What I seek.
I am here to write an entry because I actually want to take time to think about what I am writing. I have a lot on my mind, and I would actually rather type out what I have for thought in my 750words.com account instead, but I am currently working on getting a speed typing badge for typing 750 words in under 20 minutes for ten days straight. I am currently going to work on day 7 once I am finished here. I have to get it done, before 5am since I'm working on another badge for finishing entries late at night for ten days straight also. Anyway, before I lose thought of what I wanted to talk about, I'll get started.
I've been in recent contact with Cynthia, my first love. It really is amazing to reconnect with someone who you loved so deeply and moved on from so many years ago. It is better late than never. I have always meant it when I said I will always love you. That will ring true for Cynthia, Jessica, and Jennifer. The romantic feelings will change to a caring friendship that will differ from any other friendships, because they have held such a deep and intimate part of my life. I am happy to be talking to Cyndy again. Even though it has been over a decade since we last saw each other, talking to her feels so familiar and easy. I want to talk to Jessica. I just feel bad how things ended between us. I could have been a much better boyfriend than I thought I was. Even though I tried to be good to her, I just did all the wrong things and I also expected things from her she simply could not do. I was good to her at times, but there were times I was pretty much a prick. That is kind of why I was so careful with Jennifer. I didn't want to repeat any of my horrible mistakes again, but I put up a barrier that would prevent me from finding true happiness with Jennifer, and especially with myself.
It will be nine days from now when my relationship ended with Jennifer. I don't regret one second of loving her. Same with Cyndy. Jessica, I'm sorry to say, but I can't say the same for her. It was the wrong mindset I had before we started our as a couple, but I did really love her without a doubt. Jennifer though... man. Breaking up was the right thing to do, but its what happened afterwards which really put a strain on my life. I think could say the same for her too. I should have just backed away and gone our separate ways for while when we broke up. I just wanted to be with her, even if we weren't together anymore. I tried too soon to stay friends with her and I think I totally messed up with that because you can never be ready to let someone go that fast. I don't know if I was afraid to lose her or if we still had a chance or what. I can't really recall, because it just hurts too much. My feelings for her were genuine. They were strong. It really did almost take the two years of being apart to start getting myself together. I really do love psychology, but it's too much for me to dwell into. Here I am now, just writing and reflecting. I have found my way back to Christ. Although I have publicly announced my belief in Him, I still fail to live the way I should. I'm trying to work at it. I have a whole story of how my life went after letting Jennifer go. I feel it was an incredible personal journey for myself and what I've been through, yet I can't find a good way to really share it quite yet. I don't know. Not the reason why I came to write here. I wanted to talk about reconnecting with important people in your life. How I want to be good friends with Jennifer. I don't know. The more I talk about it, the more I just don't know. I don't know her feelings. I only know my own. There really is no right or wrong way to go about it. Well, there are ways to go totally wrong about it, but I won't go there. I care about her. I really do. I don't know what it is I really want. I guess I just want her to feel the same way about me. Even though I know she does care, I think I am just wanting too much just to actually confirm it. That is what I really need to let go of. I'm glad that she found someone. I remember when we were together, I wanted her to experience things like dating other people. Now, I don't think its important. I am finding what I truly want out of life and other things. But anyway, yeah. Michael is a great guy. I've said that many times before. I love his photography work. He really does great work. I'm happy and a bit sad seeing the awesome pictures he takes of Jennifer. Truth is though, I want her to be happy. Truly happy. Not anything superficial, but deep in her heart. Time is not either good nor bad. It does not take sides. It does not heal. It is within our own power in which we use the time we have to heal ourselves and each other. It is how we use time, not what time does for us. It took me awhile to get over Cyndy. It took me awhile to get over Jessica. I have gotten over Jennifer, but only in a sense that we are no longer together. I need to find a good place for how I see her in my life now. It feels superficial, but that is just me. Like I said, I don't know what she thinks or how she feels. I know the kind of person she is. That is why I still hold her high regard. She's just absolutely beautiful in my eyes, in my heart. I feel that way about Cynthia after talking to her again. She's just so awesome. Personally, I have great taste in women, but that's just my opinion. Jessica was great to be with. I was a fool to think I could help her become a better person, when I was in such shitty shape myself. At least I'm doing good now. I'm a super late bloomer, but hey, I get to see the world before my own eyes unfold. As many times as I wanted my life to end, and sadly those feelings can still be felt, I'm glad to be alive. God truly has blessed my life, regardless of anything I could have done. I need to stop questioning it and just accept it, and just live accordingly to that belief. I should really save that for my other online journal. I need to write 50,000 words within this month for another badge I am aiming for. Damn, I just jump from one place to another. God really does work in mysterious ways. I thank Cyndy for showing me that site. I'm still waiting on a response from her that she said I should be terrified. She can write a lot. I love it and at the same time, its just a lot of writing. She's great. I have a lot of great people in my life. My family. My close friends. The people I hate because I just absolutely love them. Those jerks. haha. I wish I could be more out spoken. I just got to work at it. Cyndy told me that writing helps you get better at writing. So just speaking up should be the same. Okay. I think I am ready to mindlessly type 750 words in just under 20 minutes. I like that site because it's totally private. I type on this site for various reasons. It started out just a place to try and keep a journal. I was also a place to try and share with other people, friends and just anyone that might be interested. Last few entries from what I recall is just a way to let my feelings out. I guess this entry itself is like that, but my thought process changes and evolves as I go write. What was my original intent for coming to write here in the first place? Well the truth is in the beginning of this entry, but there were some side thoughts to it. Yeah, I'd rather be writing on the other site about all this instead of here. But since I am going for those badges, it gave me a reason to write here. Then the side thoughts would be I'd like Jennifer to come across here by any chance. I don't think it is very likely, but you never know. I guess just by that thought I can really start to over think things. Like by mentioning that will increase the chances that she might read this. So on and so forth. I just like thinking a lot. Imagination and creativity is different for everyone. I mean I just love witty people. It pisses me off on how awesome people can be at it. I love it, yet, it's like damn it. Remember how I said I like psychology. Just like nursing, when you hear things or take classed or whatnot, people will tend to self diagnose and stuff. It's fun and all, but what do we know. We know a lot, actually. But yeah, there is an infinite ways to think about things. I'm just jumping all over the place. I use to think I had everything. Manic depressant and all that good stuff. Yes, we all have something to a degree, but let's just move on. Some people are just better at things than others. We are all different, but we all have a few things in common that are undeniable which people can deny, because arguing is fun. We all exist and someday we are going to die. One thing is always true and that is change is always constant. What else is there? Anyway, I just started babbling on about just whatever. So I'll just come to an end cause I really just want to get my other writing entry done and play some phone games and try to get some sleep.
I'm ever grateful for coming back to the love of Christ. It truly is just a beautiful and wonderful way to live, if you can do it the way it is meant to be. Even if God did not exist, if we lived the way we should according to the Bible and live a holy and saintly life, there would just be goodness in the world. But let's be real, not everyone is going to accept that. Being Christian isn't easy, but if you have true faith, hope and love, it can be fulfilling life. I don't want to be the hypocrite I always thought myself to be. I really do care about people, but my actions or lack of actions say otherwise. I use to hate myself so much, with so much animosity. Then a thought came to me, the saying of there being a fine line between love and hate. I may have hated myself, but I was so focused in on that it just seemed like plain selfishness. Like I only cared about myself. I use to think that wanting to be selfless was just being selfish in itself. I'm learning enjoy my own life and to appreciate and love it. God gave us two of His most important commandments. Jesus tells us to love God with all our heart and soul, that He is the most important thing in our lives. The second thing He tells us to do is to love each other just as we love ourselves. With just this saying alone, I have always know this to be true in my own heart. That was the barrier that kept me from giving Jennifer all the love I could give her. I had to let go of her to find my love for the most important thing in life itself. Like I said before, God works in mysterious ways. I hope to love and continue to love more. I really hope I have someone I will share my whole life with. Anyway, I am off to babble on my other writing entry.
If anyone does read this, can you leave a random comment? I just curious if anyone looks at my entries. Just leave any random comment. Be a troll. Trolls are real jerks and yet humorous at the same time. I think that says something out our generations these days don't you? But yeah, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!
I've been in recent contact with Cynthia, my first love. It really is amazing to reconnect with someone who you loved so deeply and moved on from so many years ago. It is better late than never. I have always meant it when I said I will always love you. That will ring true for Cynthia, Jessica, and Jennifer. The romantic feelings will change to a caring friendship that will differ from any other friendships, because they have held such a deep and intimate part of my life. I am happy to be talking to Cyndy again. Even though it has been over a decade since we last saw each other, talking to her feels so familiar and easy. I want to talk to Jessica. I just feel bad how things ended between us. I could have been a much better boyfriend than I thought I was. Even though I tried to be good to her, I just did all the wrong things and I also expected things from her she simply could not do. I was good to her at times, but there were times I was pretty much a prick. That is kind of why I was so careful with Jennifer. I didn't want to repeat any of my horrible mistakes again, but I put up a barrier that would prevent me from finding true happiness with Jennifer, and especially with myself.
It will be nine days from now when my relationship ended with Jennifer. I don't regret one second of loving her. Same with Cyndy. Jessica, I'm sorry to say, but I can't say the same for her. It was the wrong mindset I had before we started our as a couple, but I did really love her without a doubt. Jennifer though... man. Breaking up was the right thing to do, but its what happened afterwards which really put a strain on my life. I think could say the same for her too. I should have just backed away and gone our separate ways for while when we broke up. I just wanted to be with her, even if we weren't together anymore. I tried too soon to stay friends with her and I think I totally messed up with that because you can never be ready to let someone go that fast. I don't know if I was afraid to lose her or if we still had a chance or what. I can't really recall, because it just hurts too much. My feelings for her were genuine. They were strong. It really did almost take the two years of being apart to start getting myself together. I really do love psychology, but it's too much for me to dwell into. Here I am now, just writing and reflecting. I have found my way back to Christ. Although I have publicly announced my belief in Him, I still fail to live the way I should. I'm trying to work at it. I have a whole story of how my life went after letting Jennifer go. I feel it was an incredible personal journey for myself and what I've been through, yet I can't find a good way to really share it quite yet. I don't know. Not the reason why I came to write here. I wanted to talk about reconnecting with important people in your life. How I want to be good friends with Jennifer. I don't know. The more I talk about it, the more I just don't know. I don't know her feelings. I only know my own. There really is no right or wrong way to go about it. Well, there are ways to go totally wrong about it, but I won't go there. I care about her. I really do. I don't know what it is I really want. I guess I just want her to feel the same way about me. Even though I know she does care, I think I am just wanting too much just to actually confirm it. That is what I really need to let go of. I'm glad that she found someone. I remember when we were together, I wanted her to experience things like dating other people. Now, I don't think its important. I am finding what I truly want out of life and other things. But anyway, yeah. Michael is a great guy. I've said that many times before. I love his photography work. He really does great work. I'm happy and a bit sad seeing the awesome pictures he takes of Jennifer. Truth is though, I want her to be happy. Truly happy. Not anything superficial, but deep in her heart. Time is not either good nor bad. It does not take sides. It does not heal. It is within our own power in which we use the time we have to heal ourselves and each other. It is how we use time, not what time does for us. It took me awhile to get over Cyndy. It took me awhile to get over Jessica. I have gotten over Jennifer, but only in a sense that we are no longer together. I need to find a good place for how I see her in my life now. It feels superficial, but that is just me. Like I said, I don't know what she thinks or how she feels. I know the kind of person she is. That is why I still hold her high regard. She's just absolutely beautiful in my eyes, in my heart. I feel that way about Cynthia after talking to her again. She's just so awesome. Personally, I have great taste in women, but that's just my opinion. Jessica was great to be with. I was a fool to think I could help her become a better person, when I was in such shitty shape myself. At least I'm doing good now. I'm a super late bloomer, but hey, I get to see the world before my own eyes unfold. As many times as I wanted my life to end, and sadly those feelings can still be felt, I'm glad to be alive. God truly has blessed my life, regardless of anything I could have done. I need to stop questioning it and just accept it, and just live accordingly to that belief. I should really save that for my other online journal. I need to write 50,000 words within this month for another badge I am aiming for. Damn, I just jump from one place to another. God really does work in mysterious ways. I thank Cyndy for showing me that site. I'm still waiting on a response from her that she said I should be terrified. She can write a lot. I love it and at the same time, its just a lot of writing. She's great. I have a lot of great people in my life. My family. My close friends. The people I hate because I just absolutely love them. Those jerks. haha. I wish I could be more out spoken. I just got to work at it. Cyndy told me that writing helps you get better at writing. So just speaking up should be the same. Okay. I think I am ready to mindlessly type 750 words in just under 20 minutes. I like that site because it's totally private. I type on this site for various reasons. It started out just a place to try and keep a journal. I was also a place to try and share with other people, friends and just anyone that might be interested. Last few entries from what I recall is just a way to let my feelings out. I guess this entry itself is like that, but my thought process changes and evolves as I go write. What was my original intent for coming to write here in the first place? Well the truth is in the beginning of this entry, but there were some side thoughts to it. Yeah, I'd rather be writing on the other site about all this instead of here. But since I am going for those badges, it gave me a reason to write here. Then the side thoughts would be I'd like Jennifer to come across here by any chance. I don't think it is very likely, but you never know. I guess just by that thought I can really start to over think things. Like by mentioning that will increase the chances that she might read this. So on and so forth. I just like thinking a lot. Imagination and creativity is different for everyone. I mean I just love witty people. It pisses me off on how awesome people can be at it. I love it, yet, it's like damn it. Remember how I said I like psychology. Just like nursing, when you hear things or take classed or whatnot, people will tend to self diagnose and stuff. It's fun and all, but what do we know. We know a lot, actually. But yeah, there is an infinite ways to think about things. I'm just jumping all over the place. I use to think I had everything. Manic depressant and all that good stuff. Yes, we all have something to a degree, but let's just move on. Some people are just better at things than others. We are all different, but we all have a few things in common that are undeniable which people can deny, because arguing is fun. We all exist and someday we are going to die. One thing is always true and that is change is always constant. What else is there? Anyway, I just started babbling on about just whatever. So I'll just come to an end cause I really just want to get my other writing entry done and play some phone games and try to get some sleep.
I'm ever grateful for coming back to the love of Christ. It truly is just a beautiful and wonderful way to live, if you can do it the way it is meant to be. Even if God did not exist, if we lived the way we should according to the Bible and live a holy and saintly life, there would just be goodness in the world. But let's be real, not everyone is going to accept that. Being Christian isn't easy, but if you have true faith, hope and love, it can be fulfilling life. I don't want to be the hypocrite I always thought myself to be. I really do care about people, but my actions or lack of actions say otherwise. I use to hate myself so much, with so much animosity. Then a thought came to me, the saying of there being a fine line between love and hate. I may have hated myself, but I was so focused in on that it just seemed like plain selfishness. Like I only cared about myself. I use to think that wanting to be selfless was just being selfish in itself. I'm learning enjoy my own life and to appreciate and love it. God gave us two of His most important commandments. Jesus tells us to love God with all our heart and soul, that He is the most important thing in our lives. The second thing He tells us to do is to love each other just as we love ourselves. With just this saying alone, I have always know this to be true in my own heart. That was the barrier that kept me from giving Jennifer all the love I could give her. I had to let go of her to find my love for the most important thing in life itself. Like I said before, God works in mysterious ways. I hope to love and continue to love more. I really hope I have someone I will share my whole life with. Anyway, I am off to babble on my other writing entry.
If anyone does read this, can you leave a random comment? I just curious if anyone looks at my entries. Just leave any random comment. Be a troll. Trolls are real jerks and yet humorous at the same time. I think that says something out our generations these days don't you? But yeah, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!