This Year Is My Downfall
*Sigh* I haven't written anything in a few months, ever since Sashay passed away it would seem. Life has been full of ups and downs, mostly downs but... meh. This entire year has been generally horrendous to be honest, mostly due to one single event, lol. But it wasn't with Sashay.
Well, at the end of July I had a birthday, so I'm 28 now, yuck. I remember that it was a really good day because Ryan was able to get the day off work and spend it with me, and it was wonderful. We went to this place called "Mito Sushi" and even though I haaaate Japanese food, they have this awesome thing that I've fallen for that is curry katsu chicken don, soooo yummy. So Ryan took me there and then we went to see Pacific Rim, which was awesome!! The kaiju's were soooo damn adorable, waaaa!!
I've gotten back into playing MapleStory, oh dear. I made a bunch of new characters, including ones that don't represent myself like Phantom and Luminous, and I made an Eckhart mockoff cause I frikken' love him, gah. It's been really enjoyable because I never have anything better to do with my life so it's a nice thing to be able to do in my infinite pasttime.
I don't really go to Tim Hortons to draw anymore... maybe I'll go once or twice a week but meh. Another thing I've been able to do this summer to continue with my driving lessons, which has been going smoothly. I feel a lot more comfortable driving and it even feels nice most of the time. I get weekly lessons and am closing to the end of them, and afterwards I can try for my G2 liscense. I still have my fuckups though, which is horrible and embarrassing, and I'm scared I'll fuck up my test when it happens. :S
My biggest issue this summer has been basically losing my best friend in the entire world and I've been pretty mentally damaged by the entire situation. The entire spring and summer and even merging into fall has been spent with the feeling of complete lonliness, so obviously it's a shitty year to say the least. My best friend basically had this amazing thing happen to her, where she was able to find an amazing boyfriend, one of the things both her and I wanted to happen, cause of course I hated seeing her without a guy cause she was that awesome...? Then... she completely ditches me. It's been the worst situation ever... or at least in a long time. This person was so sooo important to me, like a sister even. I tried to plan a schedule with her so that her and I could still have decent enough time together and yet she could still have a special day with her boyfriend, but after a week or 2 of doing the scehdule she broke off and just stopped seeing me altogether and then blamed it all on not having enough time because of work. OH but her boyfriend was good enough to plan time with. So he's worth making time for and I was not. So she just stopped calling, stopping talking to me altogether. I started feeling cold towards her, because it was like I didn't even know her anymore, and I feel shy around strangers which is what she had become. Then I tried to confront her about the situation in email, to which she responded saying it was my fault... because I was acting cold towards her was the reason she stopped contacting me to give me "time". So I simply wrote back to apologize about being cold to her. And that was really it. She went back to ignoring me in every way possible, with the exception of dropping by on my birthday to give me giftcards, and then I pretty much never heard from her again. It's one of the most painful experiences I've ever had, to have her hurt me so incredibly much, it feels like she just stabbed the everliving shit out of me, because all of a sudden her new boyfriend has to take priority in her life and I get tossed away like complete garbage... I cannot even describe how much anger and hate and utter sadness and depression I feel, and I feel it almost every day, almost all spring and summer it just won't go away.... and now I'm like tearing up just trying to get all these feelings out. My best friend who I've known for about a decade and a half, who I trusted with everything, and I believed her and was there for her when NO ONE else was!! I BELIEVED one of her most craziest secrets, and no one else believes her, but I still do. I pretty much loved her, she was one of my closest family members pretty much. I cannot believe this is all happening, she has hurt me more that these words can describe properly. She fucking.... threw me away. I was just thrown away, and she doesn't even know or care. I have no idea why another person has to completely replace me when we couldn't just be together in harmony. I wanted to just have fun altogether, and be together... I don't really know how else to describe what's happening in my shitty life.
I was supossed to write this stupid long email that confronts them about what's been going on... basically the same sorta thing I wrote in Spring when I was acting cold towards her, but I cannot find the strength to write her anything. I never know what to say and I suck at saying anything, and I have a good feeling she won't give two shits about how much hell she's caused me this year. I just wonder if she is concious about what she's doing, like if she's doing all of this on purpose, or if she's so clueless about anything because she's so wrapped up in her own life that she forgets about her so-called "friends". She doesn't consider me a friend anymore, otherwise none of this would be going on. She treats me like shit, threw me away as if I was really nothing all those years. I have no strength or willpower to bring myself to confront her in email, I tried that already and she ignored my request to just be with her. She doesn't wanna be with me, ever. She... broke my heart. I'm just heartbroken. I don't even know if I could forgive her after all of this, I don't even know if I could be her friend anymore and get through this. I wish it was possible, I WANT HER to be my friend, I WANT her to want me.
A part of me just wishes I could die. I have no friends, just Ryan and an online friend who I can never be with. And Ryan works so I can't be with him often. Mostly I am just completely fucking alone and it's so so painful. I'm in so much pain and it's just building up more and more. I can't make friends easily, I never could, and especially when there's nowhere to go to meet people and no one who is anything similar to me. No one who is like she was. I wish crying could actually get the pain to fully go away, ugg.
Honestly, FML... I'm done writing for now...
Well, at the end of July I had a birthday, so I'm 28 now, yuck. I remember that it was a really good day because Ryan was able to get the day off work and spend it with me, and it was wonderful. We went to this place called "Mito Sushi" and even though I haaaate Japanese food, they have this awesome thing that I've fallen for that is curry katsu chicken don, soooo yummy. So Ryan took me there and then we went to see Pacific Rim, which was awesome!! The kaiju's were soooo damn adorable, waaaa!!
I've gotten back into playing MapleStory, oh dear. I made a bunch of new characters, including ones that don't represent myself like Phantom and Luminous, and I made an Eckhart mockoff cause I frikken' love him, gah. It's been really enjoyable because I never have anything better to do with my life so it's a nice thing to be able to do in my infinite pasttime.
I don't really go to Tim Hortons to draw anymore... maybe I'll go once or twice a week but meh. Another thing I've been able to do this summer to continue with my driving lessons, which has been going smoothly. I feel a lot more comfortable driving and it even feels nice most of the time. I get weekly lessons and am closing to the end of them, and afterwards I can try for my G2 liscense. I still have my fuckups though, which is horrible and embarrassing, and I'm scared I'll fuck up my test when it happens. :S
My biggest issue this summer has been basically losing my best friend in the entire world and I've been pretty mentally damaged by the entire situation. The entire spring and summer and even merging into fall has been spent with the feeling of complete lonliness, so obviously it's a shitty year to say the least. My best friend basically had this amazing thing happen to her, where she was able to find an amazing boyfriend, one of the things both her and I wanted to happen, cause of course I hated seeing her without a guy cause she was that awesome...? Then... she completely ditches me. It's been the worst situation ever... or at least in a long time. This person was so sooo important to me, like a sister even. I tried to plan a schedule with her so that her and I could still have decent enough time together and yet she could still have a special day with her boyfriend, but after a week or 2 of doing the scehdule she broke off and just stopped seeing me altogether and then blamed it all on not having enough time because of work. OH but her boyfriend was good enough to plan time with. So he's worth making time for and I was not. So she just stopped calling, stopping talking to me altogether. I started feeling cold towards her, because it was like I didn't even know her anymore, and I feel shy around strangers which is what she had become. Then I tried to confront her about the situation in email, to which she responded saying it was my fault... because I was acting cold towards her was the reason she stopped contacting me to give me "time". So I simply wrote back to apologize about being cold to her. And that was really it. She went back to ignoring me in every way possible, with the exception of dropping by on my birthday to give me giftcards, and then I pretty much never heard from her again. It's one of the most painful experiences I've ever had, to have her hurt me so incredibly much, it feels like she just stabbed the everliving shit out of me, because all of a sudden her new boyfriend has to take priority in her life and I get tossed away like complete garbage... I cannot even describe how much anger and hate and utter sadness and depression I feel, and I feel it almost every day, almost all spring and summer it just won't go away.... and now I'm like tearing up just trying to get all these feelings out. My best friend who I've known for about a decade and a half, who I trusted with everything, and I believed her and was there for her when NO ONE else was!! I BELIEVED one of her most craziest secrets, and no one else believes her, but I still do. I pretty much loved her, she was one of my closest family members pretty much. I cannot believe this is all happening, she has hurt me more that these words can describe properly. She fucking.... threw me away. I was just thrown away, and she doesn't even know or care. I have no idea why another person has to completely replace me when we couldn't just be together in harmony. I wanted to just have fun altogether, and be together... I don't really know how else to describe what's happening in my shitty life.
I was supossed to write this stupid long email that confronts them about what's been going on... basically the same sorta thing I wrote in Spring when I was acting cold towards her, but I cannot find the strength to write her anything. I never know what to say and I suck at saying anything, and I have a good feeling she won't give two shits about how much hell she's caused me this year. I just wonder if she is concious about what she's doing, like if she's doing all of this on purpose, or if she's so clueless about anything because she's so wrapped up in her own life that she forgets about her so-called "friends". She doesn't consider me a friend anymore, otherwise none of this would be going on. She treats me like shit, threw me away as if I was really nothing all those years. I have no strength or willpower to bring myself to confront her in email, I tried that already and she ignored my request to just be with her. She doesn't wanna be with me, ever. She... broke my heart. I'm just heartbroken. I don't even know if I could forgive her after all of this, I don't even know if I could be her friend anymore and get through this. I wish it was possible, I WANT HER to be my friend, I WANT her to want me.
A part of me just wishes I could die. I have no friends, just Ryan and an online friend who I can never be with. And Ryan works so I can't be with him often. Mostly I am just completely fucking alone and it's so so painful. I'm in so much pain and it's just building up more and more. I can't make friends easily, I never could, and especially when there's nowhere to go to meet people and no one who is anything similar to me. No one who is like she was. I wish crying could actually get the pain to fully go away, ugg.
Honestly, FML... I'm done writing for now...