. and she told him that it was because she thought she had feelings for ben. krissi called me up laughing hysterically because of course jake was going to tell ben and ben called krissi telling her to tell me because he didn't want what happened to me and missy [the fighting] happen again. ben called me later on where i acted upset thinking he was going to change his mind about me and go out with krissi because she is the girl he never got. i recorded the whole conversation. ben said he wasn't going to change his mind about me, about "us", that his mind was set on me and that he wanted us to work out and to happen and that krissi was unreliable. he said she was immature and that all she had was being kinda cute and nothing else. he basically put her down the whole time. he's a fucking cunt. then we talked online and i told him how i was crying because i was upset over the thought that i'd lose him to krissi and that the whole jordan thing would happen again. then i told him that there was potential in me falling in love with him. he said he couldn't wait to be boyfriend and girlfriend ofically. he assumed that friday, the day of the battle, that it was going to make it offical. at the battle.. the girlies and i saw ben talking to vanessa so i pretended to be upset that they were tlaking and he said he wasn't talking to her that she kept tlaking to him and that next time any of us saw them talking to pull him away from her. the whole time was a flirt fest for me and jay. he'd constantly grab me and we were always dancing making sure ben had his eyes on us the whole time. since cait was ben's first and perhaps only love, jay is the guy he lost cait to. the girlies and i saw ben talking to vanessa so i pretended to be upset that they were tlaking and he said he wasn't talking to her that she kept tlaking to him and that next time any of us saw them talking to pull him away from her. the whole night was basically me and jay goign with the flow and doing whatever we could sexually and flirtatiously to hurt ben and make sure he saw. missy was to make sure ben was always watching me and jay yet flirt with him to see his reactions.. ben .. as he watched.. flirted with missy. krissi was to keep me alerted for when he was staring and if he had turned away for a second and what not. he stood behind me and jay the whole time. fucker. lol. after the battle ben called me 6 times. so infront of missy and krissi.. i asked him a simple question "how does it feel".. which leaded to "how does it feel to be played". i told him "that's what happens when you do what you do.. lie, cheat.. play people. we know everything. everyone knows everything. everytime me and you were on the phone.. missy was on the phone.. everytime you and missy were on the phone.. i was on the phone. everything you told me? yeah.. i already knew before you said anything. everything you said to anyone? yeah.. i was told. missy and angela, and krissi told me everything along with others. everything missy ever said wasn't true. oh and krissi? all that wasn't true 'cause she doesn't like you. everything anyone ever said to you these past 3 weeks.. wasn't true. what i said? yep. none of it was true. you're caught and this revenge is too sweet and well deserved. see.. this was like a movie.. we all had our own roles to play.. but then it had to come to an end. that is what you get and you're still doing it. every word out of your mouth is a lie. ok? ok. i'm done." then i hung up. yeah ben cried on the phone and saturday morning i woke up to messages on the comp saying he cried himself to sleep and he gave us actors an A+. well finally all this is done and over with and i don't have to pretend to like the kid after everything that little fuck did to everyone and still continues to do 'cause he was planning on hooking back up with sarah from exeter but me and her talked and she told me how that was never going to happen. ben called her and she told him off. lol. it all started with reading his livejo and sarah's.. that screwed him in the 1st place. the question to all of this.. why the FUCK did he do this? exactly wtf was this fuck thinking? he deserves worse than what this revenge gave him. his heart was broken, his emotions were shattered, his head was played with, etc. he was hurt.. badly.. very badly. that's just not enough. now he's going to live with it.. and i bet.. he'll still continue with all this. once a cheater always a cheater. he will never change. he has said way too many times that he will change and that he wasn't going to lie.. but he keeps doing it. anyways.. the bands were awsome.. well most were. skabba da hutt got first again.. yay! fall out got 2nd and descrepency got 3rd which was fucking bullshit 'cause they deff deserved at least 2nd. i thought they were a lot better than fall out. kevin couldn't make it to the battle which is sad 'cause i miss mommy even though it's been a week since i've seen him, but we were gonna hnag out and all. he had to be in north smithfield by 7 to leave for virgina saturday. i love sitting directly across from louie in guitar. perfect view lol. we make odd faces at each other and aww he's so awsome. we just goof off and flirt. but like ducky says, he has an ego the size of ducky's balls. yeah when me and bacon were leaving school.. louie drove by and started beaping at me and then stuck his head out the window, waved, and put on that 100-watt smile of his. lol. i screamed his name and then started freaking out to bacon about it who was like "yeah, i saw, and i heard" lol. *sighs* yeeaah. lol. anyways.. yesterday i watched movies all day just thinking about stuff and of course cried a lot and then i watched rocky horror the picture show and decided to head back to the comp to chat and listen to music. talked to my ex cory about our lives and about this summer. today i had band and it rained which sucked ass and my silver sax was being a dirrty little bitchy wench. yep. lol. me and missy had funny moments going back to her car today and then we got into a radio fight which was hilarious. i came home, talked to chezzy, just hung out, and i'm still thinking about stuff. it seems like i always pick the "wrong" kind of guy.. or a guy where people think i'm too good for and what not.

what is your personal opinion on louie benevides? on me AND louie?

what are your feelings toward being with someone who's a lot older than you and it possibly turning into a relationship? personally, does age REALLY matter?

comment and answer those questions.
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