In honour if the few remaining days until HBP...
I was supposed to have a plastic surgery op today (well, yesterday now given the current hour). It was cancelled literally as I arrived at the hospital. cue tears and uncertainty, espceically as it seems the new date is aimed at July 25th, slap bang at the begiining of summer.
But I am not to be disheartened. In honour of HBP, I present (with material heavily borrowed from CC's VSDs and that 50 ways to annoy Voldemort thang):
The Very Secrit Diary of Voldemort [so keep out, or else!!!!]
Day 1
Hmm…
Nothing interesting happened at all today. Still feeling tired after huge battle with bearded OAP crone, a.k.a. Dumbledore.
Wormtail still running around zapping things with magic hand. You’d think he’d get bored. Am incredibly irritated.
Harry Potter still not dead.
Day 3
Am now so incredibly irritated have decided need new faithful servant. However, somehow kind of attached to Wormtail.
Consider keeping him on?
No.
Harry Potter still not dead.
Day 4
Avada Kadavra-ed Wormtail. House is peaceful…
Now, to finding new minion…
Harry Potter still not dead.
Day 6
Hurrah!
Contacted minion via Death Eater email system. Seems very nice and minion type.
Begged to be my servant.
Good start.
Day 7
New minion called John Smith. Boring!
Decided to rename him Evilius.
I rather think it suits him.
Harry Potter still not dead.
Day 9
Evilius says he will encourage me to be an even better evil overlord than I already am. Some sort of training program I think. Anyway, it all seems very interesting. I am getting very bored. Feel like letting my hair down.
Told Evilius this, and he laughed and told me I was bald.
I already knew this.
Day 11
Finally got bored enough to summon Death Eater meeting.
New Plots to kill Harry Potter?
From Goyle; Send him chocolates that explode.
From Bellatrix; Send him a broomstick that explodes.
From McNair; Send him a porn mag that explodes
Hmm…
Have distinct feeling I need new talent…
Even more annoying, whenever I thought of an idea, Lucius surrounded me with aura-like yellow glow. Told me he was only trying to help.
Harry Potter still not dead, and at this rate never will be.
Day 12
Came up with a fantastic new plan for killing Harry Potter. Confided in Evilius who proceeded to tell me he had met mice with cunninger plans than mine. Annoyed as am sure ‘cunninger’ not a real word, and had previously been assured new servant was well educated.
Day 13
Had a “chat” with Evilius today. Was planning to kill him, but he started up with ideas for turning me into the perfect super villain.
- Laugh; Ditch silly high pitched giggle like a girl. Instead try for Mwahahahah! effect. Evilius assures me all the best villains have super laughs like this.
- Approach; When told good news, lean back in my chair, steeple my fingers and say ‘Eeeeeexelent!’ Am told it greatly improves evil look in general.
Evilius back in my good books.
Harry Potter still not dead.
Day 15
Another Death eater meeting today. Tried out new specially-practised laugh and ‘Eeeeexelent!’ but was met with gawping looks of astonishment, and not a few giggles.
Have decided Death Eaters just boring group of uneducated dunderheads really.
Perhaps partnership the way forward?
Evilius sat smiling and said he had taught me everything I knew. Wanted to point out this is pathetically untrue, but was interrupted by arrival of caterers with buffet. Ate fifteen of those little sausages on sticks before remembering terrible allergy to them. Had to lie down.
Wonder if Evilius has any good ideas regarding the fact that Harry Potter is still not dead?
Day 16
Was woken by Evilius singing ghastly song. About to curse him when he let off a party popper in my face before apparating out of my room.
I think it’s his birthday.
Harry Potter still not dead. I wonder if he knows?
Day 18
Feeling quite incredibly ill. Evilius entertained me by doing finger puppet re-enactments of me and Potter fighting in the various incidents we had met. However, he was a complete spoilsport and would never let me win.
Plus he gave me a silly squeaky voice.
Harry Potter still not dead, but have burned puppet in symbolism for things to come.
Mwahahahahahahaahahaha….
Day 19
Evilius asked me why I don’t have a cool scar like Harry Potter. Patiently explained curse backfirement again and then he said, ‘Oh, I get it, just like in Star Wars!’ and started making all these obscure connections between me and that daft muggle film.
Later
Harry Potter still not dead. Wishing I had a light sabre so could decapitate him. Only confusion is whole ‘father’ business. Feel sure Evilius has wires crossed somewhere.
Day 20
Have resorted to ‘send Potter an exploding broom’ plan. Had final Death Eater meeting beforehand to make arrangements.. Evilius sat rolling his eyes and muttering something about my funeral.
I think he’s a little deranged, although frankly mention of funeral does make me incredibly nervous.
Bellatrix ecstatic. Tortured her
With any luck, Harry potter will soon not be not dead!
Day 22
Plan Explodo-broom gone terribly awry. Had to bury poor Goyle in a matchbox.
Evilius bought me flowers.
Sadly, Harry Potter still not dead.
Day 26
Feeling horribly depressed. Was sure sixth book would be much more exciting than the previous ones.
Had a talk with Evilius. Wanted to get drunk and depressed but he was just sarcastic and called me ‘Voldie’. When I got angry he gave me a teddy-bear. Threatened him with horrifically evil powers but he just patted me on head and said it was all going to be alright.
Have truly horrible feeling he is impossible to kill. Similar to Harry Potter in fact. Who is still not dead.
Day 27
Evilius has drawn up a chart with ‘Steps to Saintly Behaviour’ written at top and given me gold star. However, is better than original plan of sending me to yoga classes for anti-stress purposes.
Harry Potter still not dead, but allowed myself the luxury of torturing McNair as a reward for first gold star. Feeling relaxed.
Day 29
In boredom have called all death eaters round for general drunken sleepover. I must admit that Lucius does dance the Macarena extremely well.
Day 30
Woke to find someone has drawn Harry Potter style glasses on me while I slept.
Murder will be done…
Harry Potter still not dead?
Day 31
No one will own up to glasses incident. Have a feeling it could be Crabbe. Evilius depressingly cheerful. Feel distinct need to dispose of him in way similar to Harry Potter.
Day 32
Tortured Crabbe to within an inch of his life but still no leads on glasses. Worse still, skin has wrinkled from where marker has caused v. bad skin reaction. Evilius has promised to give me a new makeover, including skin cleansing. Cannot wait.
Day 34
Not entirely sure about makeover, esp. sparkly fake eyelashes. However, am assured it suits me perfectly.
Harry Potter still breathing. V. bad.
Day 35
Impressed death eaters at meeting with new look. All looked terrified. Have given Evilius a raise, ie have presented him with whatever he wanted.
Day 36
It’s not that I was really attached to my entire collection of chocolate frog cards, just cannot understand why Evilius so wanted them. However, cannot be seen to break my word. Death eaters already showing signs of rebellion.
Unfortunately, Harry Potter still not dead.
Day 38
Have discovered Evilius selling my chocolate frog cards on the wizarding Internet. Am outraged. Banished him forever.
Day 40
Feeling lonely. Evilius only death eater who truly cared, even if he did play knock-down-ginger at three am.
Day 42
3:04 am
Lying awake listening for knock I know will never come. Must rectify situation.
Daylight hours
Have brought Evilius back. He kissed me on the cheek and remarked on my complexion. Feel loved again.
Day 43
Evilius has wonderful plan for killing Harry Potter! All is fine and dandy.
Harry Potter soon to not be not dead! The penultimate chapter of the sixth book approaches. Evilius hanging decorations. Am v. happy.
THE END