Men, On Women (a.k.a. Why Approaching Women Scares the Bejesus Out Of Men)
Men, On Women (a.k.a. Why Approaching Women Scares the Bejesus Out Of Men)
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It's 2 o'clock on a crisp Saturday afternoon. Two guys are sitting at a table outside a cafe. The table is a dark, metallic green, obviously old, rocking back and forth on a crooked base. One of the men takes a napkin, folds it into quarters, and sticks it under a rusty table leg.
A 5'6", brown-haired woman, with almond eyes, mocha skin, and lips that would be described as pouty if not for the straw she were sipping from walks out of the cafe, and stops to chill a few tables over. No ring, and 10 minutes later, she's still there. For the last 600 seconds, she hasn't received a single call, or text message. Unattached, most probably.
"Dude, she's pretty. I can't take my eyes off her."
"Go talk to her."
"No way. You go!"
"Umm, nah she's not really my type. Go on!"
The woman leaves.
This scene is one of the most familiar to men who've had thoughts of approaching the woman of their dreams cross their minds. It's become common, that it's no surprise to either guys or girls. In fact, this situation has become such a staple of social interaction that it's found its way into popular culture by way of movies, music, books, even advertisements.
So why is it this way? Why, in the face of a man's perfect woman (whether it be woman he is instantly attracted to looks-wise, or a woman he has known for a long time and is attracted to for other reasons), does he shut down and refuse to take advantage of the situation? Let's assume he does harbor an attraction for her. Why the hesitation? Why the fear? Why the anxiety to approach?
I've done some research in my spare time on social dynamics and interaction and have come up with the following. It's by no means authoritative, but it does draw upon studies and commentaries and sheds an interesting light on this social quirk.
In animal societies, the pride of lions, the pack of wolves, the shrewdness of apes, there is the alpha male. He is the perfect specimen, and THE man the women go to for protection, leadership, and yes, baby-making. For the right to keep his place, he has to fight. And for the right to take over all his benefits and privileges, the other males, the beta males, have to knock the top dog off the hill.
In the early days, pre-"humans as we know them" times, when the line between man and animal was not so much a line as it was an unchecked box in the to-do list of the higher powers, the society of man and social units of animals were much the same- one perfect man to lead the tribe. He was the authority, the power. And all the women saw him as the one true king with whom to have their children, such that the future of the tribe would be ensured. Now while all the women obviously could not have children with one man, this still posed an interesting situation in that society.
I'm a prehistoric male pre-human. My instincts are but to find the perfect woman with whom to mate. And my instincts tell me to look for two things: the perfect body to hold and nurse the children, and a nurturing quality. I spot a perfect body using the highly-scientific method of looking. As for the nurturing quality, well, THAT girl looks the part. Her face looks gentle and kind, she'll probably care for our kids well enough.
There she is. I make my approach and run my mating ritual. But what's this? This woman belongs to our leader, the strongest in the tribe.
He kills me. I'm dead.
Fast forward millions of years later, and this man is shaking in his boots imagining approaching this woman in a coffee shop. He attributes it to her being out of his league, her not being interested in someone like him, her being busy, but the truth of the matter is, deep, deep, deep down inside, at the very core of his instincts, he just simply doesn't want to die.
As our basic instincts to fight for survival have been passed on intact for eons, so has this male quality of being fearful of the alpha. Men are just afraid of being whacked over the head with a club for approaching the "Wrong" woman. They are victims of a natural urge to follow order in a way sadly rendered completely obsolete by current social organization. In the earliest days, there was the one man whom everybody looked up to, who got fame, riches, and to the dismay of all other males, all the perfect girls.
But humans got smarter. They developed society- rules, stigmas, and all. And the beta males struck back.
Ever hear of the "bad boy"? How about the wanderer? The vagabond? The lone soldier who can never commit to one person or place? Think about it- these are the heroes, the "hot guys" of our movies. They can also be classified quite nicely into a less euphemistic term- "the jerk". Yes, that same jerk whom nice guys always complain their women are being taken by.
But really, women, why do these "nice guys" really finish last? And who the hell created the image of the "nice guy"?
I'll come out and say it.
The nice guys are those you don't really want to be with.
The "jerks"? Sure in high school, they were probably branded the jerks who got it on with so many girls.
On the silver screen, they're known as James Bond. They're also known as Tyler Durden, Ethan Hunt, and Jason Bourne.
To be continued...